DP fussy eater

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I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

are you the OP’s DP?

because your situation sounds nothing like hers (which is a DP who is fussy)

@IndieK1d - but the OP has said he has tried more vegetables with her, was able to eat them but doesn’t like them. That’s rather different to the situation you are describing. It seems the Ops DPs sibling might have been unable to eat some foods for sensory issues, but the DP doesn’t have that.

My point is that the previous posters statement is objectively wrong. There is at least one woman who wants to date a man who is a fussy eater.

Only if you insist on deliberately misunderstanding it I guess 🤷‍♀️

or have a fussy-eater fetish

Eating vegetables that are hidden in food is very different from eating them as they are. Issues with food or food preferences can be very hard to change so I'm still saying that it's not his fault.

Did you just latch onto the part of that post that confirmed your own preconceptions and ignored the rest (including the fact OP says he will eat veg and other foods but generally doesn’t want to as it’s not his preferred foods)

or do you think you know the op’s DP better than the OP?

I don't think I'm misunderstanding anything. Simply saying that the PPs statement about what all women would or would not do is false. No need to be so aggressive about it.

And I'm not sure why you keep bringing up fetishises but they have nothing to do with anything. If your so desperate to discuss fetishes maybe try a different board.

can you genuinely not see the difference between not wanting something and actively discounting it?

I can, but that wasn't the issue I was addressing. I responded to a PP who said no women would ever want to date a man who was a fussy eater..... like they felt they could respond on behalf of all women. Which is clearly bullshit.

Of course people don't generally seek out partners with eating disorders.... I mean, I would bloody love not to have an eating disorder!! But most normal people would be understanding and not declare that nobody will ever want to date you!! 😂😂

You find shrugging an act of aggression?!?
that’s also unusual 😁

We were responding to the same post and discussing the same issue.
i think it sounds like we both actually broadly agree with the poster - no woman wants to date a fussy eater.

which is not the same as saying no woman would ever date a fussy eater, or that no woman would ever overlook fussy eating in a relationship on a balance of characteristics. Of course that would be bullshit but it’s not what was said.

There haven’t been any posters on this thread with the exception of one, who have said they actively want to date fussy eaters (and I think they’re looking for an argument more than anything else)

OP you mentioned money a few times. It's so sad you're prioritising his eating disorder over your healthy diet when it comes to food shopping.

If I were you I'd experiment shopping and cooking separately. He can buy his own food, you buy yours.

But think really, really hard whether this is something you can cope with long term, and how it would work should you decide to have children...

Your whole tone really. But whatever, you're clearly looking to start an argument for some sad reason.

Actually furandfeathers I think we're just interpreting that post slightly differently.

I thought it was insensitive but I'm coming at it from having been told multiple times on this site that my 'fussy eating' makes me un-datable, childish, pathetic and someone who people wouldn't be friends with!

For some people food is really important and they want a partner who will share food based experiences with them. Others genuinely couldn't care less, or are willing to look past it and compromise.

I've found that 'foodie' people tend to think everyone feels the same and that those who don't are 'childish' and the ones who need to change. They don't seem to understand that for some people food just isn't important and it's just fuel!

Agree with this

Exactly. Unsure why the poster said otherwise

So it's making you miserable and now effecting your health.

I think you need to think hard if you want to sign up for a life of that? It's so restrictive and it sounds like you love a variety of food. What about if you travel? He'll restrict you. It will leak into every part of life.

In the short term, I would say you each buy and cook your own food. Meat is expensive , especially if he’s eating 3 times as much as a typical adult. You shouldn’t be going without a balanced diet in order to finance his meat fest.

I agree that food is fuel, and that applies to all of us, foodies and non-foodies. Those who have a very limited diet, for whatever reason, are getting substandard fuel, which has health implications. My husband is not a foodie. He does enjoy good food, but his primary interest in food is getting adequate calories and nutrition. He eats various vegetables he isn't very keen on to ensure he is getting the health benefits- effectively he sees them as medication. If someone is unable to do that, it would be a good idea to get professional help and advice about diet and nutrition.

What about if you travel? He'll restrict you. It will leak into every part of life.

Why will it restrict travel?
I travel extensively for pleasure and for work and I manage! This year I've travelled to Spain, Greece, Vietnam and Malaysia..... I've not starved or restricted anyone else's pleasure of trying local cuisine.

I agree that food is fuel, and that applies to all of us, foodies and non-foodies. Those who have a very limited diet, for whatever reason, are getting substandard fuel, which has health implications. My husband is not a foodie. He does enjoy good food, but his primary interest in food is getting adequate calories and nutrition. He eats various vegetables he isn't very keen on to ensure he is getting the health benefits- effectively he sees them as medication. If someone is unable to do that, it would be a good idea to get professional help and advice about diet and nutrition.

A couple of points, a restrictive diet doesn't necessarily mean substandard fuel. For some people that will be the case but for others that's not necessarily true.
I have enough healthy foods on my safe list to ensure that I'm in good shape health wise. My DH will literally eat anything and his diet is far more unhealthy!

I agree with getting professional help but not necessarily in the shape of advice about diet and nutrition. If someone suffers from ARFID no amount of advice on nutrition will help ..... it's an actual phobia and is the equivalent of telling someone who has a phobia of spiders to stop being ridiculous and to just pick up a spider.
The help needs to come in the form of a trained psychologist who specialises in eating disorders.

Yes I’d agree. I enjoy food but my dietary restrictions mean I’ve had to learn to place much less value on it. Does it make dating and travelling more difficult? Yes. Do people judge me for it? Perhaps.

but I don’t take it personally and I do understand the frustration with fussiness. As someone who is totally unfussy but very restricted diet wise I can empathise with the frustration/judgement to some extent because I fail to understand why someone would actively choose to eat beige tasteless food (the mainstay of most fussy eaters) if they didn’t need to.

its needlessly limiting and quite selfish to not even make an effort for your partner’s sake.

I fail to understand why someone would actively choose to eat beige tasteless food (the mainstay of most fussy eaters) if they didn’t need to.

its needlessly limiting and quite selfish to not even make an effort for your partner’s sake.

Have you ever heard of ARFID? There are foods I just cannot eat, it's not about not making an effort it's a about living with an actual phobia of eating certain foods.

I'm not selfish and my DH doesn't consider me selfish for not trying new foods because he understands that I have an eating disorder.

Stop parenting him and meet your own needs. If you are cooking all this lovely sounding food and he doesn't like it then he can organise his own food.

It isn’t for everyone. I have no interest in food or cooking and couldn’t cope with any of you gluttonous “foodie” types

Do you not get bored of doing this on every single thread you plop onto? Someone could start a thread about the colour of the sky and I could guarantee you'd pop up to say actually the sky is purple. Have you not got some sort of hobby that might help alleviate the need for attention?

You can switch from cooking a whole chicken to chicken thighs - that way, you can do a couple in the way you like in the oven and two plain ones for him at the same time. Or buy a whole chicken and portion it up, which means you get more meat for less than a packet of chicken breast alone.

Frozen veg works very well, as you just use what's needed, whether it's a handful or a spoonful. Most of it will heat through easily - something like a handful of Mediterranean veg could go into your roasting dish and never touch his, but you wouldn't be wasting 3/4 of a courgette, for example.

If he wants more meat and it costs too much, then cut out the biscuit and snack purchases - can't have both and actual nutritious food is more important.

You are craving fresh veg and stuff that isn't out of a packet. So get it. Just for you. he can have Basics chicken nuggets and deal with any vitamin and mineral deficiencies when he's older.