Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP fussy eater

186 replies

Superiorsweet16 · 19/12/2022 17:22

I think I'm in bit of a funk today as i've not been feeling well recently and more than likely creating a mountain out of a mole hill.

DP is an extremely fussy eater (he has an older sibling with ASD who has a very select beige diet but DP has no other signs of being ND) and it's started to bring me down.

We moved into our first home in the beginning of summer and he is honestly the greatest man I have ever met and I cannot wait to marry him in 2024. DP is very caring and tries his hardest to not let it affect me. He doesn't want to be this way, is embarrassed and is trying but his diet is similar to a four-year-old.

DP will not eat vegetables or anything in source. His diet before meeting me was essentially meat, white carbs, beige frozen food and chips. The last year he's started to eat pizza (never wanted the tomato source), potatoes (not just chips) and meat in non dairy/veg source. He won't have anything with dairy (rules out pasta bakes), or anything that seasoned (roasted potatoes with herbs/garlic etc). When I cook he'll eat meat with certain veg as long as he doesn't know it's there i.e. Sausage with sage/garlic or onions blended into the mince.

There's only a few restaurants we can go to that he can actually eat in but he'll never put up a fuss. A couple of weeks ago we didn't have much choice apart from a pub lunch and as there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted to eat he just had three desserts.

It's just becoming difficult to attempt to eat a similar meal and I feel that I'm becoming deficient trying to meet us half way. DP has always offered to cook his own meals, or as it's literally just plain meat and pasta I can just cook his separately. I've noticed that i'm feeling more run down more often but it's because i'm eating similar to him 75% of the week just as it's easier. Food shops are costing a fortune as meat isn't cheap and i've noticed that i'm barely bothering to buy myself veg as the small handfuls i'm throwing on the side of my plate is just meaning so much is getting wasted. I don't bother buying myself treats I used to enjoy like salsa/cheese/stuffed peppers as we're already spending a fortune on the weekly shop i'll just tuck into biscuits with him. Same with there's not much point buying myself a seeded loaf when we can both just eat white bread.

Before we moved in together I used to meal prep for myself and I could easily go back to that to ensure i'm eating well (I don't quite see the point in spending an hour cooking just for me) but it's that I feel like we're having separate meals. I'm craving some Moroccan style couscous, roasted veg with maybe some lemon chicken and maybe I could tell DP to sort himself out... probably just plain chicken and rice.

AIBU to feel down about DPs fussy eating or shall I just pull myself together as there's bigger issues in this world.

OP posts:
Augend23 · 20/12/2022 13:28

Does he know how learning to like food works? I don't mean that in a horrible way.

I was super fussy up to the age of about 15 and now eat a broadly normal diet. To make that change I had to realise that I didn't generally just like things straight away, but that didn't mean I would never like them.

E.g. it took me til I was about 20 to like olives. I probably ate them 30 times? Mushrooms took til I was 28 and maybe 50 attempts. I now love olives and will at least sometimes actively decided to cook with mushrooms.

The other way I learnt to like things was by not introducing too big a change each time.

So e.g. to start with I just had pasta totally plain. Then I had it plain with grated cheese. Then I had it with a smooth tomato and ricotta/creme fraiche/mascarpone sauce. Then added in finely diced onions. Things like onions in with the mince, you might start with them gratd, then shift to very finely diced, then slightly less likely. Then add some grated carrot in etc etc. So each step is a small step - taste wise or texture wise or both. The same with herbs - ou start by just adding a small amount so they aren't overpowering to a palette used to very bland flavours (recognising that is likely to be bland for you) and then build up.

Obviously he has to want to do that, and it's a massive undertaking. But I am now someone who loves food, is regarded as a really good cook and while I don't like everything it has massively changed my life for the better.

Valeriekat · 20/12/2022 14:19

YellowTreeHouse · 19/12/2022 17:27

YABU. His eating is really none of your business.

Of course it is! Sharing food and cooking together is a joyful part of a relationship. I am not sure I could cope with him.

YellowTreeHouse · 20/12/2022 14:34

Valeriekat · 20/12/2022 14:19

Of course it is! Sharing food and cooking together is a joyful part of a relationship. I am not sure I could cope with him.

Show quote history

For you, it is.

It isn’t for everyone. I have no interest in food or cooking and couldn’t cope with any of you gluttonous “foodie” types.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 20/12/2022 14:38

YellowTreeHouse · 20/12/2022 14:34

For you, it is.

It isn’t for everyone. I have no interest in food or cooking and couldn’t cope with any of you gluttonous “foodie” types.

Show quote history

Why does enjoying cooking and eating together make you 'gluttonous' ?

PerfectMug · 20/12/2022 14:39

Valeriekat · 20/12/2022 14:19

Of course it is! Sharing food and cooking together is a joyful part of a relationship. I am not sure I could cope with him.

Show quote history

Not for everyone. I like cooking. My partner doesn’t but obviously does it because he has to. We don’t really care what each other eats. We sit and chat and laugh while eating, that part is nice but I’m not interested in what he’s eating while we do that.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 20/12/2022 14:53

Have to confess, outside of allergies and religious restrictions I have very little time for fussy eaters. I lived and worked in Provence for years, loved the Mediterranean diet, went on loads of cooking courses and love sitting at a table with friends enjoying a nice meal and wine. A little bit of me dies when I hear somebody state they 'dont like vegetables' or 'dont do seafood' and just make a mental note never to invite them round for dinner.

ReneBumsWombats · 20/12/2022 15:21

DP has always offered to cook his own meals

Let him.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/12/2022 15:32

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/12/2022 12:25

Maybe you should read back your posts then @WomanStanleyWoman2 because you seem extremely combative for someone who is ‘merely pointing something out’.

I only get ‘combative’ when people say stupid things.

toffeecrisps · 20/12/2022 16:01

DanseAvecLesLoups · 20/12/2022 14:53

Have to confess, outside of allergies and religious restrictions I have very little time for fussy eaters. I lived and worked in Provence for years, loved the Mediterranean diet, went on loads of cooking courses and love sitting at a table with friends enjoying a nice meal and wine. A little bit of me dies when I hear somebody state they 'dont like vegetables' or 'dont do seafood' and just make a mental note never to invite them round for dinner.

Why are religious restrictions fine but sensory issues not?

yadaya · 20/12/2022 16:11

DanseAvecLesLoups · 20/12/2022 14:53

Have to confess, outside of allergies and religious restrictions I have very little time for fussy eaters. I lived and worked in Provence for years, loved the Mediterranean diet, went on loads of cooking courses and love sitting at a table with friends enjoying a nice meal and wine. A little bit of me dies when I hear somebody state they 'dont like vegetables' or 'dont do seafood' and just make a mental note never to invite them round for dinner.

What about someone with an eating disorder such as ARFID?

I have no allergies and my diet isn't restricted because of religious reasons. Attempting to eat something not on my safe list is not a pretty picture so I won't attempt that in public.

yadaya · 20/12/2022 16:12

Of course it is! Sharing food and cooking together is a joyful part of a relationship. I am not sure I could cope with him.

My relationship is no less joyful because I have a restricted diet!

yadaya · 20/12/2022 16:14

whattodo1975 · 20/12/2022 10:37

Absolutely no woman ever wants to date a man who is a fussy eater.

And you feel you can speak for all women because.......

Dalekjastninerels · 20/12/2022 16:24

I would be called fussy by some; I like most foods aside from cold hard boiled eggs (slimy- revolting) and potato salad (cold potato- are you insane?) lamb (dislike the taste) and certain foods touching.

I will actually vomit if I eat food I dislike

I consider this to be my issue and would prepare an alternative for myself if I were your husband.

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 16:50

yadaya · 20/12/2022 16:14

And you feel you can speak for all women because.......

Show quote history

I mean it’s unlikely they’re wrong…

fussy eater is hardly a desirable characteristic that folk look for in a partner

yadaya · 20/12/2022 17:49

fussy eater is hardly a desirable characteristic that folk look for in a partner

Well, thankfully I found a partner who isn't so narrow minded.

I had friends like you, they treated me like a child due to my restricted eating. Even when I was diagnosed with ARFID (a recognised eating disorder) they still refused to acknowledge that it was largely out of my control.

I find it strange that people are unable or unwilling to be compassionate about this issue and inevitably these threads always go the same way, I wonder if you'd discount a partner because they had a phobia or spiders, height or water?

BeanieTeen · 20/12/2022 17:56

It sounds so mean but this would be a deal breaker for me. I’m sure it’s not his fault and he can’t help it, but he’d need to make an effort to get over this. I’d find a grown man with such babyish eating habits to be an absolute turn off.

Marths · 20/12/2022 18:20

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 16:50

I mean it’s unlikely they’re wrong…

fussy eater is hardly a desirable characteristic that folk look for in a partner

Show quote history

I'm a woman, and my partner (who has ASD) had similar eating habits and is very attractive to me. So yes when they said "no woman ever wants to" they were wrong.

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 18:31

yadaya · 20/12/2022 17:49

fussy eater is hardly a desirable characteristic that folk look for in a partner

Well, thankfully I found a partner who isn't so narrow minded.

I had friends like you, they treated me like a child due to my restricted eating. Even when I was diagnosed with ARFID (a recognised eating disorder) they still refused to acknowledge that it was largely out of my control.

I find it strange that people are unable or unwilling to be compassionate about this issue and inevitably these threads always go the same way, I wonder if you'd discount a partner because they had a phobia or spiders, height or water?

you’re clearly projecting

did your partner seek you out because they specifically wanted a partner with ARFID? I doubt it. They clearly love you regardless but I doubt it was a criteria they wanted and were actively looking for which is the point being made.

FWIW I’m coeliac and also have a restricted diet. I’m also self-aware enough to recognise that this isn’t something folk actively look for in a partner and that doesn’t make them lacking in compassion or any other personal slur you want to name-call Confused.

I’ve literally never met anyone seeking to date someone with a restricted diet. It’s odd that you think it’s a desirable trait! The pp didn’t say the OP should discount/get rid of their partner only that it’s not something people want

can you genuinely not see the difference between not wanting something and actively discounting it? Hmm

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 18:34

Marths · 20/12/2022 18:20

I'm a woman, and my partner (who has ASD) had similar eating habits and is very attractive to me. So yes when they said "no woman ever wants to" they were wrong.

Show quote history

And are they attractive to you specifically because they eat a restricted diet?

perhaps I’m wrong and there are restricted-diet fetishists out there?

but I suspect it’s more that you’re attracted to them because of their many positive non-dietary characteristics than because you want to date someone who eats a restricted diet

BowiesJumper · 20/12/2022 18:41

I had an ex like this, but he’s autistic. It drove me loopy. He would only eat meat, pasta, potatoes or onions. Very limited sauces. And sweets. It made going out to a restaurant realllllly difficult. It wasn’t the reason we split but didn’t help!

Marths · 20/12/2022 18:46

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 18:34

And are they attractive to you specifically because they eat a restricted diet?

perhaps I’m wrong and there are restricted-diet fetishists out there?

but I suspect it’s more that you’re attracted to them because of their many positive non-dietary characteristics than because you want to date someone who eats a restricted diet

Show quote history

The poster said that no woman would want to date a man who is a fussy eater. He is a fussy eater, and I want to date him. Therefore the poster is wrong, and quite ignorant too.

FurAndFeathers · 20/12/2022 18:52

Marths · 20/12/2022 18:46

The poster said that no woman would want to date a man who is a fussy eater. He is a fussy eater, and I want to date him. Therefore the poster is wrong, and quite ignorant too.

Show quote history

You want to date him (your partner)
you don’t want to date any/a man who’s a fussy eater

that was the point.
unless fussy eating is a specific characteristic you look for in a man?

Surreality22 · 20/12/2022 18:53

My stbx DH is a very fussy eater. He's on the spectrum. Wouldn't eat certain meats, no seafood, very few types of vegetables in tiny pieces. Funny enough he was a bit less fussy when eating out, he'd be a little more adventureous due to more options on a menu. I would try to cook for myself at least once a week but even so it drove me nuts, trying to work out which foods we could both eat and pull something together. And I felt like my diet was suffering. He'd cook burgers, or pasta. We'd have a takeaway once a week too. He did try bless him, but I'm so glad that I can please myself again now. He once told me he could just eat nothing but eggs and potatoes every day.

SwingandaPrayer · 20/12/2022 19:10

LimeCheesecake · 19/12/2022 20:07

So does he understand how unhealthy his diet is? He’s not a child now - so if he’s tried some veg and can cope with eating them, does he understand he needs to eat them even if they aren’t his preferred foods?

I am not sure long term it’s a good idea to set up life with a man child who doesn’t take responsibility for his health.

Absolutely this. No way would I want the father of my kids setting this example. Overly fussy eating is a massive turn off so this would be a total deal-breaker for me.

IndieK1d · 20/12/2022 19:30

SwingandaPrayer · 20/12/2022 19:10

Absolutely this. No way would I want the father of my kids setting this example. Overly fussy eating is a massive turn off so this would be a total deal-breaker for me.

Show quote history

It's not fussy eating though. I've got a restricted diet, partly due to (not allergy / intolerance; something else) not being able to have cows milk and partly because of similar issues mentioned in this thread. It's not a bloody choice. I'd rather not have to have such a restricted diet due to not being able to stand the texture of things.

Swipe left for the next trending thread