Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

Enjoy your Christmas day, don't be guilted into having your Mum over as she will not only spoil the day itself but also all the days leading up to it.

Would she be able to make other plans easily? I wouldn't dream of leaving my Mum on her own on Christmas day, but we are close and she's the most lovely person in the world. It's so important to cherish your loved ones as it sadly isn't forever, what I would do to have another Christmas day with my Dad who passed last year! I guess though if it's not the best relationship and she is insufferable then of course make an excuse, not all families are the same. Xx

@lolliesarentbreakfast you don’t have to appreciate your mother just to appease MN. Mine was also a difficult and bitter woman, I think my DSis bore the brunt of it. Out of duty we always did right by her but sometimes you need to something for yourself. This is your time. Have your Christmas Day your way and don’t let it involve your mother.

@OP - what have you decided to do after all?

Not unreasonable to want to spend it alone. If that is what you want. I spend Christmas alone but not from choice. However, the only thing to think about is giving a "small" appearance. Being a mom that spends it alone (not from choice), it might make her day, as I know personally it would make mine. After all, if you mom is older one never knows when it will be her last.

Yeah my Mother isnt stepping through my door. She's vile, homophobic and Narcisisstic. I've got a day planned with my brother because my DC's are away and my partner is working

^^
This

I’m somewhat spending Christmas alone this year - both DP and I are working (NHS) so we’ll spend a bit of time together but essentially have opposite schedules.

I could visit family, but for similar reasons for you I would find it a lot to handle for one day and overwhelming! I’m genuinely looking forward to relaxing alone and having lovely food without it having to be a spectacle. I’m v tired from work. And am also seeing family on my days off next week so one day away from them won’t hurt!

Also OP, maybe you could go to your mother’s for Christmas instead of her visiting you? I’m thinking she won’t get to critique you, your house or your cooking etc. And you won’t have to wait around for her to leave. You can pop in, exchange cards, have a drink and maybe a little bit of food but ultimately it’s your choice how long you stay. You could just make a passing visit x

OP stick to your plans I did this with my 40th refused to have a family party so she retaliates by buying me the cheapest ugliest cross and earrings set for about £12 from two people. Got my own back by getting her crap earrings. No you carry on have a happy Christmas without her criticism etc.

Good for you OP👍

OP hope you have a restful and peaceful time. Enjoy your day.

People can't treat you like shite 364/5 days of the year then bleet "oh but it's Christmas" and expect you to feel honoured to cater for them.

Well, what did you do? I hope you did Christmas your way, and had a fab day!

Is your mother on her own and lonely? Perhaps you could at least visit her? Older people on their own feel abandoned at Christmas and it's only one day. She's your mother. Think how you will feel in twenty years time if you are on your own and your children want to spend time elsewhere and not see you. Well, maybe you will be happy and binge watch a box set and eat fast food. But maybe your mum's not so happy. She would like to have Christmas and she is divorced and has no arrangements. Have Christmas. Get some stuff in, invite her over to binge watch your programme, eat, drink and be merry. I dislike being told to 'be kind' so I think I'll put it this way, duty is a pain in the neck but it pays off later. Also, next year sort your mother out a Christmas - hotel or something - so she is not in your hair. Give it as a Christmas present.

Why is he going if you are not invited? Pretty poor of him (and them). And Christmas is fun. Well, perhaps you could read A Christmas Carol? Or watch - it'll be on TV.

@Grammarnut

DH spent the day with me, we popped by his parents for a short while. It was about as much as mil (severe dementia) can cope with & a nice relaxed day all round. When you're ND, life is easier adjusted to suit but it's also kinder for relatives with health issues.

Not sure if that was a dig about A Christmas Carol but whatever. 👍😊

I'm not the OP but I had the displeasure of spending Christmas with my mother who is also "older" and "on her own". I cried for 2 days afterwards. There is no reward for "duty".

People are a better judge of their relationships than strangers are.

You dislike being told to be kind but that's exactly what you did.

@Grammarnut, you do understand that Christmas is over now? This thread is weeks old and the dilemmas discussed are all now in the past.

Agree 100%. This comment “ but it’s your Mum” drives me mad. Do your own thing.