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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP fussy eater

186 replies

Superiorsweet16 · 19/12/2022 17:22

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 18:07

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2022 17:59

Well it kind of is if they live together, surely? Confused

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No, it’s really not. @thelobsterquadrille has explained it.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 19/12/2022 18:08

I’m 20 years down the line with a partner like this and it still bugs me beyond belief.
The worst part though, is that he has made my kids like this too.

Because he wouldn’t ever DREAM of cooking any form of vegetable for himself, he wouldn’t ever DREAM of cooking s as my high of vegetables for our kids.

I have been away from home 50/60 hours a week with work for the last 6 years childcare has fallen to him.
Now we have this situation.

He/they live on processed utter utter shite.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/12/2022 18:08

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:02

What do you mean when you say it's her business?

He's a grown adult. It's up to him what he eats and what he puts in his body. It's not OP's place to try and change that for him.

If OP doesn't like it and can't live with it, that's a valid choice and of course she's free to leave or end the relationship, but beyond that - I really don't understand how it's anyone else's business but his?

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Well in that case, literally nothing is anyone else's business? So long as you're all right Jack then who cares? Sure on a purely surface level it's not her business what he puts in his body.

Or maybe when you share a life, finances, a desire for a life together, things that worry you about your partner become your business? What if it was the fact that he smokes or does drugs rather than has a poor diet?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 18:09

You are being a bit unreasonable, I’m afraid. Not for being frustrated or disappointed by this - I would be too. But there is more than one hint of martyrdom here. “Oh, I just don’t see the point of cooking when it’s only for me”. “I waste SO much veg because of my sad lonely little portion”. What did you do when you were single? What do you think other single people do? It’s not hard to buy less veg, frozen, or vegetables that last longer (root veg will last for weeks at this time of year). All this is in your control.

One half of a couple I know is a very fussy eater. Everyone thinks they can be the one to help him when the first get to know him - “Ah, but you haven’t tried my special korma, you’d eat that”; “The food in Antonio’s is amazing, you’d definitely find something you like there”; “Just try a bit of this…” It comes from a good place, but it would actually show a lot more consideration to stop and think that maybe he’s had all these conversations before.

His husband would like to eat more adventurous food at home and go out for meals more often, but ultimately he’s accepted it’s a part of life where they’re not compatible, and they concentrate on the bits where they are. I’ve been on holiday with them and the fussy one has gone off for KFC or similar while the rest of us have had a fancier meal. One of our newer friends tried the whole “Awwh no, we can’t leave you on your own; we’ll find somewhere you like” routine the first time she came away with us - again, coming from a good place. He just explained that there was no point - he very rarely enjoyed meals in restaurants, so it made more sense for everyone else to have what they really wanted (in this case, a curry) rather than settling for something else so that he could have something he didn’t really want anyway.

Could you take an approach a bit more
like this? Accept that, as much as you’d like it, nice meals out aren’t going to be a shared interest for you? You could make more effort to invite friends or other family members out for dinner instead. You don’t have to do everything as a couple.

In the meantime, don’t make yourself miserable, or indeed run down, by eating bland food because “It’s easier”. If it’s making you feel crap it isn’t easy, is it? Take control of your own diet.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:11

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:02

What do you mean when you say it's her business?

He's a grown adult. It's up to him what he eats and what he puts in his body. It's not OP's place to try and change that for him.

If OP doesn't like it and can't live with it, that's a valid choice and of course she's free to leave or end the relationship, but beyond that - I really don't understand how it's anyone else's business but his?

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"not your business" implies to me that it's something that a relationship shouldn't end over when you live together, that it should cause no issues.

If it's causing money issues and stopping OP eating what she wants then it's a relationship ending thing, so it's her business.

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 18:11

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/12/2022 18:08

Well in that case, literally nothing is anyone else's business? So long as you're all right Jack then who cares? Sure on a purely surface level it's not her business what he puts in his body.

Or maybe when you share a life, finances, a desire for a life together, things that worry you about your partner become your business? What if it was the fact that he smokes or does drugs rather than has a poor diet?

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This didn’t come out of nowhere. She knew this about him when she chose to get together and subsequently stay with him.

You also cannot compare with illegalities of drugs and selfishness of smoking (which does affect others around them) with someone else choosing what they eat.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:13

He's a grown adult. It's up to him what he eats and what he puts in his body. It's not OP's place to try and change that for him.

But this applies to anything. It's not my business if a grown adult in my house decides to do anything by this argument.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/12/2022 18:15

Yanbu it is hard. It is definitely nicer to be able to eat as a couple but that just won't work if his diet is so restrictive. I would try to find a compromise that works for both of you, so maybe sorry your own breakfasts and lunches you can make sure you are getting more variety and healthy options there and maybe some nights you do separate dinners but have some mostly the same but at extra sauce/ seasoning when serving your own.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/12/2022 18:16

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 18:11

This didn’t come out of nowhere. She knew this about him when she chose to get together and subsequently stay with him.

You also cannot compare with illegalities of drugs and selfishness of smoking (which does affect others around them) with someone else choosing what they eat.

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Ok. Well I disagree.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 18:16

OP might as well be in a house share as she and her partner are effectively eating two completely different diets.

Well unless she only wanted a partner so she’d have someone to share the cooking and food budget with, does this really matter? Millions of people live in house shares, or are single, and somehow manage their diets and budgets without getting scurvy or ending up on the breadline. They take responsibility for their own diets and food budgets.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:16

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/12/2022 18:08

Well in that case, literally nothing is anyone else's business? So long as you're all right Jack then who cares? Sure on a purely surface level it's not her business what he puts in his body.

Or maybe when you share a life, finances, a desire for a life together, things that worry you about your partner become your business? What if it was the fact that he smokes or does drugs rather than has a poor diet?

Show quote history

I would say exactly the same thing.

I don't like smoking, so I wouldn't date a smoker. In the same vein, I wouldn't date someone who didn't like animals, or who never wanted to travel.

What I wouldn't do, is date someone who smoked, then make them quit for my benefit. It's not my choice to make and it's not my place to tell another adult how they're allowed to live their lives.

If a poor diet is really that off-putting, then by all means end the relationship. I certainly wouldn't change my diet for my husband - he knew what I was like when we met.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/12/2022 18:17

If also maybe do the same as I do with my daughter and have a bit for him to try if he wants to alongside his own plain food but no pressure.

lunar1 · 19/12/2022 18:18

I don't think this is a sacrifice I could make for life. He's never going to cook you a decent meal, or take you to a lovely restaurant.

What about how it will restrict holidays and what affects would it have on future children.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:19

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:13

He's a grown adult. It's up to him what he eats and what he puts in his body. It's not OP's place to try and change that for him.

But this applies to anything. It's not my business if a grown adult in my house decides to do anything by this argument.

Well, it's true, isn't it? You can't tell a grown adult how to behave.

You can discuss your feelings and say you dislike it when he does xyz, but ultimately it's not your place to make a grown adult behave in a certain way.

gothmothtime · 19/12/2022 18:20

I'd go back to meal prep/batch cooking for myself and leave him to cook his own beige processed crap.

I don't see why you have to eat badly because he does.

Would he be happy to cook his own meals?

MoanySloney · 19/12/2022 18:23

You buy and cook what you want.

DH buys and cooks what he wants.

DH and I have managed to survive like this for 20 years just fine. There are bigger battles to fight than his food habits.

FWIW if his DB has ASD there is probably more to this than just being fussy.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:29

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:19

Well, it's true, isn't it? You can't tell a grown adult how to behave.

You can discuss your feelings and say you dislike it when he does xyz, but ultimately it's not your place to make a grown adult behave in a certain way.

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What do you think "your business" means?

If I can discuss my feelings and say I dislike it, I take that as my business. Do you think something being your business means you get to tell them to stop? That's not what I means to me. It means you have a right to an opinion and discussion about it at least. If it is straining the relationship, even more your business and it's your relationship and lives.

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:31

gothmothtime · 19/12/2022 18:20

I'd go back to meal prep/batch cooking for myself and leave him to cook his own beige processed crap.

I don't see why you have to eat badly because he does.

Would he be happy to cook his own meals?

Hopefully that is possible for OP. Wouldn't be possible in our house due to extra costs of him buying his own shite

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:32

Not to mention added costs of having the oven or hobs on a second time for dinner

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 18:32

Saxiee · 19/12/2022 18:29

What do you think "your business" means?

If I can discuss my feelings and say I dislike it, I take that as my business. Do you think something being your business means you get to tell them to stop? That's not what I means to me. It means you have a right to an opinion and discussion about it at least. If it is straining the relationship, even more your business and it's your relationship and lives.

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Okay, but what's the benefit in telling someone you don't like their habits when you know they can't/won't change?

latetothefisting · 19/12/2022 18:35

I agree with @TyphoonSpagoon "Well YABU as it doesn’t have to impact you, you are choosing to let it impact you."

All this about how it's not 'worth' buying vegetables or cooking healthy food just for you - but surely you must have done this before you moved in with him? What do you think millions of single people do, just not eat anything because it's not 'worth' getting big portions they won't eat in 1 sitting? The vast majority of things can be frozen, kept for leftovers, or just used over the next few days with a bit of meal planning.

Just go back to doing whatever you were doing before you moved in together and let him sort himself out, maybe occasionally making him beige meals if it's an easy alternative to what you're already doing.

TyphoonSpagoon · 19/12/2022 18:37

lunar1 · 19/12/2022 18:18

I don't think this is a sacrifice I could make for life. He's never going to cook you a decent meal, or take you to a lovely restaurant.

What about how it will restrict holidays and what affects would it have on future children.

Why does him having a limited diet mean he won’t cook the OP a nice meal?

I have a restrictive diet, and cook beautifully, I love to cook, I just don’t eat 90% of what I make for DH and the kids.

DH would chuckle if he heard the idea that because someone is fussy means they can’t cook a decent meal.

PacificState · 19/12/2022 18:37

I think @WomanStanleyWoman2 has the answer here. Fussy eating makes a lot of people on Mumsnet spectacularly furious - proving that food is deeply emotional whether you're a fusser or an enjoyer. Don't be a martyr about it, eat what you want. Don't be passive aggressive - he knows what he will and won't tolerate and this will be an emotional issue for him too. Do decide whether you can love him and live with him, as he is, not as you wish he were. Do not for a moment think he will change spectacularly because unless he is very young, he probably won't.

fluffiphlox · 19/12/2022 18:38

I’m not sure I could put up with this. It’s very unappealing for an adult to be so selective about food and not want to try anything new. I know a couple of grown men who won’t eat vegetables. It makes them look like big babies. It must make living with such people so limiting. YANBU.

pizzaHeart · 19/12/2022 18:45

I do understand that people have allergies, intolerances,etc. I was unsure about your DH until you’ve mentioned 3 desserts. It’s not a beige diet!!! Those who can eat 3 desserts can eat vegetables imo, he’s just not keen on them and prefer desserts.