Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

You don’t need to give her a reason. Just say no. And don’t answer the door on the day.

YANBU. In your situation, I wouldn't tell her my plans, just that I am not available that day, but I think your idea of having her over for cake from a couple of hours on Boxing day might be a good compromise.

I really hate when people trope out this bullshit. Just because someone has been able to bear children doesn’t make them a decent parent.

OP protect your time. Your day sounds heavenly

Ohh no. Do it before Christmas Day otherwise you'll be thinking about it and not enjoying yourself

Sounds like my dream Christmas I’ve only achieved once before. Do not, for the love of llamas change your plans for this difficult woman.

PP are saying she should have a chance to rectify her difficult behaviour by your having a chat and letting her know her behaviour is out of line, but a lifetime of a difficult relationship is not going to change in the days left before (your magical Christmas we all wish we were having), so if you can be arsed, don’t bother till next year to try and make her more self aware.

Both my mother in law and my mother are grade pains in the arse, and nothing I’ve done other than give them a wide berth after giving up, made a blind bit of difference.

Keep to your plans, OP. They sound lovely and very well deserved, and your mum sounds like a bigoted homophobe who's reaping exactly what she's sown. If you actually want to see her, then a pop in on boxing day sounds great, but if she's shitty to your husband of a different religion, to your gay brother and kicks off in your home, then I don't know if I'd even bother throwing her that bone. Fair play if you do, and I hope you have a peaceful, relaxing Christmas day! (What's the show, by the way?!!)

Do what you’ve planned and don’t feel guilty. Your kids will be safe and happy, enjoy your day exactly how you please. Don’t see your mum, she really doesn’t deserve your consideration.

Tell her you’ve been invited somewhere ( as long as she doesn’t live close enough to just pop up on the doorstep) I did this one Christmas, stayed in bed, ate pizza and oven chips. It was bliss. Or just say you have plans you’ll see her for coffee/lunch/ tea on Boxing Day, NY Eve, or whenever suits you.

Blimey I leave my laptop to do some final bits of wrapping for DC and I'm being told I should appreciate my Narcisissistic Mother - I'll pass. But thanks for that

Tell her you have plans and will not be home. Job done.

you never know when something might happen to your mother either.
You also need to remember if your kids do this to you one day as well would that sit ok with you?

Not your circus not your monkeys OP. You don't have to justify your plans. Tell her she can't come over and just repeat "that won't be possible, I'm not seeing anyone. Because I don't want to. Yes I'm fine. No I'm not seeing anyone, not family, not anyone. Bye"

The important thing if she kicks off it to just keep saying the same thing on repeat and not get drawn into any kind of discussion. Just a stone wall.

(While repeating to yourself "I am spending the day working on my boundaries" 😄)

who says she isnt a decent parent, and whats a decent parent?

yes people do have to think that while people might annoy you in life there may come and time where you wish they were still alive and you could see them again. Life is short. Its not bullshit.
Also if your a parent you might wish to see you adult children at Xmas. Will it be ok if they tell you to bog off. Many ways to look at it. Best if Op just makes her own decision.

No. I agree with you. Any lying just kicks the can down the road. The suggestion of saying that she's visiting friends isn't a "white" lie either. If the OP wants her own time I think she needs either to state she doesn't want visitors without explaining or apologising or tell her mother why her previous behaviour was unacceptable.

OP has good reasons for being low contact with her mother, and wants one day where she can indulge herself without prioritising someone else's needs over her own. One day. It doesn't sound so very terrible to me, especially when her mother's idea of a merry Christmas is to come round and find fault all over the shop.

A "decent" parent doesn't behave the way OP's mother has, being bigoted and homophobic, and only ever being critical.

Maybe if people don't treat their children like shit, then their children will be happy to see them at Christmas when they are adult?

You seem to be forgetting the old adage of reaping what you sow. OP wanting to tell her mother to bog off is purely and simply down to the fact that her mother is an over-bearing, controlling bitch (same reason why she is low contact). There are many people on MN who have gone completely NC with parents, and never ever wish to see them again. I feel you may be projecting a little here?

The fact OP is low contact says it all. Absolutely hate the ‘one mum’ ‘no one should be alone’ crowd. Some people really are arseholes and no one should be telling the OP she has to comprise her boundaries because it’s her mum 🙄

Just tell her no you have plans. Suggest she goes to your brothers and next time doesn't leave it so late in the day!

You do whatever makes you happy OP.
I need to know what exactly was in the purposely made sandwich 🥪

You replies don't suggest you think YABU at all so I'm not sure why you needed to make the thread. If you don't like her don't invite her.

Why is it so difficult for some posters on here to understand that others, for whatever reason don't get on with their parents?

For years I put up with my mother's bitterness and two faced behaviour because I didn't agree with her on some family issues that quite frankly if anyone else had done she'd be calling for national punishments return.
I took charge of my life and stopped seeing her.
Admittedly she wasn't happy but there you go she was left with the very people she's two faced about.
She made that choice.

This is what I would do.

Suggest to her that she should visit your brothers, her son(s), as you have already made plans that cannot be adjusted at this late stage of the day.

You don't have to be around her if you don't want to be around her. Going forwards, if you do decide to meet up with her at any point, you could meet her in a neutral location, a coffee shop or the park or somewhere and that would also give you the green light to leave if you wanted to.

Don't you dare give up the perfect day for your mother to steam roll her way in and be a cow!

She doesn't have to spend Christmas day alone - she could spend it with one of your brothers. If they won't have her either, it's for a reason then isn't it.

OP's kids are unlikely to do this to her because she's a good parent who isn't a narcissist. My aim as a parent is to be someone who is always a comforting and positive figure in my kids' lives. If there ever comes a time where they dread seeing me I'd actually rather I stayed away then caused them stress and anguish.

I'm usually really big on making a give effort to get people together at Christmas. However, this situation really is of her own making, isn't it? Enjoy your day without a shred of guilt!