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Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 20/12/2022 07:50

Just send back "No."

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/12/2022 07:53

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.

If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.

If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.

You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

Gazelda · 20/12/2022 07:55

Ignore the message.

If she corners you at work, tell her you've said all you have to say. Then walk away.

Make it clear to her that the conversation is over.

fancyacuppatea · 20/12/2022 07:55

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/12/2022 07:53

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.

If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.

If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.

You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

^This, actually.
You've tried to let her down nicely and she's now being a PITA. I doubt your boss would want to promote her if she knew about the pressure she's putting on you.

Jaybird43 · 20/12/2022 07:59

You may think a lot of her OP, but it seems this woman doesn’t think a lot of you to have put you in such a difficult position. State one last time “as I’ve said, Boss and I don’t discuss work, sorry I can’t help”. If she then gets shirty and refuses to talk to you, then she was no friend to you.

Eddielizzard · 20/12/2022 08:01

I bet she's gone down in your estimation now. I wouldn't respond. You've said what you needed to, nothing more needs to be said. But I'd keep an eye on her - she's clearly not good with boundaries!

DeliberatelyObtuse · 20/12/2022 08:02

Can you message back something like

"I said no, I meant no. Leave it."

weemouse · 20/12/2022 08:08

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.
If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.
If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.
You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

This, this, a million times this! You now can't win, and I would mention it as per above.

SerenaTee · 20/12/2022 08:10

“I’ve made my feelings clear and I’m starting to feel uncomfortable that you won’t let this drop. To be honest, this situation has confirmed to me that keeping work talk out of friendships is the correct decision and I won’t be changing my mind, so please stop asking.”

justcouldntthinkofausername · 20/12/2022 08:10

Wow she's persistent isn't she!

She needs a message along the lines of 'if this badgering continues the 'word' I will be putting in is to HR reporting you for harassment. Just leave it now.'

ABBAsnumberonefan · 20/12/2022 08:11

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/12/2022 07:53

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.

If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.

If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.

You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

100%

DeliberatelyObtuse · 20/12/2022 08:12

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/12/2022 07:53

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.

If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.

If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.

You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

Absolutely agree with this

redbigbananafeet · 20/12/2022 08:15

Do not get sucked into a mind game that it's somehow be your fault if she doesn't get the promotion.

"We don't discuss work. If you don't succeed at interview I'm sorry but that's in your. I'm not discussing this any further."

Beseen22 · 20/12/2022 08:23

Generally work friends are not friends. .they are colleagues all with their own agenda which is why you have to be careful what you share with colleagues. Your boss friend is a genuine friend who happens to work in the same place and you have found a way to make that work. Don't jeopardise a true friendship for a colleague because colleague will drop you like a hot stone if it doesn't suit her.

She's shown her colours, as her peer you know she would be a terrible manager as she's overstepping boundaries, inappropriate, doesn't value your desire to keep work and play separate. So even if you were going to recommend someone would it be her? I'd distance myself and ignore messages, you've made your position clear and she is someone I would not confide in anyway.

FlowerArranger · 20/12/2022 08:26

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 19/12/2022 18:16

Tell her that, if anything, it would damage her chances to appear to want to sidestep normal hiring protocol.

I agree

FlowerArranger · 20/12/2022 08:27

And what @Beseen22 saud

FlowerArranger · 20/12/2022 08:29

L1ttledrummergirl · 20/12/2022 07:53

She will not be a good manager, she's not not listening and disrespects your boundaries. She will make your life hell.

If she gets the job she will conveniently forget the pressure she's put you under, it will be because she's amazing and she will start to manage you out to cover this up.

If she doesn't get the promotion it will be your fault and she will sabotage you.

You need to either speak to your current line manager or to your hr department, if this is your friend, book a meeting with them officially and lay it all out. They need to be alert to any signs of bullying.

And this

Remona · 20/12/2022 08:31

Oh, OP. You can’t win now whatever you do. If she gets the job she’ll be a nightmare and if she doesn’t she’ll blame you. Some people really are thick skinned (or just thick).

Be thankful that she’s shown you who she is. She’s no friend. Whatever you do, do not delete any of those messages and any further ones which are likely to come, particularly so if she doesn’t get the job.

W0tnow · 20/12/2022 08:32

I wouldn’t alert anyone. I’d just be honest. “I’ve told you why I won’t discuss your application with X. You’ve made this a really uncomfortable situation for me now. Like I said. Good luck, but I won’t try to influence the process.”

Whatever you do. Keep the text messages.

AngelontopoftheTree · 20/12/2022 08:34

I'm sorry she's putting you in this shit position, she's definitely NOT a friend.
I agree with others, she's disrespecting your boundaries and pushing her own agenda to the detriment of everyone else.
I'm torn between completely ignoring her last message and sending one final blunt "No, stop asking".

fancyfrogs · 20/12/2022 08:34

I'd absolutely just ignore her now, it's clear she has no respect for you

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/12/2022 08:35

My kneejerk (unhelpful) reaction is to say what I used to say to my children when they were being whiny as preschoolers - 'Enn Oh spells NO.'

Very awkward situation, OP, with any luck she won't get the promotion and will move on to another workplace. Agree with others that she doesn't sound like good management material. Stick to your guns. You are in the right and she is in the wrong.

MagentaRocks · 20/12/2022 08:35

W0tnow · 20/12/2022 08:32

I wouldn’t alert anyone. I’d just be honest. “I’ve told you why I won’t discuss your application with X. You’ve made this a really uncomfortable situation for me now. Like I said. Good luck, but I won’t try to influence the process.”

Whatever you do. Keep the text messages.

She's tried this and still being pressured

PuppyMonkey · 20/12/2022 08:35

Sorry, it’s still a no but best of luck x

Inkpotlover · 20/12/2022 08:37

Just reply: 'I've told you I won't be bringing it up and why. Please stop pressuring me. I hope you get the job.'