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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
Naddd · 02/01/2023 22:58

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

U tell her to do one either nicer than that or ruder. Up to you

Ridiculous that she thinks she would give a job based on your opinion

blubberyboo · 02/01/2023 23:33

I would go further and use whistle blowing channels to report her for trying to influence you and emotional blackmail into helping her get a promotion. Someone like that should define not end up in a position of power

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 06:34

op

What specific grounds and detail are behind the complaint? You would know by know

lieselotte · 03/01/2023 13:10

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:02

Op

Whilst you have clearly not discussed work with your boss outside of work

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.

You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

How do you mean? All you'd need to do is mention the hobby once or twice, and everyone would know that you knew the boss outside work. You don't need to be indiscreet or an oversharer for that.

I have colleagues who like the same hobbies as I do, the only reason we don't see each other outside work is because we don't live near each other. If we did, no doubt the runners would pop up at the same parkrun every week!

lieselotte · 03/01/2023 13:11

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 06:34

op

What specific grounds and detail are behind the complaint? You would know by know

Yes I agree, you can't reply to a complaint unless you have the detail so you can refute each individual point (preferably with the evidence in the way of text messages).

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 13:25

No way would the Op simply be told

oh a formal complaint has been made about you re influence over boss.

There would be a meeting with HR where they would elaborate on precisely the nature of the complaint with specific examples.

but not the case here Op?

ShakespearesBlister · 03/01/2023 13:27

Wow I hope you counter claim harassment with all the evidence you have.

MagentaRocks · 03/01/2023 13:56

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 13:25

No way would the Op simply be told

oh a formal complaint has been made about you re influence over boss.

There would be a meeting with HR where they would elaborate on precisely the nature of the complaint with specific examples.

but not the case here Op?

Of course this could happen. In my organisation you would be advised that a complaint had been made with an overview. Then invited to HR meeting to go over the details. You wouldn't be invited to HR meeting and ambushed about something you don't have prior knowledge of. I am in the public sector. Massive organisation.

I am sure others do it differently but just because you know of it being done one way doesn't mean it won't be done another way for others.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 14:12

MagentaRocks · 03/01/2023 13:56

Of course this could happen. In my organisation you would be advised that a complaint had been made with an overview. Then invited to HR meeting to go over the details. You wouldn't be invited to HR meeting and ambushed about something you don't have prior knowledge of. I am in the public sector. Massive organisation.

I am sure others do it differently but just because you know of it being done one way doesn't mean it won't be done another way for others.

Show quote history

Just seen.

the op was told of the complaint by the complainant forwarding her the complaint email. What a shit show!

Brefugee · 03/01/2023 14:45

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.
You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

Rubbish. There is zero reason why you can't socialise with your boss, or even your bosses boss (or in my case, your bosses, bosses, bosses boss.)

OP has behaved impeccably, she has declined to address what the colleague wanted with her boss, and has explained that she doesn't do that. OP isn't apparently enjoying any favouritism (or she'd just get the promotion, surely?) and so on.

There is no need to shroud your entire non-work life in secrecy, unless you're up to something. OP is handling it perfectly

Abitofalark · 03/01/2023 14:51

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 14:12

Just seen.

the op was told of the complaint by the complainant forwarding her the complaint email. What a shit show!

Show quote history

Seen what? OP was told by her employer, no doubt.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 15:38

Just seen that she was not told by her employer

The complainant forward on her email complaining to the OP

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 15:39

Apologies I mis read

I know this, because she immediately put forward a complaint regarding me, and the 'influence' of my personal friendship with the boss.

Original poster
BluesandReds · 03/01/2023 15:56

No more to update today, just back from work with colleague still giving me the cold shoulder. Other colleagues have now noticed and asking what the issue is - I've said it's not my place to discuss anything, though.

The complaint itself - she's raised an issue of bias (namely, me creating bias with Boss) and also a complaint RE the action of not getting the promotion. I imagine her not getting the promotion is due to a few issues of her accuracy though, but that's for my Boss to document/show.

To be honest, I think I might start looking at other roles and consider leaving. Even when I prove I've done nothing wrong, I doubt she'll be convinced! I hate awkwardness, it's affecting my enjoyment of the role, and when I need to discuss anything work related, she's being slow to respond. Not quite slow enough to be an issue that I can flag but it's frustrating.

OP posts:
AdopterMum · 03/01/2023 16:03

BluesandReds · 03/01/2023 15:56

No more to update today, just back from work with colleague still giving me the cold shoulder. Other colleagues have now noticed and asking what the issue is - I've said it's not my place to discuss anything, though.

The complaint itself - she's raised an issue of bias (namely, me creating bias with Boss) and also a complaint RE the action of not getting the promotion. I imagine her not getting the promotion is due to a few issues of her accuracy though, but that's for my Boss to document/show.

To be honest, I think I might start looking at other roles and consider leaving. Even when I prove I've done nothing wrong, I doubt she'll be convinced! I hate awkwardness, it's affecting my enjoyment of the role, and when I need to discuss anything work related, she's being slow to respond. Not quite slow enough to be an issue that I can flag but it's frustrating.

Oh don’t let her be the reason you leave a job (it sounds like) you otherwise love.

skyeisthelimit · 03/01/2023 16:18

Print the text trail off so that you can give that to your boss. Hopefully your colleague will leave now that she hasn't got the promotion. She has really shot herself in the foot now, because your texts will show that she was harassing a colleague. Your replies clearly show that you would not discuss it with your boss so no bias can be proved.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 16:27

Come again!!

you are thinking about leaving a job you love over this?

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 16:28

If she’s being slow to respond, then you need to raise this with your line manager

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 16:30

I'm 100% happy in my minion role (means I can keep my part time hours, much less stress and I leave work at the door). and now you are thinking about leaving?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/01/2023 16:36

Sorry to hear this silly colleague is acting in this immature way op.
How horrible it is affecting the atmosphere at work and you don't expect it to improve. That's a miserable situation.
Don't do anything hastily though. It's crap, you don't deserve it and all caused by one person's idiocy, but leaving now would be bad timing.
You need to put this complaint behind you before you decide your next move. Things can change again and you don't want to carry this unresolved into another role.
That doesn't mean it's easy to be there though. Do you have any support you can tap into, someone you can eye roll with/vent to inside work or out? Maybe your work have a free counselling service so you can be supported as you bear up under this nonsense.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/01/2023 17:28

Wise words from Cleopatra
I get how upsetting this must be, OP, but honestly wouldn't leave a job you love over it - especially not when this ridiculous woman will probably be on her own way soon

Of course is she doesn't leave it could be worth revisiting this, but I really wouldn't do anything hasty when you're not the one in the wrong and are handling it so well

Augend23 · 03/01/2023 17:40

I would hang on in there as well - I would assume the colleague in question is unlikely to be flavour of the month following the complaints and unless she's incredibly dim (though TBF given her current stance she may be) she is likely to realise if she wants a promotion she's going to need to go elsewhere after this, which would solve your problem for you. Maybe you can ask your boss to give her a really good reference. Grin

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 03/01/2023 17:43

Don't leave your job. She will get over it or realise she has made an utter fool of herself and leave herself.

Just keep doing your job as you have always done.

ChickenLurkin · 03/01/2023 19:21

I've been in a similar position previously. Please don't consider leaving, you've done nothing wrong. It was horrible for me at the time, but the colleague who complained basically just ended up looking a bit of an idiot. I just killed them with kindness and eventually they moved onto another victim it all simmered down.

Zax · 03/01/2023 19:41

BluesandReds · 03/01/2023 15:56

No more to update today, just back from work with colleague still giving me the cold shoulder. Other colleagues have now noticed and asking what the issue is - I've said it's not my place to discuss anything, though.

The complaint itself - she's raised an issue of bias (namely, me creating bias with Boss) and also a complaint RE the action of not getting the promotion. I imagine her not getting the promotion is due to a few issues of her accuracy though, but that's for my Boss to document/show.

To be honest, I think I might start looking at other roles and consider leaving. Even when I prove I've done nothing wrong, I doubt she'll be convinced! I hate awkwardness, it's affecting my enjoyment of the role, and when I need to discuss anything work related, she's being slow to respond. Not quite slow enough to be an issue that I can flag but it's frustrating.

Please listen to the voices of the masses here. You truly must not leave the job you love to distance yourself from this acrimony which was not generated by you. Let procedures take their course and justice will prevail. Be strong and stay the course.

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