DP fussy eater

[Superiorsweet16]

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

Why does the hob or the oven have to be on twice? OP cooks pasta on one ring, sauce on the other (for example) - her partner just doesn’t eat the sauce. OP wants a seasoned chop, partner wants a plain one - they can still go under the same grill.

People are looking for problems here. As I and other posters have mentioned, how do you think single people manage? Oven on for half an hour when you have one income - cost of £x. Oven for an hour when you have two incomes - also costs £x. Somehow there isn’t a mass epidemic of poverty amongst single people because they heated up a lasagne.

I agree with @WomanStanleyWoman2. You really need to stop being a martyr. What is stopping you from using vegetables over several days or batch cooking? Yes this situation is annoying, and far from ideal, but you can’t change it - so you have to decide whether you love him enough to put up with it.

DH has a fairly restrictive diet. Partly allergies and intolerances, partly fear of trying new foods because so many have turned out to disagree with him. I love food and trying new restaurants - sometimes I feel really frustrated and resentful that we can’t do that together, or daydream about what life might be like if I’d married someone who could actually enjoy these things with me instead of a lot of restaurants only being places I can go with friends rather than DH. He’s not as bad as yours, in that he does eat some veg, although he likes very plain food that I find really boring.

I have long ago accepted that our food shops will cost a bit more as a result of this. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is. I’m jealous of other couples who can go out to eat exciting food together, but I try to remember all the things I love about him too.

I couldn't bear it. Such a turn off.

The poor man. Has he been assessed for ARFID?

Assuming this is him for life, do you want to live with this in perpetuity?

I actually would not be able to be with him. That would have been a deal breaker before we even moved in together. No way to advise as I can't imagine living that way.

I'd batch cool for myself and just leave him to it. Don't eat that diet or you'll end up feeling you're dragging yourself through the days.

Does he have no veg then? Does he take vitamin supplements or is he just malnourished? Long term eating like that will damage his health and yours if you match it.

My ex wouldn't eat any vegetables at all. Not even tinned tomatoes in a pasta dish or finely chopped onion in a curry. He'd eat anything that once had a pulse but no vegetables at all except potatoes. I nearly finished him off with my dinner fork one day when he was convinced I'd 'hidden' parsley in something and was forensically examining each mouthful to be sure. I put up with it for 10 years. And then I divorced him. I do still think it would have been justifiable homicide if I had finished him off over parsleygate 😂

Why does the hob or the oven have to be on twice? OP cooks pasta on one ring, sauce on the other (for example) - her partner just doesn’t eat the sauce. OP wants a seasoned chop, partner wants a plain one - they can still go under the same grill.

Because the person I replied to was talking about "him cooking his own dinner", to me that doesn't imply its at the same time! If OP is cooking a seasoned chop and he wants a plain one so they go under the same grill... That's not him cooking his own dinner, that's OP cooking his dinner at the same time as hers. Different things

Honestly this would drive me up the wall. So I think I’d have a frank discussion with him. Yes, he’s a grown up and is allowed to decide his likes and dislikes, but and the children are also going to do your own thing. For the love of all that is holy, don’t let this influence what you feed your child. Then you’ll just have 2 of them on your hands. Don’t cook him a different meal. He’s offered to cook for himself then let him have at it.

Eating out should be similar… “That’s too bad you don’t like the menu at this restaurant, I do and we’re going. You can try something, starve, or eat a sandwich before we go. You choose the next restaurant “

Me having the oven on for half an hour for one seasoned chop and one unseasoned cop = £x and I'm cooking both our dinners

Me having it on for half hour for my dinner and then him having it on for half an hour for his dinner = £xx

This would drive me insane and without a diagnosis of AFRID, I would be gone.

Just out of curiosity, I'm struggling to think of many dairy free desserts, did he get 3fully diary free ones?

Crikey! I don't think I'd have lasted ten minutes. Did he eat ketchup? Chips, crisps?

So why comment?

You're not being unreasonable. My DP is the same and i decided it was too much cooking for him, for me and also DD who was starting solids. I told him he would have to sort himself out and it was the best thing. He lives on takeaways now, while me and DD have nice healthy meals every night.

I don't think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

My main concern with this would be his health. He must feel so lethargic! He may seem okay now but years of eating nothing but processed crap will eventually catch up to him (and you, if your diet is becoming influenced by his).

This is not something that should be minimized and if it was me I would be pushing him to go to therapy / see a specialist for his food issues.
Good luck OP!

DP would need to have at least three chops as that’s all he’s eating with plain rice/pasta/chips.

if we have a roast dinner he’ll have half a plate of meat, few yorkshires (don’t tell him what’s in them) and roast potatoes (he used to have his roast dinners with chips!)

I’m no expert but it does seem to be how he’s raised. Both of his parents pander to all of his siblings ‘diet’ as they’re all the same. Before meeting me he had never had mash/roast potatoes/most veg. He doesn’t eat peas as he tried them when he was six and didn’t like them. He cannot remember ever trying leafy or having a salad.

He’s tried some veg with me but just prefers eating pure meat/white carbs.

Bunging an extra couple of chops under the grill is hardly ‘cooking both dinners’ 🙄 Surely you’d be doing that anyway if you were cooking the same thing for the two of you?

Only you know if you can deal with it. I had no bother with it in principle with my XP, I knew he was the type to order steak and chips at a Thai restaurant etc. But it was awful when we lived together because it was always easier for me to make a proper meal (for me) with a plain version for him but NEVER the other way round so he never cooked for me. I had romantic fantasies of cooking together over a glass of wine then eating together...nah (my own fault for thinking he'd change or make an effort for me - men rarely do that).

But the worst thing was his need to constantly express how disgusting he thought my food looked or smelled and the fake gagging if I offered him some. So incredibly immature and disrespectful - chucked into the bin along with his left over chicken nuggs and spaghetti hoops (that were too spicy for him).

His attitude might be the key. He can be fussy without kicking up a fuss and making it your problem to solve.

You want to be dealing with that sh*t for the rest of your life? It will get old fast.

LTB

But the worst thing was his need to constantly express how disgusting he thought my food looked or smelled and the fake gagging if I offered him some. So incredibly immature and disrespectful - chucked into the bin along with his left over chicken nuggs and spaghetti hoops (that were too spicy for him).

Then why in heaven’s name did you keep doing it? If you knew he was going to heave or make puking noises if you offered him Thai curry or Lebanese kebabs or whatever, why keep saying “Come on; just try it”. It’s ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

@juliaissurviving Ha, ha I had a similar episode with my H and coriander. There's nothing more irritating than cooking alovely meal and someone sat with a face like a sour lemon poking through it for one particular ingredient. Mine also comments that I need to wear my glasses if he sees so much as a black speck on cauliflower etc . I admit it's worn me down over the years and it's a miracle he's not an ex H when I look at other peoples cheerful husbands who eat anything

There's going to be a hell of a lot of Nando's in your life by the sound of it OP

The partner in question is an XP now, so I don't expect she kept doing it for very long. Odd that your main criticism here is of the unfortunate woman's attempts to get her partner to eat a normal mixed diet and not her partner's rude and childish behaviour towards her.

I was going to suggest this. My friend has it and it really restricts her eating. She's tried so many forms of therapy to help but nothing has so far :(