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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

195 replies

lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 10:13

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/12/2022 21:08

girlfriend44 · 19/12/2022 14:34

who says she isnt a decent parent, and whats a decent parent?

yes people do have to think that while people might annoy you in life there may come and time where you wish they were still alive and you could see them again. Life is short. Its not bullshit.
Also if your a parent you might wish to see you adult children at Xmas. Will it be ok if they tell you to bog off. Many ways to look at it. Best if Op just makes her own decision.

Show quote history

Life is too short to put up with shit toxic parents as well. Nobody asks to be born, they owe fuck all. You reap what you sow with your kids.

Notthetoothfairy · 19/12/2022 21:30

Did you forget, you have plans with your partner and his family that day?

Notaderrysgirl · 19/12/2022 21:45

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm comes to mind.

Yanbu - it might be quite liberating to tell her to bog off!

I hope you have a lovely xmas day OP

Stationsofthecross · 19/12/2022 22:15

You don’t like her so just tell her no!

Calminacrisis · 20/12/2022 17:53

I hope you have a fabulous day on your own, it sounds blissful. My brother once told everyone on our side of the family he was going to his partner’s parents for Christmas and instead holed up in his lovely flat with his own choice of food and drink for a wonderfully undisturbed four days over Christmas.
When we (his siblings) found out, we were just jealous he thought of it first and avoided the toxic presence of our father. Not all parents are nice people, you don’t owe your Mum anything!

ilovechocolate07 · 20/12/2022 17:55

If you don't chat often then a sorry I can't make it should be enough. I hope you have a wonderful time doing things for you!

pollymere · 20/12/2022 18:08

I had a great aunt who spent every year assuring people she didn't want to be invited for Christmas. She used to have beans on toast and really enjoy herself.

Explain to your Mum that you've made plans so it won't be possible for her to come. You could infer you've been invited somewhere if needs be. Just be firm and polite - sorry but you won't be able to come around on Christmas Day.

Original poster
lolliesarentbreakfast · 20/12/2022 18:12

Willmafrockfit · 19/12/2022 11:00

you coudl always pop in and see her and then leave

I live two hours away, Im not driving four hours away on Christmas Day

OP posts:
Mediocrates · 20/12/2022 18:20

I cannot be doing with this “but she’s your mum, how would you feel if your children did this to you?” pish

Unless the OP is mirroring her mother’s parenting then those two things are not comparable. I’ve been NC with my mother since I was 18 years old. I’m still having therapy at 42 as a result of the neglect and abuse I experienced. I wouldn’t spend Christmas with her if it was her last day on Earth.

Theydoyaknow · 20/12/2022 18:36

Tell her to do one and e4njoy your blissful day, life is too short for anything less.

Buffs · 20/12/2022 18:45

You have a lovely Christmas planned just the way you want it, enjoy it!

Silvers11 · 20/12/2022 18:48

FictionalCharacter · 19/12/2022 12:04

Please don’t do this! The old guilt tripping “be thankful you still have her, she’ll be gone one day”…. Lots of us have deceased parents who were absolutely foul to us when they were alive. My mum died, I grieved in a way, I don’t miss her behaviour. I absolutely don’t wish I’d spent more time with her, enduring her pass-agg comments, whining, attention seeking and emotional blackmail.
This woman has other relatives she could visit but won’t. It isn’t the OP’s responsibility to host her.

Show quote history

Completely agree with you @FictionalCharacter Even down to how I feel about my Very Very elderly narcissistic Mother who died earlier this year. I did my 'duty' and helped to look after her before she died. I shed a few tears after she died - more for the fact about the loving relationship I never had than for her passing I'm afraid. But my biggest feeling is absolute relief that she is no longer here to criticise, use emotional blackmail and to have to deal with her demanding to be the centre of attention at all times. I am soooo looking forward to spending Christmas the way I want to spend it this year without her spoiling it. First time for years and years.

Diva66 · 20/12/2022 18:48

Have a lovely peaceful Christmas @lolliesarentbreakfast

Always4Brenner · 20/12/2022 18:50

Tell her you’ve plans your pans sound great anyway. These toxic mothers expect Christmas to be around them er no it’s what makes you happy.

nannykatherine · 20/12/2022 18:59

Tell her to bog off

Blueblell · 20/12/2022 19:01

Tell her she should go to your brothers this year -either tell her what you are actually doing - ie not doing Christmas this year (sounds great to me by the way!) or lie and say you have flu or covid

AdopterMum · 20/12/2022 19:05

GreenManalishi · 19/12/2022 11:27

You're absolutely right that inviting someone you're very low contact with on purpose for the rest of the year because you find their behaviour intolerable, to spend Christmas day one on one with in your house is a bad idea!

Draw your boundaries, say you have plans, and stick to them. You'll be so glad you did!

You took the words right out of my mouth! :)

AdopterMum · 20/12/2022 19:09

lolliesarentbreakfast · 19/12/2022 14:23

Blimey I leave my laptop to do some final bits of wrapping for DC and I'm being told I should appreciate my Narcisissistic Mother - I'll pass. But thanks for that

That says it all - you know what to do, with no guilt or second thoughts. “Me time” can be so rare, enjoy it and relish it and do everything you are looking forward to, solo :) xx

stayathomer · 20/12/2022 19:11

Personally, and I know this is just me- but I’d have her over if it’s a big thing for her and find another day another time to do my nice day in. Just because you said she loves Christmas. This is just me and I know people will say why should you not have your dream day, but I just think you aren’t bothered about Christmas and the season is about family

Stressybetty · 20/12/2022 19:17

Nah, you have your day to yourself. Lock the door and veg out. MIL is going to BIL's for few days so me and DH have Christmas to ourselves. Having Christmas dinner before she goes and we are having steak and chips and chilling out on the day.

angela99999 · 20/12/2022 19:39

upfucked · 19/12/2022 10:13

Tell her you already have plans.

Yes, this.

I had flu a couple of years ago and spent Christmas on my own whilst everyone else stayed elsewhere. It was heavenly!
It also gave me chance to change the way we do Christmas now as we were stuck in a rut with our adult children.

redressgirl · 20/12/2022 19:44

definitely say no your busy

CrapBucket · 20/12/2022 19:45

Tell a Christmas white lie, because its easier than explaining reality to someone who is incapable of grasping it. You are going volunteering and it's just as well as your boiler has broken. Doubling up on reasons for her not to come over and surprise you.

billy1966 · 20/12/2022 19:51

OP, I've just read your posts as I have no interest in reading the inevitable be kind to someone even if they have only ever been a source of annoyance and grief in your life.

Absolutely do not have her over.

You don't like her and you don't want to spend the day with her.

Enjoy your peaceful day on your own.

It sounds lovely.

Missingpop · 20/12/2022 20:08

I’m with you on this; I can’t stand the sight of my mother; won’t go into details but she’s a lying bitch who threw away any hope of building bridges with me.
Just tell her “sorry but we’ve already got plans for Christmas & we can’t change them” don’t explain what they are or be drawn into negotiations with her it’s a no & end of then put a temporary block on her number just until the 28th & on Christmas Day speak to the Dc early then enjoy your day * I do have to add I roared with laughter at your part get up & have a bacon butty!! Partners Jewish I take it he’s not orthodox 😂😂😂😂

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