DP fussy eater

[Superiorsweet16]

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

I couldn’t be with someone like this - I love cooking and going out for food and travelling to try different foods. DH is an amazing cook and we love cooking for each other. It would be a deal breaker for me (but I probably wouldn’t have gone on date 2, never mind moved in with him!)

I think you’re probably fundamentally incompatible. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Honestly, he sounds incredibly immature @Superiorsweet16 and that’s really unattractive.

its clearly not that he dislikes garlic/herbs/dairy as he’ll eat them when used as ingredients/flavours in other things. He’s simply decided he doesn’t want to rat them regardless of the inconvenience.

refusing to try peas because he didn’t like them when he was 6 is quite frankly pathetic.

his diet sounds terrible for his health and very expensive.

i’d honestly think long and hard if this is how you want to live, and the role model you want for children

So does he understand how unhealthy his diet is? He’s not a child now - so if he’s tried some veg and can cope with eating them, does he understand he needs to eat them even if they aren’t his preferred foods?

I am not sure long term it’s a good idea to set up life with a man child who doesn’t take responsibility for his health.

My DH was like this

luckily it never occurred to me to eat his diet to humour him

I just cooked and ate as before, and he often ended up having cheese and bread. His choice.

you are way too accommodating and making HIS problem YOUR problem

don’t erase your own needs (healthy diet) to accommodate his

DH now eats most things btw, I think he just got bored of bread and cheese/jam

He’s does not need 3 chops that’s greedy

if he won’t even try new things when he can’t remember why he doesn’t like something he just sounds immature and I can’t imagine this is the only issue you have with him

Because she wasn't an ‘unfortunate woman’ - she decided she wanted someone else to change HIS diet because of HER preference, and then threw a strop when that didn’t happen.

Of course comments about her food were childish - but maybe if she hadn’t kept on about what he was eating and trying to make him try food he had shown no interest in several times, maybe he would have returned the favour and just let her eat in peace?

From the language you are using it sounds like it is a choice he is making, rather than a phobia etc.

If this is going to work you two need to have a proper chat. He needs to know that this is threatening your relationship - of course some people wouldn't care and for others it would be a deal breaker, but this is you and him we are talking about now.

Talk to each other. x

There's a difference between 'really dislike' (as in truly can't stomach) and just 'don't like much' because they're just not his favourites.

I have a fussy relative who turns their nose up at anything that isn't their absolute favourite foods. They say they 'don't like' xyz when it's edible to them, they just feel entitled to demand extra of the good expensive stuff.

He doesn't 'need' three chops - park a loaf of bread and some butter on the table to fill him up. He's not such a special snowflake he somehow needs extra meat because he wants it and doesn't like other things 'as much'. That shit's expensive!

He sounds like my 6 yo nephew and i find this in adult men very unattractive.

Depends if he realises that his eating is unhealthy and wants to learn to change it and start eating better or if he’s happy with his nuggets and chips. I wouldn’t want to bring up a child with someone who has a very restricted diet.

Dh was brought up on meat,
potatoes and two veg and hadn’t tried much else when I met him but now happily eats most things- he just hadn’t been given the opportunity to try anything more
adventurous but was happy to try things.

Sounds like ARFID to me.
I was diagnosed with this as an adult and have had some hypnotherapy which has helped a bit.

I don't see why you need to eat the same as him though ..... my Dh or DS don't follow my restricted diet because that would be ridiculous!!

Read up on arfid. It's a food restriction disorder. I have it and whilst I have improved over years there's many foods I can't eat. The best thing you can do is be supportive and don't make an issue of it. Leave him to sort his meals if easier and you eat whatever you choose.

Does he want to change? There are programs to help restricted eaters and you can probably buy a book or find advice online. If he wanted to increase the foods he eats then you could help him.

I have a friend who was very fussy, definitely no fruit or veg, up until he moved in with a girlfriend aged 28. He realised he just had to get on with it and eat things he didn’t really like because otherwise normal social interactions were going to be very difficult. Eventually he got used to it.

Do not downgrade your own food or compromise your own nutrition in order to match your DP. That is horribly co-dependent and not a sign of a healthy relationship.

To me, compatibility in approaches to food is very important. You have a lifetime of shared meals ahead! Food is a constant throughout life, one which brings pleasure as well as sustenance. It should be a quiet domestic joy to share cooking and eating together. Are you willing to sacrifice that?

Are you planning children? How will you feel when they inevitably mimic their father's eating habits? When he shuns your healthy food or belittles you for preparing it and encourages your children to follow suit?

For me, this is a fundamental incompatibility. There's no way the relationship would have progressed this far.

If DP wanted to tackle his issues, he already would have. Instead he's happy for you to match his inferior nutrition. These are not the actions of a caring partner.

What else you have compromised to keep the love of 'the greatest man you have ever met'?

I've noticed that partners who are described in superlative terms usually turn out not to be!

Bunging an extra couple of chops under the grill is hardly ‘cooking both dinners’ 🙄 Surely you’d be doing that anyway if you were cooking the same thing for the two of you?

What part of referring to someone who said "let him cook his own dinners" don't you get? That implies that OP makes her own dinner and he then makes a separate dinner at a different time, so it does mean the oven is on for longer than normal. The PP then said putting extra chop under doesn't mean extra oven time... Yes, but that's not what "leaving him to cook his own dinner" means.

It might not be "cooking two dinners" but it is "cooking dinner for two people" rather than "him cooking his own dinner" 🙄

How would you feel if your children also ate this way OP?

My friend doesn't eat any fruit or veg at all. However he cooks for himself, is positive about fruit and veg with his children, and makes an effort to take a greens supplement daily along with a superfood fruit one. He wouldn't ever pull faces at food either and will happily cook fruit and veg

We have two ASD teens in our house both eat many things different from the other i.e. one prefers veg the other eats meat and potatoes only. We make one meal for everybody. i.e. stir-fry, one has the meat, the other has the veg. Both have the noodles and rice but DH doesn't have so much noodles. DS likes meatballs, DD and DH don't so I add sausages for them. I have to say I wouldn't give him 3 chops, I'd bulk it up with sausages. Frozen veg is your friend, you can have as much or as little as you like. What about making soup like lentil, blitz it and he will never know there is onion and carrot etc. in it.

My DH wasn't quite as bad but not dissimilar and honestly I have advised both my children that they should not go down the same route as me and it's a fundamental incompatibility within a relationship (i'll leave you to read into that what you will). Think ahead to having children and what that might look like. At the absolute minimum you should just cook normal meals for you and if DP wants anything different he has to think, shop, cook and pay for it. Our circumstances mean I cater to it but some time in the not too distant future I won't be. Don't start out making the kind of concessions you currently are, it really is not a good path.

But why does it have to be an entirely separate enterprise? Have you and a partner or friend never cooked together?

And still no one gasping about the costs involved has been able to explain how millions of single people manage to cook for one without ending up in debtors prison.

This is damaging your physical health AND your relationship. so I don't think you should marry unless he can change.

You might have to give him that ultimatum. "Get some help to change or there will be no wedding, no future with me, no babies etc".

Do not make this rod for your own back!

Living like this is already making you unwell ("I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier."). Just how ill are you prepared to let yourself get? You're accepting feeling run down. Next up, increased susceptibility to colds etc., maybe your skin becoming more fragile - will you draw the line when you notice your eyesight deteriorating? Poor nutrition has such a wide variety of effects!

And he's been eating this restricted diet for much longer than you. How do you feel about his health breaking down before it should? Maybe becoming his carer? It's all possible.

How are you going to ensure your children, should you have any, won't be sucked into this too? Daddy is hardly going to be modelling healthy behaviour now, is he?

I think the pair of you have to sit down and TALK about this, and you should be asking him if he cares about YOUR health. How will he raise children to be healthy? How old does he think he'll be before his diet starts impacting his health? Has he looked at exactly what his diet is deficient in, what that means for his body, and is he taking any steps to supplement?

The problem is HIS. And it's HIS responsibility to minimise HIS impact on YOUR health. It is not all down to you!

Personally - I would be considering my future and asking myself if this is what I want my life to be like. It could be a deal-breaker for me, especially if he is taking no steps to sort himself out.