My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

She's clearly impossible to live with, hopefully a key worker could find her some sort of sheltered accommodation? You are under no obligation to have her living with you. We had great difficulties with our oldest DD who did at one stage live in sheltered accommodation and now lives on various benefits including PIP. However your DD sounds perfectly capable of working and you need to stand firm, you don't have to take this from anyone, autistic or not, and others can help.
But I know how worrying it is for a mother, you always blame yourself and feel responsible for her even if she is being so dreadful that you can't put up with living with her any longer.

And she will inevitably be in touch when she needs money. My DD (now 47) still does this.

And OP didn't answer about whether she filled out the police application form for her daughter.

A lot of children don't reach adulthood until their late 20s.

What on Earth do you mean by that? A 25 year old can be a ‘child’?!

But there seems to be a huge lack of interest in the impact this sort of behaviour can have on the NT person’s carer/family member, and how it impacts their life. People can only pour so much from their cup, whether ND or NT.

First of all fuck you... we have never played into the woke brigade. Its very much the opposite. She knows she has to try harder due to her diagnosis

I think I can see why she left. * *

@Cuppasoupmonster I have made the point in every single post I’ve made here that the behaviour is not ok, and advocate for a balanced approach that includes change and compromise on all sides. Chances are, everyone here is burned out, dysregulated and fed up, and that’s why it’s boiled over. Both sides are entrenched and are resorting to tit-for-tat behaviour in order to get their own way. OP expects her daughter to live her life in the way a NT young adult would, which is unreasonable and will always lead to disappointment and frustration, and the dd expects to do exactly what she wants and when with no consideration for others in the home, which is also unreasonable and is upsetting others and disturbing their rest.

Both sides are basically going “You’re not listening to or considering me, so I’m not listening to or considering you”.

@Confusedby1 yes you did- this is the literal quote from your op

“The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere...”

You told her to get a job or look to live elsewhere, and she chose to live elsewhere… and now you are complaining about it.

I don’t think a violent pathological liar (as you say yourself!) is a good fit for the police. Jesus Christ!

Sorry I've been working. No we didn't fill this out for her but we sat with her. We knew her answers wouldn't be enough for them. And I have reached out personally to a few people who contacted me who have experience. Please don't start having a go at me when things are already dark enough.

I'm in touch with her early help coach who's been fab. We have also just found messages she's been sending laughing at me being home worrying and telling people she's a martial arts expert and body builder.
I told someone to F off and had it removed. I was in a rough place and shouldn't have said that but I felt it was personal when no one has a clue what I've been put through. We have given her every bit of help we possibly can. She has known for years when school is over she gets a job. She's been telling people I married a rich man and we are loaded so she doesn't have to work and that she earns a living off tiktok... the girl has serious issues with the truth.

I will remove this thread of I can as its becoming clearer to me that there is some other underlying issues going on with her that we need to address.

Op you really should post on the sen board...believe it or not other people are further down the path than you and have good knowledge.

Could you point me in the right direction? I've tried finding it but I've no idea

If you click on topics and then there's the SEN children there

It feels like there’s some useful parenting advice being offered to parents of late teens regardless of an autism diagnosis. It’d be a shame to have the thread deleted OP. Maybe come back to it after a few days when you’re DD has been in touch / returned home? I was given a pillow that says ‘motherhood is not for wimps’ and look at it often.

I suspect your judgemental. Have any of you any idea what this woman is going through. Ultimately what would DD do if anything happened to or dad .. this is the issue and why she needs to learn she cannot carry on up all night and doing nothing. COVID lockdowns also have a lot to answer for in this respect. But I don't think there's a need for people making judgement on OP she's having a tough time

I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time, try to take the positive suggestions from this thread rather than the personal insults. When you’re in such a low place it’s difficult not to take the slightest thing to heart as it is. You might find keeping the thread and reading it back in a month or so quite useful too, despite some harsh realities there is a lot of advice here, but at the moment you are not really in a position to process it as you are beside yourself with worry.

I do genuinely think and hope that she’ll be back very soon as the reality of sofa surfing over Christmas will not have hit home just yet.

does she have her own money?

Do you have a plan for when she comes back?