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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP fussy eater

186 replies

Superiorsweet16 · 19/12/2022 17:22

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

OP posts:

TyphoonSpagoon · 19/12/2022 17:25

Well YABU as it doesn’t have to impact you, you are choosing to let it impact you.

Let him cook for himself, shop for himself etc.

I will say I am the same as your DP, brother has ASD and due to not wanting to cook multiple meals I always ate what he did, so missed out on that period of trying new foods, textures etc, as a child, so am ‘fussier’ than most as an adult, although I do eat veggies, and have at least one meal in every type of restaurant so I don’t hold anyone else back. It’s something I have had to work on as an adult which people often take for granted how difficult it is when you are so used to just eating one or two things for your entire formative years.

Wanderingoff · 19/12/2022 17:25

He must be so unwell OP

he needs to properly address this either as a physical or mental issue

Peashoots · 19/12/2022 17:26

He needs to see a dietician and a therapist, he’s going to make himself ill.
I really would have no patience or tolerance for this at all.

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 17:27

YABU. His eating is really none of your business.

Iam4eels · 19/12/2022 17:27

It's up to you how much of a dealbreaker this is.

You could just let him cook for himself on days when the meal can't be adapted to suit you both. Frozen veg is just as nutritious as fresh veg and means you can just use one portion at a time so there's less waste. He could ask his GP for a referral to a dietician to get some professional advice on expanding his diet and addressing issues with his diet, having said that though a good multivitamin daily can go a long way to making up any deficiencies.

closingscore · 19/12/2022 17:31

I can imagine how frustrating this would be, as my brother is the same and social occasions are a nightmare. He's seen a dietician which was pointless as she told him what he should eat for a healthy diet which he's fully aware of but psychologically can't do it.

The only thing I can suggest is that you batch cook healthy things for yourself, like curries/chilli/casseroles/soups with plenty of veg in, so you don't waste food, then let him get on with it. As far as bread goes it can be frozen, so just freeze half your loaf for later in the week. You can also make sure you eat plenty of fruit.

knittingaddict · 19/12/2022 17:35

I have to be honest I couldn't be with him. I know it might seem trivial to some, but I like cooking and eating and eating out. The lifestyle would be too restrictive and resentment would build over time.

I'm sympathetic because children with food issues seem to run in our family. My daughter was like this, so was my nephew and one of our grandchildren. Thankfully my daughter and newphew grew out of it in their mid to late teens and will pretty much eat anything now. To be like it as an adult must be very hard.

SummaLuvin · 19/12/2022 17:41

I think at least a few nights a week you need to cook for yourself. I would say "DP, this week I will be cooking X, Y, and Z on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, if they don't work for you, let me know and I will make a portion for only 1 person and you can sort yourself out." You might find when exposed to the foods in a non-pressured environment he might become curious and want to try your meals and could become more open if he finds he likes them (he has shown with pizza he can expand his 'safe' foods).

However, you need to think how sustainable this is for you as a partner/wife, it sounds like it might be a lifelong issue. I love going out to eat to socialise and spend quality time, also just love good food, so being so restricted on that I would find difficult. Secondly, I would be very concerned about health long-term, would his health deteriorate much younger because of this, I would struggle with that personally. Finally, if I intended to have children together I would be concerned on potential influence on them.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2022 17:41

I'm another who could not be in a relationship with someone like this. It just wouldn't work for me.

TheFlis12345 · 19/12/2022 17:45

I couldn’t be with someone with such a restrictive diet other. Does he see it as as issue and want to change? Or just tho k it is fine as he is?

AreolaGrande · 19/12/2022 17:45

I have voted YABU because you've chosen to move in with your DP knowing that he is like this?

I wouldn't have made it past one date as food/good restaurants are massively important to me and I categorically could not be with an adult who eats three puddings instead of an actual meal in a pub.

Allthingsbrightandugly · 19/12/2022 17:49

Yabu because he is who he is and it sounds like he’s tried

you do a a pasta bake without diary and do some roasted veg for you and then mix at the end

But just leave him to to. Frozen chicken and beige food & he can sort himself out.

but decide now if you can get over this and let it go because it’s not fair to stay with him whilst silently resenting who he is (and about something you knew from day1)

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 19/12/2022 17:49

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 17:27

YABU. His eating is really none of your business.

Of course it's her business. They are living together and most of us in that position negotiate the whole business of buying, storing and cooking food as a couple. OP might as well be in a house share as she and her partner are effectively eating two completely different diets.

His health must be suffering. That's unfortunate, but OP must do her level best not to go down the same route of heavily restricted eating. I'm with those who just couldn't live with this.

Alumpyreflection · 19/12/2022 17:52

I'm guessing you've talked about this? Is it that he doesn't like certain textures/tastes or is it that he's just never tried anything other than beige food and imagines he won't like it? If it's to do with certain textures or tastes, that sounds like a ASD trait but if it's just he won't try anything new, then that indicates an unwillingness to meet you halfway.

I really enjoy cooking (and eating!) and I too would find this frustrating. I get a lot of joy from cooking a nice meal and sharing it with others so I understand how this could get a bit disheartening. I don't think YABU at all.

I would try to get to the bottom of it and find out whether it's an ASD trait or if he's just a person who refuses to try anything new. If it's the latter, there might be compromises to be made.

One other thing to consider is that if you have children together, this may well affect their eating patterns too. Just something to mull over.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2022 17:52

It sounds like he has ARFID.
I’d share cooking and just have veg with yours.
Realistically he won’t change. Think about if you can live like this and what it might be like if you want a family.

Allthingsbrightandugly · 19/12/2022 17:52

There must be quite. A few meals you can jazz up for you and just give your dp the plain version, or have veg/ salad on the side

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 17:53

DH is similar - he has a really bland diet and dislikes a lot of foods and textures. He does eat some fruits and veggies though.

I have to say, it really doesn't bother me. He's been like this since we met and at nearly forty, he's not going to change now lol.

I think you either need to accept him for who he is, or, if it's not for you, break up the relationship now before you get even more committed to each other.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 17:54

Actually, yeah it is OP's business if extra family money is having to be spent to make separate meals. Fuck that, don't think I could be with him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/12/2022 17:56

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 17:27

YABU. His eating is really none of your business.

I really don't understand how and why people say this. They live together. They claim to love each other enough to want to get married in a year or so. Of course it's her business

@Superiorsweet16 this is something that only you and he can sort. I couldn't be with a person with such a restricted diet. I love to eat, cooking is my love language. You need to decide if this is you or not. You can of course suggest he explores why he eats in this manner - but be prepared to be shot down. Only he can want to change. But just imagine your wedding breakfast when he wants plain chicken and rice and won't countenance anything else.

TheShellBeach · 19/12/2022 17:56

I would lay money on him being on the autism spectrum, as he has a close relative with it.

Loads of people in my family have ASD and my DS has recently been diagnosed, and has many commonalities with people who have ARFID.

His diet is similar to the one your DP has.

If it bothers you so much just cook what you want for yourself and let him eat what suits him. He clearly can't help it. If it's a big problem, you may want to think about splitting up.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 17:57

If it's to do with certain textures or tastes, that sounds like a ASD trait

But taste and texture is what food is, it's why we like or dislike food. I don't like mushrooms because of their horrible taste and texture, it doesn't mean ASD.

AliceMcK · 19/12/2022 17:59

He’s not fussy, it’s the way he’s been raised to eat, it’s hardly his fault. You can easily buy the foods you want and let him make what he wants. I don’t eat things like olives, stuffed peppers, couscous I can’t stand the stuff, but it dose not stop my DH eating them, I bought him some today.

I was constantly accused of being a fussy eater, I fucking hated it and people judging me, I ate what I knew, what I grew up with. I have a very varied diet now but only by being introduced to new foods when I was happy to try them. I absolutely hate being forced to try new foods. I was 19 before I ever had pizza for the first time.

I still don’t like sauce covering my food, but I will happily try it on the side.

And please, I’m not usually the grammar and spelling police, but it’s sauce not source.

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2022 17:59

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 17:27

YABU. His eating is really none of your business.

Well it kind of is if they live together, surely?

WhatInFreshHell · 19/12/2022 18:02

@YellowTreeHouse What an odd response.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:02

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2022 17:59

Well it kind of is if they live together, surely?

Show quote history

What do you mean when you say it's her business?

He's a grown adult. It's up to him what he eats and what he puts in his body. It's not OP's place to try and change that for him.

If OP doesn't like it and can't live with it, that's a valid choice and of course she's free to leave or end the relationship, but beyond that - I really don't understand how it's anyone else's business but his?

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