Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
a1poshpaws · 20/12/2022 10:06

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

I think this is a really great idea.

It makes it look like you're willing to help (which stands you in good stead if the colleague gets the promotion & becomes your boss herself!) but neither embarrasses you, nor makes your boss disappointed in you for suddenly abusing your friendship with her.

btw I don't wish her any harm, but I do hope that your not-really-such-a-friend doesn't get the promotion. I'd hate to have someone senior to me who was so singlemindedly out for themself - it indicates that they'd be quite happy to throw anyone else under the bus to make themself look good or get out of trouble, and her lack of sensitivity/oblivion when it comes to social clues would make her a piss-poor boss or team-leader.

MrsR87 · 20/12/2022 10:08

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 09:46

I'm torn between ignoring the message (I'll see her at work tomorrow though) or replying with something more blunt.

I’d reply quite bluntly;

As I’ve already told you, boss and I never discuss work so if I mention you to her she will 100% know it’s come from you and that will do more damage than good to you chances of getting the roll. Please don’t ask me again because I do not want to be responsible for you NOT getting the roll.

Tigofigo · 20/12/2022 10:11

I would have a word with your boss friend, to tell you that you're being hassled! I would not want this person to be in charge

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:14

Tigofigo · 20/12/2022 10:11

I would have a word with your boss friend, to tell you that you're being hassled! I would not want this person to be in charge

No!!

if you have an issue with a colleague that you would like to escalate, escalate according to HR protocol in your organisation

not a natter with your boss mate

Dreamwhisper · 20/12/2022 10:25

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

That's disgusting, I would fully ignore her now. And if she asked me in person I would literally just glower at her. What a weirdo, why does she think some random colleague saying "oh she's such a lovely person" going to have any influence in comparison to her track record and interview process?

Ugh.

Reindeersnooker · 20/12/2022 10:33

This woman sounds like she'll be a nightmare to be under. I would think how pleasant your minion role is going to be under her and perhaps take the promotion yourself.

MajesticWhine · 20/12/2022 10:36

I would ignore now. She's embarrassing. But just don't reply at all.

HedgehogB · 20/12/2022 10:43

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 19:25

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

Point out the very obvious flaws in this argument.

  1. Your friend is the boss. She’s unlikely to take recommendations from junior colleagues, even if they are friends.

  2. Any decision the boss makes is her own. You have zero say in the final choice, if if you were to make a recommendation.

  3. If you had the power to talk your friends into senior roles, why wouldn't you have bagged a promotion for yourself on this basis?

  4. Even if the boss did look at the CV in more detail than she might have without a recommendation, that doesn’t stop more experienced people or better qualified candidates applying.

Of course, you shouldn’t have to do any of this - she should respect your stance. But a practical explanation might help her see sense.

This .

Runningintolife · 20/12/2022 10:43

'Good luck mate, got everything crossed for you' (ignore the push with grey rock)
Or 'Christ back off or you will talk yourself out of my support' (let her know unequivocally she has pissed you off) (I wouldn't actually say this)
She is just setting you up to be the fall guy for her failure rather than backing herself to get the job. Self esteem and victimisation issues.

lieselotte · 20/12/2022 10:43

I'd not respond anymore. Ignore any more texts she sends.

Either she'll get the job or she won't.

HedgehogB · 20/12/2022 10:45

Her lack of judgement on this proves she shouldn’t get the job, in my opinion! Who wants a nut job like her in a senior role. She has totally lost perspective! I recommend the five point post from an earlier poster (that I quoted) .

coronafiona · 20/12/2022 10:49

"I want to help but can't put in a good word as we never discuss work. Can I help you prepare for your interview?" Or similar

Thelnebriati · 20/12/2022 10:56

As awkward as it is now it will be worse if she is ever promoted over you. Decide how bad it needs to get before you go to HR.

AngelontopoftheTree · 20/12/2022 10:56

coronafiona · 20/12/2022 10:49

"I want to help but can't put in a good word as we never discuss work. Can I help you prepare for your interview?" Or similar

To be honest, if I was you, after all her hassling I wouldn't want to help her get the job at all.
I'd ignore anymore messages.

Beelezebub · 20/12/2022 10:59

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 09:46

I'm torn between ignoring the message (I'll see her at work tomorrow though) or replying with something more blunt.

More blunt.

She’s gone too far now.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2022 11:02

You've quite clearly laid down your boundaries, in a very positive way. She's attempting to steam roller them, with a side dish of passive agression. If you reply, she'll just keep going, like a kid who's been told no. Don't engage with it any further would be my advice. And YY to if she gets the job she'll be a nightmare. You have now had a little glimpse of what happens when she doesn't get her own way...

Aftersevens · 20/12/2022 11:04

Oh god, this is hideous now whichever way it goes 😬 If she doesn’t get the promo, it’ll be ‘because’ of you and if she does it’ll be “no thanks to you” ……and she’ll be your boss.
In this situation I might just try to limit the damage by giving in, mentioning to your boss next time you see her, that you’re off out with colleague and say she’s great (ie great person), then you can honestly tell colleague that you’ve put in a good word.
I know that’s a cop out and you’d be giving in to the pressure, but I think the alternatives are worse.

travelhelp · 20/12/2022 11:09

I'd have just replied with a 😂😂😂 sort of message and left it at that myself. Treated her like she's joking.

But yeah, I think you should hope she doesn't get the promotion, she's really disrespectful and the kind of who plays office politics games.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/12/2022 11:20

I'd reply to her.

"Yes, I'm going to be having a word today, but not with "boss", but HR, as I won't be subjected to workplace bullying."

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/12/2022 11:23

I think I would just ignore her messages now and leave it. If she asks again I would tell her that you can’t get involved and that you also know that Boss would not look favourably on her trying to get you to put in a word and so you don’t want to say anything as you’re worried it will damage, rather than help her chances.

Zosime · 20/12/2022 11:24

In this situation I might just try to limit the damage by giving in, mentioning to your boss next time you see her, that you’re off out with colleague and say she’s great (ie great person), then you can honestly tell colleague that you’ve put in a good word.

No, op shouldn't do anything which would give pushy woman the chance to tell people she got the job because op 'put in a word'. That drags op's friend into it and risks damaging her reputation, if she's suspected of favouritism. That would be really unfair, since none of this is her doing.

Firm and repeated No is OP's only option; anything else could be twisted and be damaging to op and her friend.

RaRaRaspoutine · 20/12/2022 11:25

She sounds very lazy and manipulative. Tell her if she doesn't get the promotion there's clearly a reason.

RaRaRaspoutine · 20/12/2022 11:26

OH and people who say "no drama" tend to LOVE drama!!

dcut · 20/12/2022 11:31

I would just ignore it. You have told her clearly. Now she's being rude and passive aggressive by pushing the issue.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2022 11:42

At this point I’d be blunt. Just reply “no”.

Swipe left for the next trending thread