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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My entitled dd 18

241 replies

Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:37

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

OP posts:
saturnisturning · 19/12/2022 09:40

Stick to your guns.

she sounds like a massive pain

MyBooksAndMyCats · 19/12/2022 09:40

Can you speak to the friends parent? I can't imagine they want her to stay on a permanent basis.

Bananalanacake · 19/12/2022 09:43

Does she want to get a job at all, surely she can't expect to sponge off you the rest of her life.

UWhatNow · 19/12/2022 09:45

“She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs.”

No. This wouldn’t happen in our house. I would literally take the fuses out. You are allowing an 18 year old to run the family. I think some tough love is called for and it starts with stop crying and begging for her. Leave her at the friend’s house if you know she’s safe. But if at some point she wants to come back then there are ground rules and you uphold them with a rod of iron. For her sake as much as everyone else’s.

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2022 09:45

I don't think you were too hard at all and I can't imagine the friend's mum putting up with that shit!
Give her time and set concrete ground rules when she comes back.

Bonjovispyjamas · 19/12/2022 09:46

You've done the right thing. You can't carry on like you were and now she knows you're serious, so don't back down. I agree with @MyBooksAndMyCats It's unlikely she'll be wanted at her friends for very long.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/12/2022 09:47

I mentally cheered when you said you’d asked her to leave as that’s what SHOULD happen in these circumstances but parents rarely do it! That’s the best thing you could’ve done for her - it’s rip the plaster off now, or let her struggle on for years making her own life as well as yours a misery.

I was kicked out at a similar age and it did me the world of good, if that helps.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/12/2022 09:48

How long will the friend’s parents put up with her? That’s what I’d like to know.
When she comes back, as I’m sure she will, time to Get Tough - and mean it.

Original poster
Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:48

We've applied for all her jobs, not even shitty ones but better than we used to do at her age. My DH has a fab job from home and she seems to think that's it she doesn't have to do anything, but it's all.contracta based and when they stop it can take 6 months to start another one so we can't afford her lifestyle and I only work PT. We've not kicked her out at all but she says it's she will.come home when "it's safe"... literally it was shouting match about getting a job. There's never been violence in our house except from her squaring up to me.
I don't want to be bashing her and she is classed a vulnerable but I don't know if I should be leaving her to want to come.back or begging her. She has a little sister (8) who is going to be devastated.

She took all the she bought us for Xmas and thrown them in bin. She's so cold towards me but always has been unless she needed me. I'm at my whits end.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 19/12/2022 09:48

I can’t imagine the friends parents wanting her permanently either, especially in the run up to Christmas.

she will come back as eventually her other options will run out, I’d pick your battles when she does, shouting whilst gaming overnight is the major one, how does she find her life at the moment? If you are subsidising it, stop right now..

in the meantime sending hugs, teenagers can be arseholes.

Original poster
Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:50

We haven't asked her to leave. Just said of she's not willing to work she will have to look at an alternative living option. But her initial reaction to sn argument is to pack a bag (she doesn't normally leave though)

OP posts:
ClangingBell · 19/12/2022 09:52

Staying with the friend’s family for a little while will be really good for her I think, she’s going to learn that every household has expectations for how to behave to make living together easier. Tell her that she’ll need to agree to some rules when she gets home, eg WiFi will be off from 10pm, she has to get a job etc.

Original poster
Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:53

Thank you, she literally left for no reason, prob to have me trail after her.

But @uwhatnow you hit the nail on the head.... she runs the family. That's prob my fault as she has Aspergers so I don't fight back.

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 19/12/2022 09:54

You have been way too soft on her. Night one of 2 - 4 hours sleep for the rest of the family would have been the one and only night that happened in my house.

Bonjovispyjamas · 19/12/2022 09:56

Time for some tough love. Your house, your rules.

BMW6 · 19/12/2022 09:58

Then tell her that she is always welcome home as long as she abides by your conditions

  1. She gets a job
  2. Obeys house rules

Otherwise she will have to make her own way.

This is a really crucial moment in your child's life. She cannot expect to live for free doing whatever she wants to no matter how detrimental to others. Help her to understand and change her ways. This is the hill to die on.

FeliciteFaff · 19/12/2022 10:01

WHILST she is gone. Remove the fuses and games. And store them in someone else’s place. When she comes home she will explode over not having her nice things. This is the time to set boundaries. Show her the door when she does this. Stop being soft it’s only going to hurt her in the end. If she is badass enough to square up to you and argue over your family rights. Then she should be looking at herself or packing her bags and taking a chance on her luck.

Don't pander to her when she comes home. Stand your ground. We have done this with a autistic kid. Some kids require hard boundaries.

SaturnaliaCalling · 19/12/2022 10:01

You've had a shock, OP. It's always a shock when a DC - even an adult one - storms out of the house. What I'm going to suggest you do is sit and recognise the negative emotions for ten minutes (maybe a bit of anger, guilt, frustration), bundle them up and put them in a cupboard in your brain. We don't want those ones. They can go out with the recycling on Wednesday.

What we want are positive emotions. As pp have wisely said, you can use this as an opportunity to lay down some ground rules for when she comes back. (And she will come back because no friend's mother is going to agree to more than a day or two, a few at most, from experience.)

These could be pretty simple. Talk to us politely. Get up in the morning and no gaming after 10.30pm. Wash your dishes after eating. Start looking for a job or College course. (Or whatever.)

The ball's in your court now - see this as a positive.

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 10:01

Does she have a PDA profile, are you sure that this isn't anxiety based? Have you tried looking at sen boards?
I'm not saying she isn't entitled but is there an element of can't as well as won't?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 19/12/2022 10:02

Don’t beg, for goodness sake. And stop dancing around her like you’re scared of her, that will only make things worse.

When she comes back (which she will, you’ve told us her immediate respite being thwarted is to pack a bag performatively) you unplug the router when you go to bed and take it to your room.

The family needs sleep (also - your poor neighbours!) and her desire to game all night doesn’t come into it.

She’s only 18, she still needs boundaries. You aren’t giving her any, you’re all too scared.

Idontdoyoga · 19/12/2022 10:03

STOP your crying!
It’s called tough love.
Many of us have had to be tough & have raised lovely adults from that.
Do not beg her about anything.
Go with the flow.
Read all our responses and take a way forward from that.
It’ll all work out but it’s a learning curve … stuck to your guns.

CecilyP · 19/12/2022 10:04

Her not having a job sounds the least of your worries. It’s not uncommon for teens to take their time between jobs. Her behaviour, on the other hand, is diabolical. Could she any less considerate if she tried! Presumably she will behave properly at her friend’s house, otherwise they would throw her out without a second glance. It might be good for her to spend some time away and learn to live with other people.

TheDivineOddity · 19/12/2022 10:05

She's flounced, you've not run after her as she expected and if she's not in a pickle yet at the friend's house then she soon will be.
Let her be for now, it could be the making of her.

BiddyPop · 19/12/2022 10:07

I have an about to turn 17 Dd with Asperger's and adhd. Who also hates me. We're "lucky" - she does still go to school (routine) but takes out her stresses on me, can be roaming the house in the middle of the night, never does anything to assist running the household but yells if Dh or I get things wrong (this morning it was that all her school pe gear went to her room clean not stayed down here to go into schoolbag for her locker...).

But she gets so stressed, has cut herself in the past and talked to school friends about suicide, does square up to me (but not so much to Dh). So I tend to just buy what she needs and otherwise stay out of her way. And worry about what will happen as I can't get through to her. But have also checked to see if I can buy a separate dwelling to move out and leave her with Dh (theoretically I could, just about). We're working on encouraging a more vocational than traditional uni route to her career choice, and investigating other options that would suit her.

Lots of the positive progress she had made in early secondary got wiped out due to covid and she's become set into bad patterns that cannot be shifted now.

Findyourneutralspace · 19/12/2022 10:08

You need to establish some ground rules. I have older teens/young adults who live in a different time zone to me, but as I am providing them with a roof over their heads and a meal on the table they have to respect my sleep and wellbeing. Otherwise, what use am I? (Mine are both ND too).
So once I’m in bed - usually about 9:30 because I get up early, it’s quiet time. Headphones on. No shouting at the PC or getting on the decks.
The kitchen must be clean when I come down in the morning. They take it in turns to clean it after tea and if anyone uses it in the night, they do so quietly and clean up.
There are often glitches in the matrix but they know what is expected of them - and that is especially important for kids on the spectrum. It’s not an easy age to parent but you can’t let her rule the roost.