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Original poster

My entitled dd 18

241 replies

Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:37

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

OP posts:
newnamequickly · 19/12/2022 11:45

She's be saying that you've thrown her out and she's got nowhere else to go.

I have an older child a bit more disabled with her autism and they see things pretty black and white.

I recently asked my child to go and stay with her God parents for a week as I'd had enough.

I had a phone call from her school about safeguarding and asked if it was true she'd been 'thrown out'.

We put our internet in a Google mesh system. This means I can turn off an IP without inconveniencing the rest of the family.

Our rules are if they are gaming into the night, has to be with headphones. If they make loud noises then the IP to the computer gets turned off.

It removes the issue one step further as you are not needing to physically remove a plug or a console. It's all remote.

She'll start getting up earlier once her internet goes off at midnight.

Not sure about the kitchen. That would drive me bonkers.

Lotusmonster · 19/12/2022 11:48

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 11:37

Op I think you really need to consider getting her some and you some support. I'm not in UK but I'm sure on sen boards there will be good advice.
I think you are not taking her autism into consideration. This is very often how autism presents in teens in teenage years when they are over whelmed.

^^this 100%

whowhatwerewhy · 19/12/2022 11:48

I realise it's painful her leaving ( DD did the same to me ) my only advice is don't run after her , it just hands her the power over her. A simple message saying she has a home to come to when she's ready . Then make no further contact.
She will come back with her tail between her legs , then calmly lay down the house rules .

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/12/2022 11:51

My friend and neighbour has a son with ASD (on the spectrum) who was controlling the household and being horrendous to his DM and DSis.

She found him a local flat, paid for by social services mostly and he got a job. It didn’t work out so he moved to a Surrey town, got another flat and job locally. This was the best thing for him as he’s got independence and a local older woman and her family took him under their wing.

He kept on thinking he’d get jobs with the local station but with no reading writing skills (or very basic) he’d never get this.

Maybe a flat or shared house would suit DD.

Scatterbrainbox · 19/12/2022 12:29

Depending on how severe her autism is, there are supported internships and supported employment services offered by the local authority.

It sounds like she needs to develop her workplace and social skills even though she is academic enough for a levels.
If she is only 18 and NEET there will be services that can help and support her xx

mam0918 · 19/12/2022 12:41

Meh she sounds like an average teen.

Kick her out, the independence will do her the world good.

Kicking out and cutting off are different things, its healthy to push the fledgling from the nest but its not 'abandonment' as your still there for them in their life and anything they need.

Teens will be teens (staying up late, being messy, lacking responsability, challenging authority... all standard) but that doesnt mean they gets a comfortable free ride of luxuary.

The more you say 'under my roof', 'you need a job' and force 'rules' the more she'll fight back because it doesnt feel like a choice so let her fly and make her own choices.

custardbear · 19/12/2022 12:55

It's hard dealing with children in the spectrum, she needs to know you own the house and the space she's in. She needs to sort her sleeping out too, melatonin and or piriton and sleep hygiene, white noise machine with different noises on (DS uses one that has revolutionised his sleeping - he's ADHD). Failing that she gets a night job.
Her friends parent will get pissed off soon enough if she treats them like she treats you!
Good luck

jamoncrumpets · 19/12/2022 12:56

She may look functional because she's verbal and intelligent but her executive function will be very delayed. At that age I had a job but getting it and holding it were so stressful to me that all other aspects of my life really suffered, and being expected to work and do university meant I couldn't focus on my degree really, because I had the constant worry and expectation of having to 'pay my way' too. I did it. But it damaged me. I wasn't explosive or violent, my meltdowns were of a much more self harming variety. And I had a few really big scary ones from 16-24.

Your daughter is right in the eye of the trickiest developmental stage IME and is going to need you to help her. Could you approach the issue collaboratively?

Does she need to work and pay her way? Can you still afford to feed her. Could she do a course instead?

She sounds eligible for PIP tbh. I would definitely explore that avenue.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be ground rules. We have them in our home for our autistic DS. But I don't think using regular discipline is going to be the answer here. You could push her into a crisis.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 19/12/2022 12:58

I would have done exactly the same as you. Hold out and she will come around and realise her behaviour is unacceptable

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 19/12/2022 12:58

UWhatNow · 19/12/2022 09:45

“She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs.”

No. This wouldn’t happen in our house. I would literally take the fuses out. You are allowing an 18 year old to run the family. I think some tough love is called for and it starts with stop crying and begging for her. Leave her at the friend’s house if you know she’s safe. But if at some point she wants to come back then there are ground rules and you uphold them with a rod of iron. For her sake as much as everyone else’s.

This with bells on

2bazookas · 19/12/2022 13:04

To review;

Her behaviour was damaging to herself, and the family.
You were right to draw a line and give her an ultimatum.

You know she's safe.

This is a breathing space for you. Make the most of it. She is safe.

Its a learning opportunity for her. She will pretty soon understand that if she abuses the friends hospitality , there will be negative consequences that affect her. She can't have her own way in the real world. She'll have got that message loud and clear from three sources; family, her job, her friend.

When you see her again there's a very good chance she will have grown up a bit.

jamoncrumpets · 19/12/2022 13:13

2bazookas · 19/12/2022 13:04

To review;

Her behaviour was damaging to herself, and the family.
You were right to draw a line and give her an ultimatum.

You know she's safe.

This is a breathing space for you. Make the most of it. She is safe.

Its a learning opportunity for her. She will pretty soon understand that if she abuses the friends hospitality , there will be negative consequences that affect her. She can't have her own way in the real world. She'll have got that message loud and clear from three sources; family, her job, her friend.

When you see her again there's a very good chance she will have grown up a bit.

An allistic teen, deffo.
An autistic one, maybe.

Greatly · 19/12/2022 13:22

I'm amazed that its seen as normal for teens to hate their parents when the parents are perfectly pleasant and doing what they can.

The gaming just wouldn't happen in our house but can she not at least wear headphones? Does she have no empathy?

Greatly · 19/12/2022 13:24

She will pretty soon understand that if she abuses the friends hospitality , there will be negative consequences that affect her. She can't have her own way in the real world

Why would she understand this now when she hasn't understood that at home?

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 13:26

Does she have no empathy?

She is autistic, so her ability to empathise is likely limited, and will likely be further reduced when she's under additional stress (not to mention teen hormone surges, period, etc).

Greatly · 19/12/2022 13:29

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 13:26

Does she have no empathy?

She is autistic, so her ability to empathise is likely limited, and will likely be further reduced when she's under additional stress (not to mention teen hormone surges, period, etc).

OK. Clearly she doesn't respond to rules either. It sounds bloody tough op.

Rainbowlights · 19/12/2022 13:35

Stick to your guns, after a wee while, her friends parents will send her home and she will slowly begin to realise she can live this way.

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/12/2022 13:38

You are spot on.

Shes' an adult and needs to behave like one.

2bazookas · 19/12/2022 13:39

Greatly · 19/12/2022 13:24

She will pretty soon understand that if she abuses the friends hospitality , there will be negative consequences that affect her. She can't have her own way in the real world

Why would she understand this now when she hasn't understood that at home?

Her parents could have stopped night noise wrecking their sleep; instead they allowed her to rule the roost.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:57

I definitely think you all need some professional support. I absolutely wouldn't be focusing on the job at the moment. The immediate concern needs to be that when she returns home she lives in a way that is manageable to the rest of the household. It's not possible for you all to live in a house where there is noise into the night so you can't sleep. That has to be the priority for the mental health of the rest of the family.

Pushing her into work simply won't work (although she probably will need to work eventually). Her routine has been massively uprooted after sschool ended and she may need time to adjust. However that adjustment has to happen in a way which doesn't massively impact the well being of the rest of you.

ToastingToes · 19/12/2022 14:02

You reap what you sow.

Winter2020 · 19/12/2022 14:15

Hi OP,
Leave her at her friend's a little while and try to catch a tiny break. She will be back soon enough.

Perhaps at her friend's house she will regulate her behaviour better as it won't be possible for her to go to bed at 7pm and shout at a console all night in this new environment.

Or perhaps she won't and her stay will be even more shortlived because they won't be able to put up with this behaviour either.

In the unlikely even that it actually works well her staying at her friend's house and she and her hosts are happy this could be win win for a bit. She might be able to claim housing benefit as a lodger to pay board if she is out of work.

It is very hard for you but she is no longer a child and she has made a choice for now - although you are allowing her to change her mind and come home if she chooses. Rake the time to catch your breath. If you can why not rake her little sister out for a nice treat to distract you.

suzyscat · 19/12/2022 14:19

Tbh you told her to get a job or look for alternative accommodation and it sounds like she has (albeit not how you imagined.)

Everyone needs different levels of support but if you're applying for jobs for her it's not going to teach her how to do it or find methods of coping long term.

No one in your house should be allowed to disturb everyone else. You can turn things off and take them away.

I'm so sorry this has happened and so close to Christmas. It must be devastating. Children tend to behave better at other people's houses so hopefully she'll be learning something and if she isn't, I can't see it lasting. Good luck Flowers

user58202018484482910ugog19293843910 · 19/12/2022 14:26

I can't imagine the friends parent is allowing her to be asleep until 7pm and up all night not contributing financially to the household.

Greatly · 19/12/2022 14:29

user58202018484482910ugog19293843910 · 19/12/2022 14:26

I can't imagine the friends parent is allowing her to be asleep until 7pm and up all night not contributing financially to the household.

Why can't you imagine it? I'm sure the friends mum is tiptoeing round her with not a clue how to handle it! Just praying that she buggers off soon!