Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

Just say that you have plans and to come and celebrate together when the dc are back.

Ooh I'm jealous. I loved to do that pre kids.
Have a 0900 Baileys for me 😀

It was meant to be my year to have DC's but Ex-husband asked if he could take them instead - I had no issues with it either. Ex is picking them up on Saturday night. I may be a bit overly happy about it. I'm sad to see them go, dont get me wrong I LOVE my kids but honestly I'm so excited to have some quiet time to me

My Mum drives me barmy and always has done. But I may just invite her over on boxing day for a coffee and a bit of cake. Just to soothe things over

Would visiting her on the 23rd or 24th stave off the likelihood of her showing up on your doorstep on the 25th? I mean you shouldn’t have to, but if it helps achieve the goal of the day you want? Otherwise, just tell her you’re busy, keep the curtains closed and the door locked. Actions have consequences 🤷‍♀️ and it sounds like she’s earned your decision to go LC.

What will your Mum do if she doesnt come to you? Will she be alone?
I'd compromise and go and visit her for a couple of hours. Regardless of how close you are shes still your Mum and wont always be here.

I've told people I'm not doing Christmas. DH then got an invite to his parents, just him. 😁

I admit I'm feeling bad about not hosting but no-one has offered back in years.

I get overwhelmed, your day sounds lovely!

Your Christmas is yours, tell her to swivel.

nursery is open on christmas day?

In the kindest way possible, why are you even asking the question? Like you have said (and it is was supposed obvious in your OP), you’re low contact with her for a reason so why are you considering ruining your Christmas for her? Do you care so much what she thinks?

Tell her you have plans and invite her a for simple Boxing Day tea.

Invite her for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, making it clear it’s just for the day/morning etc. Then say you and your partner are going out on Christmas Day itself.

Does she know you find her critical and overbearing? My DM can be very difficult indeed, but down the years I’ve told her I won’t tolerate her behaviour and will challenge her rudeness. Does your DM know you think she’s out of line? If she’s oblivious it might be fairer to tell her and give her the chance to try and improve.

A 2 hr drive there and a 2 hr drive back for a quick visit? I don't think so. I would have no compunction in saying that you won't be at home on Christmas Day. If she is convinced of this, hopefully she won't drive over and stand there banging on the door while you lie on the floor under the window hoping your neighbours don't come out and say 'Well, I saw her this morning ...' This would be my fear in your circumstances, as your mother is clearly no respecter of boundaries.

'Not at home' will be true in the old-fashioned sense, as seen on Downton Abbey etc, where the butler or maid screens all visitors by going to check if the master/mistress 'is at home', i.e. do they want to see this unexpected visitor, and if the answer is 'no' the servant earns their meagre wage by telling a social lie. Most of us don't have staff these days so have to step up and do the lying ourselves, if we don't want the huge row that would ensue from telling the truth.

Have a lovely day, OP, it sounds like bliss!

YANBU at all. Will it be easy to put her off? Do you need an excuse?
Do t go round on Boxing Day either. Enjoy your days, sounds idyllic to me

I would offer alternative plans like pop over for a drink on Christmas eve or boxing day. Have a lovely Christmas to yourself.

Tell you have plans and enjoy your plans. When she pushes just repeat- sorry, I have plans.

Sorry, OP, I didn't check out all your posts before I replied. I've now read them, and am full of admiration for your journey. Remember, there's never just one toxic parent in these marriages. The more passive parent has their own narcissistic behaviours and thinking - if they didn't, they wouldn't be in the situation in the first place - but it tends to be obscured by the 'worst' behaviour of the other.

Sounds like one of your brothers could take her? If she has another viable option, then it's nothing to do with you if she ends up on her own alone on Christmas Day (and doesn't want to be alone).

Does she know your partner is working? Appreciate he doesn't do Christmas, but could you perhaps have alternative "plans" for the 25th? In my experience, people don't leave you alone until/unless you tell them you won't be on your own otherwise.

I totally get you. I don’t understand the fuss about Christmas and why it all has to be done on the one day. I agree with the the other posters, don’t let her come and ruin your day. The phrase set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm comes to mind.

I would suggest you reframe this problem with your mum.

See it as implementing long overdue boundaries between you and your mother. It’s the start of a new stronger you, who knows her own worth (you deserve to have the Christmas you want).

For various reasons I will be spending Xmas solo, but to me it’s just another day. No big deal to spend it on my own.

YANBU. I would make something up about working/going away for Christmas just so that she doesn't decide to 'surprise' you. You know, because she knows best and she doesn't want you being lonely....

I have a similar mother. I'd rather chop my own arm off than let her intrude on what sounds an amazing personal day. Enjoy your Christmas! Just be super firm with her to the point it stings her a little "No thank you, I'm looking forward to a day of rest without any one else to look at or talk to. Ive been very tired this winter and grateful to have the house to myself. "

If she's anything like my mother, she will think that being with you is like having "no one else there" because she's your mother and therefore no bother. You need to make it clear that you mean you want to be ALONE.

Sounds lovely OP, I hope you have a pleasant day recharging

What tv show is it you're thinking of watching?

Tell her you aren't going to be home as you're going to a friends house. Keep the front room curtains drawn and don't answer the door if she turns up 😂

This irritates me a bit. Just because someone is a close blood relative doesn't mean you have to tolerate their bad behavior & put up with it.

And to be blunt, though it doesn't seem to be the case with the OP I've seen similar "but it's your MUM" comments made to posters who have been so badly treated by their parents that they will be happy if they never saw them again.

The OP is low contact for good reason, so as other pp have said why should she ruin her lovely day to indulge someone with their desire to be bitchy?

Spend it as you have planned..Tell your mum you will see her Boxing Day

Tell her you have plans already but not what they are. If she pushes be vague. Definitely do not tell her you'll be in the house all day! If she shows up on the off chance anyway, ignore the doorbell