Mum and Christmas - What do I tell her?

[lolliesarentbreakfast]

This year is the first year I've been alone at Christmas in maybe four years. My partner is working and the DC's are with their Dad (last year was difficult because of covid and the year before my youngest DC broke his collarbone) They're going to see their baby sibling. And Im SO looking forwards to it, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a lie in then a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. I'm honestly awaiting the 25th, I'm going to binge watch a show I've had my eye on forever, see how much I can watch in a day and a half.

My only issue is my Mum, who I'm very low contact with, wants to come over. Christmas has always been a big thing for her. I dont like it, I never liked it as a child either, too much in one day always burned me out. I'd happily have my Dad and Step-Mum over but they're going to her sister's house to see some Family on Step-Mum's side. I just know my Mum's going to be over bearing and try and control things. I dont want that, I want a nice quiet day where I can eat crap foods and drink too much pop or wine then fall asleep at 5 pm from a food coma.

Before anyone asks: No. I wont be lonely, Christmas is just like any other day for me. And yes my Mum is like this all the time. I've lived alone since I was eighteen but she refuses to see me as an adult - Part of the reason I went low contact.

AIBU in telling her to bog off?

Oh and so I'm not seen as a total grinch: happy holidays my loves. I hope whatever you get up to is filled with love and laughter

Tell her you have plans. Or you're converting to Judaism with your partner. Or you'll be going to ex's with the children...

Just don't lose your peaceful happy time for someone so negative. Merry Christmas OP, your day sounds lovely.

It might be an idea to park your car elsewhere (if you drive and have a drive) in case she doesn't listen and comes over anyway.

You're absolutely right that inviting someone you're very low contact with on purpose for the rest of the year because you find their behaviour intolerable, to spend Christmas day one on one with in your house is a bad idea!

Draw your boundaries, say you have plans, and stick to them. You'll be so glad you did!

Your day sounds lovely, there is a reason you are low contact, don’t feel guilty.
enjoy Christmas your way!

White lie and say you are going to a friends.

Someone I know did this - she had decoded Xmas on her own would be nice. I was her alibi and we'd worked out what to do if her parent rang. They didn't.

YANBU. Sounds blissful - enjoy your calm Christmas day.

If you think you can’t be honest with her about it anting the day alone tell her you have been invited to a friends house, she isn’t likely to want an invite there. Have a lovely day 🍷

My DM died last year and there won’t be any more Christmases with her.

I say this so you know that when I say you are fully entitled to tell her to bog off (perhaps different wording tho) it’s coming from a place of understanding and support.

Stand your ground, go over with a marker pen those boundaries you’ve already pit in place by going LC and have the Christmas Day you want.

I had one Christmas on my own in 2002, my little DD went with her DF to his parents and I was ostensibly cleaning the flat we were due to move into on the 27th December. I did my cleaning in record time and then had the Radio Times, a purposefully made Christmas sandwich and several boxes of chocolates. It was magnificent.

Always always on these threads does someone pull the old appreciate them they're going to die someday. So the fuck what?!

OP tell her you have plans and you'll see her at some point over the Christmas and double down when the guilt shit starts. You owe her nothing. Enjoy your day, it sounds bliss.

Firstly Salvia's answer is fab!!
Secondly, I empathise...my M & D are fairly self-absorbed, critisise me & DH alot (including the Welsh, esp Drakeford - DH is half-Welsh), don't understand our lively son's needs (ASD & ADHD) and bang on about how we never go there all-year (its a 2 bed bungalow, they have 3 daughters , 3 SIL & 6 grandkids); they fight constantly & stress out my son, stayed durin brexit, he was 1.5 years old, had the Brexit news on 24/7 and were awful to me about voting remain. This year, the usual 2-3 months nagging from my mum, what are we doing about Xmas / New Year, we need to decide so she can plan...I don't mum, its only September! We're not seeing the others & free this year so will be fine, but you must tell me when you've sorted it...constant pressure every phone call...finally snap, give in, say we'll come to you at Xmas this year (both them and my PIL are two hrs away each)...she says but when will I see G (sister), L (other sister) & P (aunt)???

I give up...cannot win, whatever answer I give is wrong. She has bipolar, so I've put up with this nonsense for years. Not anymore...from next year, DH & I are decided: Xmas at ours (in Wales), New Year at either theirs or PIL! Need to make our own traditions after 24 years together. If they wanna see us that bad, can come to ours Boxing Day; we'll go there in summer (its a seaside town).

I’d be telling her you have plans with friends and won’t be in, and then just stay in anyway. It’s less harsh on her than just saying bluntly you don’t want her there.

I think 'bog off' would be a perfectly reasonable response, in the circumstances.

Exactly, the blatantly obvious is always pointed out as if it’s some entirely revolutionary concept that the OP has never considered once in her lifetime. So fucking bizarre.

The harsh reality is some people are cunts their entire lives and that the result of that is that they spend Christmas alone, or people don’t want to see them.

Christmas is a period of joy, I certainly wouldn’t be spending my day miserable while someone criticises me from 7am, that’s for sure. Life is too fucking short for that, and the person in question won’t even appreciate the effort, anyway.

If you want to be invited over for Christmas, maybe be a nicer person the other 364 days of the year.

@lolliesarentbreakfast

Seriously, you do have other plans so tell her so. You know you will regret it otherwise. Don't listen to any whining. It has just one day. That bacon sarnie will not taste so great if she rocks up and starts.

If need be you can see her Boxing Day. I know she will say it has not the same but tough Cheddar!!

So sorry you have plans, you are not available. Make plans to see her a long time in the future.

My Mum drives me barmy and always has done. But I may just invite her over on boxing day for a coffee and a bit of cake. Just to soothe things over

This....

Tell her you've already made plans, they may not be to everyone's taste but you're not asking anyone to join you so no problems there.

Enjoy your Christmas day it sounds bliss.

This gives me the shivers. I live a long way away from my DM and she won't travel, but the other week I said I was on my own for the weekend for a change as DH was going away and looking forward to it and her response was 'oh it's such a shame I don't live closer I'd come to stay, it would be lovely'. Which part of 'looking forward to a weekend on my own' did you not understand mother?! I think if she lived closer I'd have this issue a lot, we've never been particularly close and she drives me crackers!

Only you know if she would have the temerity to bowl up regardless of what you say, if so I'd be going with the 'I'm not going to be here sorry I'm doing XYZ on Christmas Day' lie.

OP may all your Christmas wishes come true

It's a present to yourself, your Mum can have Boxing Day.

Just lie and say you'll be away with friends.

posters are saying they wouldnt drive two hours to visit their mother?
yet they are saying their mother can drive for two hours to visit the op?

double standards.

Yanbu, especially seeing your updates. Have your lovely day. You don’t owe her the opportunity to entertain herself by having a go at you. She has somewhere else to go and it’s her choice not to.

Perfect excuse:
your partner is working away so you have arranged to surprise him at “away” and will be setting off as soon as the kids have been picked up. He might even corroborate. Job done.

indeed ask her to drive two hours on boxing day for a cup of coffee and a piece of cake?
why bother with that?

some people are very strange

No a pp said that the OP should just pop and see her. That would involve a four hour drive , so more than a pop. The OP definitely doesn't want her mum to drive the 2 hours over.to hers. That's sort of the point of the thread

I would have christmas day to yourself, and then visit her on Boxing day if she isn't alone on Christmas Day. She can then enjoy decorating and won't have your house to criticise! And she can put together the day herself and enjoy the company.

If she was on her own I would buckle and go and take her out for lunch somewhere near her around 3pm on xmas day after I had enjoyed a long lie in, a bucks fizz in the bath and five hours of me time. I am soft, so probably not the person to ask!! I couldn't leave anyone on their own at Christmas personally - I can't bear the idea of it unless they want to be alone like you op.

You’re plans sound great, I’d have no problem spending a day like this either! My parents are overbearing too and over the years I’ve really had to put my foot down.