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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

195 replies

lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 10:13

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

OP posts:
upfucked · 19/12/2022 10:13

Tell her you already have plans.

GCAcademic · 19/12/2022 10:15

Well, telling her to "bog off" would be a bit harsh, yes!

HypaHypa · 19/12/2022 10:20

Your Christmas sounds like bliss. Agree, if your DC are at their dad's this is a perfect chance to unwind and be fresh for their return.
Tell your mum you've got plans and crack on.

flowertoday · 19/12/2022 10:21

I think you need to tell her you have plans for Christmas day, and perhaps arrange to meet up for a coffee before the 25th or a walk / coffee after.
You deserve to do what is right for you, and the day you have planned sounds perfect.

Original poster
lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 10:21

GCAcademic · 19/12/2022 10:15

Well, telling her to "bog off" would be a bit harsh, yes!

I'd rather be harsh than have her come into my house and criticise everything. Last year she had a meltdown on my drive way at 8pm over the fact we didnt put christmas decorations up, my neighbours weren't impressed.

She seems to think everyone should love Christmas. My partner is Jewish and doesnt even celebrate it. When she learned that all hell practically broke loose

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 19/12/2022 10:24

YANBU. You have the perfect day planned, don’t ruin it for yourself.

I was plotting my own lovely day this week, I’ve booked a day off work and was going to send DS to nursery as usual. But now he’s ill so I’m going to have to keep him off. So I’ll be living vicariously through you.

BMW6 · 19/12/2022 10:25

Tell her you're going away by yourself for a few days. Or just the truth - you are really looking forward to the day alone and you will not open the door to her or anyone else if they come to you.

Hbh17 · 19/12/2022 10:27

Just tell her no. If you are worried about her dropping by, tell her you're going away.
You will have a lovely day on 25th - it sounds fab! Just make sure you keep your door locked, and don't answer it if someone knocks - also screen your phone calls. Enjoy!

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 19/12/2022 10:27

Tell her you are helping out at a Jewish soup kitchen.. Keep your door locked and curtains shut..
Yanbu to have YOUR Christmas how YOU want it.
Good will to all men is all great and that but sometimes you need to be the man...

DifferenceEngines · 19/12/2022 10:28

On one hand, I totally understand why you don't want a person who signs very difficult ruining your day to yourself. On the other hand, I'd be pretty annoyed at being left on my own at Christmas because an immediate family member wanted to watch TV. I mean, it sounds like something she's earned, but I probably wouldn't tell her that that was what you were doing.

DifferenceEngines · 19/12/2022 10:29

Being left alone is something she's earned, I mean.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2022 10:30

I agree that you should tell her you have plans. It's the truth.

BumbleBee92 · 19/12/2022 10:31

Enjoy the day you want, you don’t know when you’ll get the opportunity again so make the most of it :)

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2022 10:31

Tell her your plans and that you won't be opening the door. Then you've prewarned her and can happily ignore her if she rocks up regardless.

GCAcademic · 19/12/2022 10:33

lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 10:21

I'd rather be harsh than have her come into my house and criticise everything. Last year she had a meltdown on my drive way at 8pm over the fact we didnt put christmas decorations up, my neighbours weren't impressed.

She seems to think everyone should love Christmas. My partner is Jewish and doesnt even celebrate it. When she learned that all hell practically broke loose

Show quote history

Fair enough.

In that case, why not tell her that her behaviour last year was a disgrace and you won't be giving her an opportunity to repeat it?

MedievalNun · 19/12/2022 10:33

Tell her you have plans- say you're celebrating Channukah instead (apologies if I've not spelled it correctly) & as kids are away you're planning insert anything she doesn't like so would rather meet up after.

Alternatively, just say 'sorry mum but no' or even just 'no'. Whether she thinks of you as an adult is immaterial - you are, and are allowed to do what you want in your own home.

My DM used to force us to go to theirs on Boxing Day. The first time I said no, DF ranted at me for days. It's taken a lot few years but they now accept it.

Good luck xx

Original poster
lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 10:33

DifferenceEngines · 19/12/2022 10:28

On one hand, I totally understand why you don't want a person who signs very difficult ruining your day to yourself. On the other hand, I'd be pretty annoyed at being left on my own at Christmas because an immediate family member wanted to watch TV. I mean, it sounds like something she's earned, but I probably wouldn't tell her that that was what you were doing.

I'm not fancying spending my day off with a Woman who walks in and within five minutes picks out three things that are wrong with my house. I dont have the mental capacity for it, she has my brothers who are closer to her than I am (I'm roughly two hours drive from her) But she won't go and see my brothers. One is married to a lovely man he met at twenty one and my other brother is single and childless by choice

I'm low contact with my Mum for a reason: She's overbearing and can't seem to grasp that her children are now all adults

OP posts:
80sMum · 19/12/2022 10:35

Tell your mother that you have other plans for Christmas this year and you will see her the following week or something (assuming you want to). You're not obliged to have her come and spoil your plans for a relaxing day.

melj1213 · 19/12/2022 10:39

DifferenceEngines · 19/12/2022 10:28

On one hand, I totally understand why you don't want a person who signs very difficult ruining your day to yourself. On the other hand, I'd be pretty annoyed at being left on my own at Christmas because an immediate family member wanted to watch TV. I mean, it sounds like something she's earned, but I probably wouldn't tell her that that was what you were doing.

But why does your want for company trump the other person's want for some time to themselves and why do you feel like you have the right to be annoyed that someone dares do what they want for themselves instead of prioritising you?

If she's on her own it's because she has no other invite for Christmas, or has not invited anyone to her, that does not mean the OP is obliged to "entertain" her when she just wants a day of peace and quiet to herself.

OP YANBU - if you want to see your mum at some point on the day then just tell her "I have plans from 12pm but you're welcome to come over before that for an hour or so" etc ... You don't have to tell her that your plans after 12pm involve lying on the sofa with wine and snacks and binging crap TV, and if she is the kind that doesn't leave when told to, then at 11:30 you start "getting ready to go out", see her out, go for a walk round the block and then go home to your nice empty house for your plans

Willmafrockfit · 19/12/2022 10:43

it is a bit late for plans though
goodness
why didnt she get herself organised before?

sallywinter · 19/12/2022 10:44

You do have plans. You're planning to spend some much needed and valued time doing things that are important to you.

She should respect that, and if she won't (sounds like she won't) then that's hers to figure out. The sooner she allows you to have some autonomy in knowing what's best for you, the better chance she has in finding something else to do on the day - lots of areas host lunches etc.

Lostinasupermarket · 19/12/2022 10:57

It’s a hard situation - and no easy or even right answer but my god your planned day sounds absolute heaven.

MsRosley · 19/12/2022 10:58

Stick to your guns, OP. Just say no. Throw in some excuse if you like, but it doesn't sound like you owe your mother your time and energy if she treats you like this.

W0tnow · 19/12/2022 10:58

Could you say you’ve been asked to work?

Willmafrockfit · 19/12/2022 11:00

you coudl always pop in and see her and then leave