Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

Please don’t do this! The old guilt tripping “be thankful you still have her, she’ll be gone one day”…. Lots of us have deceased parents who were absolutely foul to us when they were alive. My mum died, I grieved in a way, I don’t miss her behaviour. I absolutely don’t wish I’d spent more time with her, enduring her pass-agg comments, whining, attention seeking and emotional blackmail.
This woman has other relatives she could visit but won’t. It isn’t the OP’s responsibility to host her.

guilt tripping?

it is christmas
peace and goodwill

i do hope your own dc dont avoid you at christmas in the future

in this case it is totally ridiculous to be talking so late in the day. op has already made plans

Are you arguing with yourself? Are you ok?

no i am arguing with @FictionalCharacter who mentioned guilt tripping @girlmom21

Oh gosh, don’t feel guilty - you’re not obliged to have her over, just because she’s your mum. Lots of on here can’t seem to understand that many of us don’t have the same relationship with our mums as they seem to. I would make sure she knows you’re otherwise busy or she may turn up and ruin everything! Have a lovely day

Say no in whatever terms are necessary. "Bog off" sounds a bit strong but may be merited.

I think when a lot of posters see the word mum, they picture their own mum, who’s probably really sweet. Not all mums are sadly. Some mums, people have spent a lifetime trying to get over their damage.

@randomusername666

This is a different poster to the OP and she clearly says that she is planning a lovely day this week.

Nothing to do with Christmas Day.

Visit Boxing Day or the 27th, if you visit you can make it as short as reasonably possible.

I would not meet up with her before Christmas otherwise she will keep asking what are you doing etc etc

So meet up with her on 26th or 27th or whichever day fits in with your plans and your children's return

YANBU. (My Christmas Day will be much like yours, and I can't wait).

If she wants to celebrate Christmas then she needs to make plans with people who feel the same way, not with those who don't.

Is she likely to turn up aunannounced after a two hour drive?

If you hardly ever talk to her how does she know you will be on your own? I would just say that you have other plans and won't be in.

This reminds me of the time I had a minor procedure on a Friday and had planned a lovely restful weekend lying on the sofa and doing very little (I had been really busy for a long time so a weekend of enforced idleness sounded blissful). As I was coming home from the clinic my mother rang to say that she was on a train to look after me - she lives several hours away. I was really cross because the house was a mess and instead of the self indulgent tv time I had a visitor. I had to hobble around tidying when I got home instead of snoozing. We get on really well, and under most circumstances it would have been great, but I just didn't want company that weekend.

OP you deserve the day off. I agree with everyone else who has said to tell her you have plans, but don't specify what they are.

Exactly this!

I'm I the only one taht would tell my mum exactly the real reason why I don't want her coming round and if she still wants to then there are conditions to her visit?

“Sorry I’ve made plans Christmas Day but you can come for a coffee Boxing Day afternoon” is an ideal solution, well done OP.

*goes off to daydream about a lovely day like OP’s Christmas Day…

why do you feel the need to say or do anything with her?

why do you need to smooth things over??

if she asks .. you can just say you've got plans/ busy ...you don't need to justify what and why.......

if she doesn't ask dont volunteer...

sounds like Low contact is a good idea ...and uour day dounds fab and worth protecting!

Are you asking permission to not see her and do your own thing. Well I think you've got it. Do what you need to do - see her on Christmas eve or boxing day for a mince pie but tell her you have plans for the actual day. Then leave it at that. Don't let her pester you and make you feel guilty. It doesn't work for you and that's it.

Tell her sorry but xyz, but come over on boxing day/when kids are back for presents and mince pies!

contract "covid", about Wednesday, or Friday. I completely get why you'd want to just relax and have you time. Your mother is not your problem.

@lolliesarentbreakfast Keep the door locked and don't answer your phone.
Pretend you're not there.😉

Serious suggestion - if you find it hard to bluntly reject her, tell her you’ve got covid. No one can argue with that. Then spend some time thinking about to deal with your mum in the future.

You beat me to it! I have just written exactly the same suggestion 😊

All very good points but not always easy to deal with someone who has been overbearing for years.

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt a "purposefully made" sarnie made me smile - I bet it was awesome.

OP - stick to your guns. Some people who go all out for Christmas don't always understand that there are others who relish quiet downtime, who care less about it being Christmas Day and are instead more interested in the fact they get some blissful solo time.

Guilt can be like a muscle - learn to use it. Tell your Mum you aren't available on Christmas Day and you'll see her on Boxing Day. If you feel guilty, then it's a small price to pay for having the day that you want. The alternative is that you cave to your Mum's demands and feel bitterly resentful of being robbed of your quiet time. You Mum doesn't have to be on her own - if she chooses to be a martyr and not go to either of your brothers, then that's her decision.

Don't be drawn into explaining. Just tell her you aren't available and that's the end of discussion.

How about a white lie - my friends knew I was going to be alone so they invited me over, won't take no for an answer.