Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP fussy eater

186 replies

Superiorsweet16 · 19/12/2022 17:22

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

OP posts:
Amoreena · 20/12/2022 01:40

There was a TV programme about people with these food issues. Some had more restricted diets than your dp. It's like a phobia and a psychologist was able to get them to eat more foods.

OooScotland · 20/12/2022 01:43

Yanbu, in as much as this is a serious problem that he needs to want to address, but clearly doesn’t.

You can’t make him change though, he has to want to commit to psychological treatment, which is very unlikely by the sounds of it.

Stop being a martyr and eat your normal diet and leave him to his meat and pasta while you think about what you’re going to do longer term, especially if children are on the cards.

Not the same situation but I started eating the same meals as my husband when we got married because it was easier and I put three stone on in a year. Never mind him for now, you must return to eating the diet that is right for you. Your health is already being affected, if not your weight. You’ll have to accept it will cost more unless you’re willing to lose your health as well as his just to keep costs down.

Having said that I agree with the PP who said they wouldn’t have got past the first date or two with someone like this. It is a serious situation. I wouldn’t enter a romantic relationship with a smoker, a heavy drinker or someone with ARFID. There are many dealbreakers when it comes to compatibility and this would be one of them for me.

Footmassageplease · 20/12/2022 02:34

My father in law is just like this. Him & mother in law have been married over, 40 years. You can make it work if you want to.

P.S he has no health issues (in his 60s)

Footmassageplease · 20/12/2022 02:40

Also, mother In law does put salad/veg on the side of her plate. She eats fruit throughout the day. Doesn't always have the same meal as him etc

billy1966 · 20/12/2022 05:32

OP, only 6 months in and you are rightly finding this hard.

I also couldn't put up with this.

Are you splitting food bills?

Because his is unhealthy and expensive.

The worst thing you can do is to continue to ignore this like you have.

Food is a big part of sharing a life with someone.

TheOriginalEmu · 20/12/2022 06:05

If he has a sibling with ASD and he’s that food averse there’s a decent chance he is also ND. or maybe he isn’t, but has had a life time of food with a ND sibling and so his palate is unused to things and he’s not good with change.
Just make your own food.

TheOriginalEmu · 20/12/2022 06:08

Amoreena · 20/12/2022 01:40

There was a TV programme about people with these food issues. Some had more restricted diets than your dp. It's like a phobia and a psychologist was able to get them to eat more foods.

Sounds like it was about ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) and it is an (non body image based) eating disorder. It’s rooted in anxiety and is not a person being fussy but having a genuine issue. It’s quite possibly the issue here.

Dumle · 20/12/2022 06:10

Peashoots · 19/12/2022 17:26

He needs to see a dietician and a therapist, he’s going to make himself ill.
I really would have no patience or tolerance for this at all.

It's not his fault. I'm a fussy eater altough I have a more varied diet than the OPs dp but it is hard. You're talking like he has chosen this for himself which he hasn't.

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 06:22

Dumle · 20/12/2022 06:10

It's not his fault. I'm a fussy eater altough I have a more varied diet than the OPs dp but it is hard. You're talking like he has chosen this for himself which he hasn't.

Show quote history

Except that he will eat veg he just prefers not to, won’t try peas cos he didn’t like them when he was 6 and happily eats veg when it is hidden in other foods.

all of which indicates it isn’t that he can’t eat these foods, he simply doesn’t want to. so yes, that is his ‘fault’

Nosleepforthismum · 20/12/2022 06:28

On the basis that you’ve said he just “prefers” to eat unhealthy beige foods rather than there being a diagnosed issue would make me leave him. I couldn’t be with someone who had such little regard for their own health. It’s incredibly selfish and will impact you hugely the older he gets. Not to mention if you had children with him, is this an example you want to set for them? I’d be telling him he can either grow up and start eating a healthy varied diet or he can leave.

squashgummies · 20/12/2022 09:26

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2022 01:33

Do not make this rod for your own back!

Living like this is already making you unwell ("I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier."). Just how ill are you prepared to let yourself get? You're accepting feeling run down. Next up, increased susceptibility to colds etc., maybe your skin becoming more fragile - will you draw the line when you notice your eyesight deteriorating? Poor nutrition has such a wide variety of effects!

And he's been eating this restricted diet for much longer than you. How do you feel about his health breaking down before it should? Maybe becoming his carer? It's all possible.

How are you going to ensure your children, should you have any, won't be sucked into this too? Daddy is hardly going to be modelling healthy behaviour now, is he?

I think the pair of you have to sit down and TALK about this, and you should be asking him if he cares about YOUR health. How will he raise children to be healthy? How old does he think he'll be before his diet starts impacting his health? Has he looked at exactly what his diet is deficient in, what that means for his body, and is he taking any steps to supplement?

The problem is HIS. And it's HIS responsibility to minimise HIS impact on YOUR health. It is not all down to you!

Personally - I would be considering my future and asking myself if this is what I want my life to be like. It could be a deal-breaker for me, especially if he is taking no steps to sort himself out.

THIS

MostTacticalNameChange · 20/12/2022 09:26

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 20:26

Because she wasn't an ‘unfortunate woman’ - she decided she wanted someone else to change HIS diet because of HER preference, and then threw a strop when that didn’t happen.

Of course comments about her food were childish - but maybe if she hadn’t kept on about what he was eating and trying to make him try food he had shown no interest in several times, maybe he would have returned the favour and just let her eat in peace?

Show quote history

I never decided he had to change his diet and I never threw any strops - where are you getting this horseshit from? If he ever asked what I was I was having or had bought or ordered, I'd ask if he wanted to try it, then would come the pathetic reaction. Like I actually acknowledged in my PP people don't usually change - he didn't (in many ways) even though I hoped (not forced!) he would. That is a lesson you usually have to find out for yourself, I did and I passed on my experience to the OP.

Why so combative, has this subject touched a nerve - do people make you feel inferior for your diet? I'm vegetarian and keep quiet about it but when people find out there is a lot of pre-emptive 'banter' about mmm bacon and 'what on earth do you eat/are you ill' as they expect me to attack their diet (I never do) but there is clearly a lot of emotions attached to food and personal choices around it. It shows it can be quite important to have similar (or at least sympathetic) opinions on diet.

grumpycow1 · 20/12/2022 10:14

He needs help, I would really struggle living with someone like that too. Let him know how badly it affects you and ask if he will go to his GP for counselling or dietician help? He should want to sort himself out too as it’s not healthy at all.

yadaya · 20/12/2022 10:29

Amoreena · 20/12/2022 01:40

There was a TV programme about people with these food issues. Some had more restricted diets than your dp. It's like a phobia and a psychologist was able to get them to eat more foods.

My therapist was the psychologist on this programme!

It's a really misunderstood eating disorder - I have an actual phobia of eating food that isn't on my safe list. It's so hard to live with.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/12/2022 10:32

Why so combative, has this subject touched a nerve - do people make you feel inferior for your diet?

For heaven’s sake, I asked a simple question. Another poster decided I was attacking a ‘poor unfortunate woman’, so I made it clear that I thought this was bollocks. You don’t have to trot out all this ‘touched a nerve’ nonsense.

whattodo1975 · 20/12/2022 10:37

Absolutely no woman ever wants to date a man who is a fussy eater.

JustATShirtInTheKitchen · 20/12/2022 10:40

I think you need to stop letting it impact you so much. You’ve said he’s kind and wiling to cook his own meals and you find it simple to cook his meal alongside your own so it just doesn’t have to be an issue.

I’m vegan and eat very differently to my partner. One of my children has issues around food. It’s not a big deal unless you make it into one.

pinkfondu · 20/12/2022 10:53

You shouldn't have to do all the compromise. If you don want to eat separately all the time then you need a few days a week where you can have what you want

RaRaRaspoutine · 20/12/2022 10:59

Why feel down about it? I have a friend who lives on bread, cheese, apples and occasionally a chocolate bar (he had a stomach op as as child and has never regained any type of love for most food). His wife just cooks for herself. It's tricky to go out to eat, of course, but at home they just cater for themselves. They still eat meals together.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/12/2022 12:25

Maybe you should read back your posts then @WomanStanleyWoman2 because you seem extremely combative for someone who is ‘merely pointing something out’.

Floordilemma · 20/12/2022 12:59

I feel your pain OP. It might get easier.

I'm 8 years in, 4 married, 2 kids. It's better, but not great. I think he feels guilty, but also very defensive and sometimes can make it feel like my fault if he can't find something he likes on the menu.

I'm lucky that he does like curry, bolognese, chilli, cottage pie. These are all things you can hide veg in (he doesn't mind, as long as he can't see it - and has even got better with seeing it over the years). He also loves a roast - but only veg is cauliflower, carotts and peas.
Didn't have any cauliflower this weekend and I was very shocked when he put a bit of broccoli on his plate!! It has never happened before.

I love him, and I have no regrets in marrying him. But some days are hard, food is a bit boring now. I can't pick up a cook book and make something that looks nice. If he hasn't eaten it before he's unlikely to try it.

Unfortunately he also likes us to eat together/the same thing. And can be a bit grumpy if I make us two different things.

Some tips...

-take the small wins where you can, but don't make a big deal of them and don't overdo it (I won't be serving him broccoli with tonight's dinner just because he ate a bit on Sunday)

  • if he'll eat any meals that are easily frozen and reheated then bulk up on them and cook yourself something else (or the other way around).
  • spend money on good quality veg. We use a local independent delivery service. It's more expensive but the veg lasts much longer and we don't throw much out.

Try to encourage therapy, if he's open to it and wants to change.

My husband is aware of his issues, doesn't seem to have much desire to change (because that would mean eating different foods), BUT he never mentions food negatively in front of the kids. Never says he doesn't like something. Instead he says things like 'it's not my favourite', 'I do like it but I don't want any today', 'I'm full', 'I'd rather eat X today'.

If pushed (by them), he might say 'I don't really enjoy it'.

Good luck! And make the most of meals out without him, or the days when he's out and you can cook whatever you like!

FrostyFox · 20/12/2022 13:13

@Floordilemma ”Unfortunately he also likes us to eat together/the same thing. And can be a bit grumpy if I make us two different things.” (sorry don’t get how to do a partial quote)

This would bother me far more than fussiness - not really fair to expect to have it both ways?

Pearls1234 · 20/12/2022 13:21

Try frozen veg for yourself! My DH doesn’t have issues to this extent but dislikes most veg. We buy frozen and that way we can cook enough for me but none gets wasted.

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 13:22

It says something about the easy modern times we live in when people can make up all these rules about food.

toffeeapple77 · 20/12/2022 13:28

YANBU to feel down about it but given you're marrying him and you can't change other people (he'd have to want to change), you'd be best to try and consciously let go of this issue. Otherwise you're heading for a lot of resentment and wasted energy.