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Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
MaryDerry · 19/12/2022 18:15

Tell her to get it on her own merit.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 19/12/2022 18:16

Tell her that, if anything, it would damage her chances to appear to want to sidestep normal hiring protocol.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/12/2022 18:16

I think all you can do it reiterate that you don’t discuss work and you cannot have the conversation, and that whilst you’re sorry she’s disappointed, that her promotion or otherwise is nothing to do with you.

FWIW I’m sorry she’s put you in this position

PeaceJoySleep · 19/12/2022 18:17

I see the awkwardness of that immediately and your friend must too!!
Does yr friend not believe you that you never talk about work?
I can see how that policy would be essential with more than one rung between you.
I think your friend shows a lack of insight here!

Sunnydays0101 · 19/12/2022 18:18

I’d reply very briefly and say you can’t help with her request and leave it at 5hat.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

Iceyiceybaby · 19/12/2022 18:18

If she is good enough she will get the job.

I was going to say tell the boss friend what she's been up to but this might prejudice her chances and still break your code so to speak. It would mean you could tell said friend you've had a word though 😂

Damnautocorrect · 19/12/2022 18:18

what a shitty situation she’s putting you in, and how dare she blame you for not fighting her corner.

i think I’d reply, that you do and will have her back but you can’t do anything as you don’t discuss work with X and as a result it would probably back fire as being gossipy and unprofessional. If your opinion was asked you would always speak highly of her as she’s good at her job deserves the promotion etc etc (insert relevant compliments) but speaking with x would do more harm than good.
wish her luck.

would she end up your boss if she gets it?

MyBooksAndMyCats · 19/12/2022 18:19

"I have your back but I can't put a good word in we never talk about work. I'm sure you'll smash it and get the promotion." And then ignore it if she brings it up again.

DuplicateUserName · 19/12/2022 18:19

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet

She clearly didn't believe or understand you when you said no.

Keep saying no and just stick to it.

BigFatLiar · 19/12/2022 18:19

It's not your place to fight her corner she needs to get the promotion through her own merit. Though I must admit its annoying to see people getting on by being helped by their friends rather than their own ability.

Suggest that you may be interested in the promotion. She'll probably think that unfair, using your influence but not see the same issue using your influence for her.

wheretoyougonow · 19/12/2022 18:21

Keep repeating that you do not discuss the job outside of work. A real friend wouldn't emotionally blackmail you.
I would be so tempted to tell her that you will also be disappointed if she doesn't get the job as she shouldn't need to rely on you to demonstrate she is the right person for the role.... 😉

ScarierThanBoo · 19/12/2022 18:23

You could tell her that you tried but your boss-friend was not impressed at the imposition. She wont ask again.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 19/12/2022 18:29

No I have not and will not be saying anything. Work and personal life are separate things.

XanaduKira · 19/12/2022 18:30

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 19/12/2022 18:29

No I have not and will not be saying anything. Work and personal life are separate things.

Just keep reiterating this.

Original poster
BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:37

I think she really doesn't believe me when I said that we don't talk about work!

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 19/12/2022 18:43

I'd have texted back to say "I already told you that Boss and I do not discuss work and that this was not something I could do. I am incredibly disappointed that you appear to be lining me up to be the 'bad guy' if you fail to get a promotion. Whether you get this or not will be nothing to do with me, and I resent the implication that it is, frankly".

She's out of order and owes you an apology.

keepaweatheredeye · 19/12/2022 18:45

"I need to be very clear about this and then I don't wish to discuss it any further. X and I do not discuss work socially. I'm sorry if you don't believe me but I am not happy or able to discuss your application with X as that is not the nature of our friendship. I wish you the best of luck with your application but I can't help any further".

BatshitBanshee · 19/12/2022 18:45

"As I said, X and I don't discuss work at all. Your work speaks for itself, you don't need anyone to speak for you! This is beginning to feel a bit awkward and transactional now, and I'd like to be left out of this. I do hope you understand."

If she persists, I'd distance from her. She's willing to trample over your comfort zone to further herself. If she honestly thought it worked like that, why wouldn't you have done it for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

Octo5 · 19/12/2022 18:46

You just need to be quite blunt and say you don’t discuss anything about work again and to please stop asking.

Tell her she is great at her job so the boss will see that but you won’t be bringing it up yourself.

She’s putting you in a really uncomfortable position here.

Watapalava · 19/12/2022 18:51

Is she likely to get the job? If so I’d be careful in your response if it puts her ahead of you.

Calmdown14 · 19/12/2022 18:51

She needs the 'shit sandwich '. Something positive, the bad bit, finish with something positive.

You are really good at the job and I'm sure your application is excellent.
As I've said, we don't discuss work and it's not my place to make such a recommendation.
You want to know you got this on merit and I'm sure that you will.

JustJustWhy · 19/12/2022 19:06

Your boss is a real friend. The other one is just using you as you've already said no. No real friend does that. Plus she'd have it in writing if you got back to her to say you'd put a good word in.

AlisonDonut · 19/12/2022 19:11

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:37

I think she really doesn't believe me when I said that we don't talk about work!

So?

Tell her again ' I told you we never discuss work. It's how we keep on being friends. I'm not going to put a good word in for anyone so stop asking'.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 19:25

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

Point out the very obvious flaws in this argument.

  1. Your friend is the boss. She’s unlikely to take recommendations from junior colleagues, even if they are friends.

  2. Any decision the boss makes is her own. You have zero say in the final choice, if if you were to make a recommendation.

  3. If you had the power to talk your friends into senior roles, why wouldn't you have bagged a promotion for yourself on this basis?

  4. Even if the boss did look at the CV in more detail than she might have without a recommendation, that doesn’t stop more experienced people or better qualified candidates applying.

Of course, you shouldn’t have to do any of this - she should respect your stance. But a practical explanation might help her see sense.