She just got up and left

[Lotzana]

I do a weekly language course and tonight was the Christmas party with our group and other more advanced learner groups. Some of our group were sat in a circle and given some fairly difficult Christmas language tasks to do (we're beginners). One of regular ladies in the class turned up and placed herself outside the circle, didn't say hello, only to the teacher.

We were all getting on with tasks and chatting and hadn't really noticed her as she was sat slightly away from everyone and not saying anything. Perhaps someone should have said something but we were a bit absorbed by the tasks and struggling with them to be honest. There was no malice or bad vibes going on towards anyone.

The teacher came along to give her a task and encourage her to get involved with the rest of the group. At this point, she got up and declared she was leaving and never coming back! She said while she liked the teacher, she didn't enjoy the overall experience and found all of our group cliquey!

AIBU to think this was an overreaction and she must have issues? It's a weekly language class, not high school! All she had to do was pull up a chair within the circle and tag onto the task. Instead she chose to sit away from people and then complain she'd been slighted and then leave rather than join us!

No, that's not what happened...

"We hadn't realised this happened until teacher told us after she'd left. I do feel bad that I or one of the others didn't do more in hindsight"

Yup, not what happened, not even nearly.

Ultimately OP, this is for you to deal with or discard - but you posted it here and that makes me think you feel a tiny bit, not guilty exactly but... as if you could have done better.

I hope you do feel that way, because you could have. All of you, not just you specifically.

You can take that and learn from it, be a fractionally better person, or you can carry on blaming other people and ducking it. It makes absolutely fuck all difference to any of us...

So she was too shy to join a group but had no problem announcing her departure to the entire group.

As is often said on here, she sounds like hard work!

Personally, I don't feel I should make up for other people's 'difficulties' or reticence about fitting in, after all, I'm not a therapist or enabler. Many individuals have problems of one sort or another, some of which are not visible problems and if I stopped to wonder what problems prevented someone from joining in, it's taking away from my own enjoyment of the activity. I don't think it's fair to point the finger at the OP saying she could have done this that or the other. She has given a reasonable explanation but had no need to second guess at the reasons behind the other woman not joining in. That's entirely up to the person themselves and the organiser, not the rest of the group who were engrossed in the tasks given.

Yes this

Very unwelcoming

She didn't stand up and make a fuss. She left quietly. OP didn't even realise she'd gone until the teacher told her.
Read the whole thread.

Personally, I don't feel I should make up for other people's 'difficulties' or reticence about fitting in, after all, I'm not a therapist or enabler.

Saying hello and moving chair to make space isn't really making up for people's difficulties.

The woman was evidently looking for a friendly language group. Clearly this group isn't. As the primary purpose is to learn the language, this is not necessarily a problem, but it does mean it's not a great group for the woman. Hence she left quietly explaining to the teacher (and no one else) why.

I can understand her point of view.

I arrived late to a new mothers group my local nurse ran. No one moved to let my pram and I in, I felt as if I was invading an existing group. Feeling shite didn’t help the situation at all and I never went back.

it doesn’t take much for people to move their chairs obviously to allow a decent space..

If a single person joins a group I would always expect the group to welcome them and invite them in. So yes, I would say it was bad manners on behalf of the group.

You've said yourself that she stated that she found the group cliquey, so there you go.

Poor woman.

This. Some people may join a language class to make friends, but this clearly isn’t that kind of group, if, as the OP says, she doesn’t really know the other people’s names after (presumably) a term meeting regularly. It’s fair enough for the woman who left to be disappointed if she wanted to make friends as much as or more than learning the language, but that’s a mismatch between person and class, rather than the OP or her classmates’ issue to solve. Latecomers joining a group for the purposes of a class task is a classroom management thing, and the teacher’s responsibility if the latecomer is unwilling or unable to join a group herself.

You forgot

”socially anxious”

For someone who ‘didn’t notice her’ , you seemed to notice a fair enough amount to include it in your MN post! Sounds like you were all being cliquey and ignoring someone who may have needed a little bit more support and a confidence boost . As a grown person in a group , it is your and everyone else’s responsibility to be inclusive and you weren’t. Whether you meant to or not, you all excluded her and like ‘An Inspector Calls’ you all played your part . The poor woman!

Agreed.

OP has gone to the class to learn a language not to nurture introverts.

Oh - as a teacher I was always a bit irritated by this behaviour. In spite of liking the person it’s not always what you want during a break during session and especially after wards when you’re trying to pack up. I used to feel it was lonelier people who did this

Yes you are being unreasonable! You know sid all about her or her situation and you made no effort to include her. Get a grip!

What a dickhead comment! Yes because only children are allowed to feel overwhelmed, nervous or embarrassed!

I can't believe Mumsnet has been discussing this lady choosing to leave a social event for almost a whole week now 😆