Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

Enjoy your day and the plans you have which sound lovely.

You could also come down with an ‘illness’ that means you can’t have visitors in the next 24 hours. 😉

Tell her you have covid!

Just tell her straight, op. you're entitled to your Christmas day how you like. If she were a good mother, I'd have a different opinion but why on earth have someone round who is going to criticise you and ruin your day?

Sounds like my kind of Christmas!!!

as some have already said ‘bog off’ is too harsh but saying you already have plans is perfectly fine!!!

enjoy your day! 💐

Spending Christmas Day on your own once in a while is absolute bliss. Just tell you’re mum the truth, you really want the day to yourself ask her round on boxing day or something. Have no guilt and just enjoy.

Tell her you are volunteering in a Soup Kitchen all day.
No need t to mention that this involves opening a tin of Heinz cream of tomato in your own kitchen

AIBU in telling her to bog off?
Your mum? Yes.

😂😂😂

To avoid conflict, I'd lie and say I'm going to a friend's for a few days.
Lock the doors, close the curtains & make sure no lights are visible from the road if you think she'll turn up to check if you're there.
Then enjoy the Christmas that you want x

I can tell via your post that you’re going to contract Covid late evening on the 23rd. You’re too weak to phone so you’re husband will phone your mum and ask her to pass it on to everyone else. As a nurse I would strongly, ney ,very strongly advise staying away from other people and if you can bear it, drag your duvet downstairs, ensure essentials are close at hand ie. fully charged phone, remote control with extra batteries, alcohol, food and snacks that can be easily shoved out of sight on the odd chance someone peeps thro’ your window. Prepare the rest of the environment :get husband to lock you in and strew the driveway with gravel to alert you to footsteps ( you have keys of course) and practice sleeping/coughing; leave damp tissue papers around anywhere that may be seen by prying eyes, remove all traces of makeup then reapply dark eyeshadow under the eyes , finally HAVE AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS 🌲

Tell her you're not celebrating this year, but she's free to come over and celebrate Hanukkah. I'm sure she'd really get into that idea.

You know what to do already. Enjoy your day.

Wonderful.opportunity for you to have some 'me' time. I would not cave in.

Wait till nearer the day, phone her with a fake scratchy voice and a cough, tell her you've tested + for covid. Or use the D&V excuse...

Stop being so bloody miserable. She is your mother, you sound dreadful

I bet your kids don't like you either.

“After the yard tantrum you threw last year, holidays are no longer an option. Another time, so any fit throwing doesn’t ruin both mine and the neighbour’s Christmas.”

The OP says she isn't a decent parent. Why wouldn't you take her word for it?

Why fake illness?

In my experience, narcissistic, rude and demanding parents always love Xmas but are incapable of enjoying it and go out of their way to make everyone miserable.

You didn't enjoy Xmas as a child because of her. Don't let her spoil anymore for you.

A hard 'no' should do it.

some mothers are intolerable. Why should she spend the day with someone whose clearly very critical of her.

Don’t be so judgmental

you enjoy your day OP.

YANBU to want Christmas your way.

YABU to tell her to bog off. Don't stoop to her level.

You want to be considered an adult? That means and you have to act like one. It took me 30 years of feeling pathetic, guilty, ashamed, lazy, selfish and all the other things my narcissist mother piled on me since birth to realise this. BE THE ADULT YOU ARE.

Tell her, I whatever way is most comfortable FOR YOU that coming over Christmas Day isn't an option this year. No need to explain, justify, massage her ego, make her feel OK - not your job.

"I know you want to come over but this year you'll need to make other plans. I am going to be blissfully avoiding Christmas Day. A lie in, not cooking, not looking after children, not managing the Christmas mayhem. I'm going to be in front of the TV catching up on everything I've wanted to watch all year with a bacon sarnie, oblivious to the Christmas Shenanigans.

The children will be back on x. If you want to come over late evening and spend some time with the the next day before heading back home., let me know. If not, we'll see you in the new year"

I have to manage this every year. We take it in turns to host (3 siblings). When it's my turn, we get an Airbnb nearby. I will not have her in my house. This year we agreed we needed a break so we each contacted her (I texted) months in advance to say that this year we had different plans for Christmas so to sort herself out. I will miss being with my siblings but they don't have the courage to do a Christmas together without her. We would never ever be allowed to forget it. Ever.

Sadly, one of my siblings caved just a few weeks ago and our mum will be with them. I felt guilty for a millisecond and then realised - they made that choice.

What I realised, 20 years too late, is that this type of person (makes no difference that they're your parent really) will never change and will make you feel sh#t whatever you do, so you may as well do what makes you happy. The consequences are the same...

Good luck

That's all you took from OP's posts? Really?

YANBU… tell her you have plans!
Your day sounds blissful, enjoy some precious alone time guilt free.
Merry Christmas.

No need to blatantly lie. Saying she/he's got plans is the truth. I take it you'll speak by phone? Then just say no I've got plans this year and end the conversation.
🙂