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Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 20/12/2022 09:12

Your 'friend' has now croseed the threshold into dickhead. Tell her she's putting unfair pressure on you and not respecting your boundaries and this is causing you to reconsider the friendship.

JoyBeorge · 20/12/2022 09:13

I think her persistence may be a result of your approach because you're almost giving her some hope in your replies and not quite shutting the door on the possibility she may be able to get you to have a word. And that's where you're going wrong I think. You need to be straight and to the point without wrapping your replies up in all the fluffiness and people pleasing.

Look at the wording of your reply, it's a bit rambling. Not a single 'No, sorry I can't' and all padded out at either end with how lovely she is and how she deserves the promotion, how you have everything crossed for her etc, with just a tiny bit hidden in the middle that isn't really shutting the door on it entirely, and she's detecting a glimmer of hope in that which is why she hasn't given up. I know you're being diplomatic but I think that in itself might inadvertently be giving her something to cling to. I'm willing to bet if your replies had been much more direct and short, you wouldn't still be having this awkward exchange.

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 09:13

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

Just ignore this. Honestly.

Your colleague is obviously desperate for this job and trying any means necessary to get it.

But there is nothing more to add to what you have already said and your response hasn't changed.

Just be firm.

SnowlayRoundabout · 20/12/2022 09:14

You can only go broken record on her. Every time she mentions it, just repeat "I've told you we never, ever discuss work and I can't now".

CPL593H · 20/12/2022 09:15

Make sure you keep all those texts (yours and hers) and bear in mind that she is not your friend.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 20/12/2022 09:15

i would just be to the point now - “I have already explained why I will not be doing this. Please stop pushing, in my opinion your beginning be unprofessional and this isn’t the way to get a promotion. I am sure you will get it on your own merit, best of luck.”

NewToWoo · 20/12/2022 09:16

Say to your colleague: Stop it. We don't discuss work, ever. And if you don;t get the promotion and blame me, it is a clear sign you're not mature enough for the promotion. Go for it and good luck but it has nothing to do with me. If boss asks, I will tell her what you are like. Do you want that to include you harassing and blaming me for your career not developing?

AlisonDonut · 20/12/2022 09:17

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

'It is a big deal to me. You are asking me to put my friendship with X at risk by interfering in recruitment of staff, and I've already told you that I do not discuss any work matters with her. So please stop asking.'

JoyBeorge · 20/12/2022 09:18

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 20/12/2022 09:12

Your 'friend' has now croseed the threshold into dickhead. Tell her she's putting unfair pressure on you and not respecting your boundaries and this is causing you to reconsider the friendship.

That's the problem though. OP is making the boundaries a bit wholly herself because she's trying to be too nice and the colleague is picking up on that and still thinks theres a hope she might be able to make her change her mind. A direct and assertive "I can't. Sorry", then no further discussion would have brought a different response.

Cocacolathanks · 20/12/2022 09:18

Three options.

  1. completely ignore.

  2. be harsh and say you just won’t.

  3. say something like “Boss was just saying today that she appreciates how i don’t use the friendship to name drop and honestly if I or anyone did that, her first instinct is to drop them as it shows a lack of integrity.” If you want to take it further add: “I actually used the moment to mention one of my good friends is applying but hasn’t asked for any name dropping at all!” Lol but it’s a bit truth-bendy. Could be easier if you struggle with confrontation.

BettyOBarley · 20/12/2022 09:24

I'd ignore her now, she's being a PITA

TrixJax · 20/12/2022 09:28

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

Just ignore, you've already said your piece.
And I would seriously reconsider this friendship. She has no boundaries, is happy to put you in an awkward situation for her benefit, doesn't respect your decision, and tries to guilt trip you! She is not your friend!

MyMumSaysALot · 20/12/2022 09:35

Look, Sallie - I’ve already explained to you that my dealings with Boss do not extend into the professional side, so, again, I’m sorry.

Besides - interference from.me on your behalf could jeopardize my own stability within the company and with this boss - I simply can’t take the chance of risking it. I need this job It would be inappropriate.

if she PERSISTS? Just say the matter is settled. What part of N-O doesn’t she understand?

CloudyOwl · 20/12/2022 09:39

100% ignore her last message.

You've said all you need to say on the matter (and I disagree with posters who say you've not been clear: 'I won't be speaking to boss' is plenty clear enough regardless of niceties around it).

Reply and it'll just drag out further and get more awkward/difficult.

Definitely keep copies of the messages.

NeedToChangeName · 20/12/2022 09:40

Ignore her

TinyChancer · 20/12/2022 09:42

"If you do not back off and leave me out of this, the only thing I'll be speaking to her about is to complain about you putting me in an an inappropriate position"

Newwardrobe · 20/12/2022 09:44

I'd want to say that I have spoken to the boss and recommended you for the promotion and she just laughed - soz.
(obviously I'm joking and this is not a good idea)

blueshoes · 20/12/2022 09:45

Ignore her. If she gets the promotion, she thinks it is because you put in a good word for her which his helpful if she then outranks you in the company. If she does not, she have already told her you cannot help and in fact will be detrimental to her chances.

Original poster
BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 09:46

I'm torn between ignoring the message (I'll see her at work tomorrow though) or replying with something more blunt.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 20/12/2022 09:48

I think I would ignore from now on. If she brings it up again, just say that you have already said no, so you aren't sure why she is asking.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/12/2022 09:48

Just say 'we never talk about work so if I suddenly do the boss will know you've asked me to and it will reflect poorly on you.'

Inkpotlover · 20/12/2022 09:50

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 09:46

I'm torn between ignoring the message (I'll see her at work tomorrow though) or replying with something more blunt.

Or you could reply with something in between.

'Look, if I say something when me and xx have always had a pact not to talk about work, she's going to know you've badgered me to and that could go against you. Is that what you really want?'

Spottypaperbag · 20/12/2022 09:57

I would have to reply. Shes only going to badger you face to face tomorrow if you dont.
What a cow she is i hope she doesnt get the bloody promotion!

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:03

So your colleagues are aware of how close you are socially with your boss?

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:05

Why are your colleagues aware of your special friendship with the boss?

All very well not taking about work with your boss friend out of work
but you should follow that through to not discussing your social plans with your boss in work

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