My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

I feel like I'm going through thr stages if grief... this morning after 2 hours sleep due to worry, I'm on way to work feeling angry at her. I don't think she's with that initial friend as I don't think their family would have had the space. However she's very well-mannered in public. She's very respectful to other parents. She was "brought up right" however I am just her punch bag. I was always strict but fair. We had boundaries. Covid fucked it all. I have asked to just let us know a location but I suspect she will lie about this either way. If I call thr police to do a check, it will antagonise her to the high heavens. I've reached out to her previous EH therapist and she is going to reach out to her. The police will have to be a last resort with her as she will then blame me if she doesn't get into the police later down the line.

As the mother of a 19 year old with Aspergers, can I say, Autistic people can still be knobs/lazy. To the people saying cut her some slack, and understand autism, you've done that, there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and sticking to them. We are going through a similar, although far smaller problem. I think you are doing the right thing.

My 18year old did similar. I knew where she was though but she blocked me on all social media and blocked my number too. She sorted a place at the ymca and soon contacted me because she needed someone to pay her upfront costs to secure her place in there because she had no income due to not working or claiming benefits whilst having no fixed address. Due to her being on the spectrum you could always ask police to at least take her number and do a welfare check for your own peace of mind. If shes anything like my eldest she will soon contact you when shes after financial help. I know its hard not to worry though

@Confusedby1 You told her she needed to get a job or go and live elsewhere. She chose living elsewhere. I don’t think you can complain… if you didn’t want her to move out you shouldn’t have given her the ultimatum.

I understand the way you were living was difficult and conflicting to your detriment. You certainly couldn't keep living like that. Certainly need to work something out.

I don't understand why you keep claiming "left for no reason" or you "didn't tell her to leave" (reasons are paraphrased) and this has upset you. You literally said you gave her an ultimatum of get a job or find alternative living arrangements. She's chosen the second while you wanted her to chose the first. That's not how ultimatums work unfortunately.

Might help if you shift your focus from not understanding why she left (because there is a reason) and put it fully onto how you all can live together. You will need to consider autism too in why she's not getting a job.

(Cross post with @Shuttlesandspinners; who pretty much said what I said, just in fewer words!)

I have two ASD girls and work in that area too. There's a very fine line between tough love that is supportive and tough love that's impossible.
If your going to insist on something like getting a job, then I have always ensured it's an achievable outcome if there's support. Suggesting an ASD person lives alone with no support when you know they don't know how to cook, won't be able to leave to do the shopping and can't cope with making phone calls or sending email to set up bills, is a no. But with support yes.
I have been "tough" on my girls, things like doing their chores, being polite, leaving the house for family events and going to school have always been a must. Learning to swim was another. Learning to drive was the worst one but we got there.
Pick the battles you will insist on, and ensure you are supporting those to happen. Yes things are harder but no one should be putting their own opinions on limits on anyone.
Also always understanding that the control they crave is often linked with anxiety and support that too. Also anxious person can seem to be incredibly selfish and self centred. It's not them it's the anxiety that's controlling them.

I think YABU simply because of her age. 18 is not an adult anymore. A lot of children don't reach adulthood until their late 20s.

I don't think you've handled the situation very well. You say you've not kicked her out, that she left of her own accord, but in her head I'm certain that she has left because she felt unwanted and unable to stay.

Many people don't seem to realise how difficult it is for young people to accept that they will need to work in a job they hate for the rest of their life, not to have a decent standard of living, but just to get by. The concept of working yourself into the ground just to survive isn't taught to them at school so it is a shock when they get to the age when they begin to realise it.

As they're growing up they're told that they can become whoever they want in life. They're told they will be able to find a career they will enjoy. They're told that if they work hard, they will succeed. This is all BOLLOCKS. The lucky few might find that, but for the majority life is just a long miserable slog.

You're daughter is at the point where she still believes the lies she has been told as she grew up and she can't understand why you're now telling her she has to get (in her eyes) a shit job for low pay.

In time she'll come to realise the truth. Like most people she just needs to hit rock bottom before she begins to stand on her own two feet.

Thank goodness my kids are all grown up and behave like they're the parents.

I don't think she's with that initial friend as I don't think their family would have had the space

Have you spoken to them? The friend she was staying with (and possibly the parents) might have an idea as to where she was heading.

I would contact any family members and friends (or her friends' parents if poss) and ask them to let you know if she turns up there. It's not great having to tell everyone what's going on when it's already so stressful, but it will put your mind at rest if it means someone can tell you she's safe.

I can't believe you haven't called the police to be honest. That dream of being an officer herself needs a big reality check. You are continuing to pay into this fantasy that it might happen is a bit like pretending the tooth fairy still exists, or Father Christmas. The bump when she finally realises it won't happen will be earth shattering.

You do have a duty to report her. She's young. She's incredibly vulnerable.

The blocking and not saying where she is is designed to get you to worry.
I’d take view of ok you are an adult. We are here if you need us. I bet life on her own isn’t wonderful and she’ll be back.
If you are genuinely concerned eg she has no money and no friends she could be with then contact police for advice.

We didn't

Many people don't seem to realise how difficult it is for young people to accept that they will need to work in a job they hate for the rest of their life,

Didnt we all have to accept that at one point or another?

Op you literally said in your op that she had to get a job or leave.
She has done as you have asked.
In all honesty I really think you have spent years not understanding autism and trying to force her into a mould that she isn't. I suspect she has been masking andnis burnt out.
What do you mean 'woke?". What is woke about being accepting of her asd diagnosis and making reasonable adjustments?

She knows he has to try harder? Have you ever met her in the middle somewhere? What do you think she actually struggles with? What way does her autism.present.
Just because she is bright doesn't mean she is capable of doing everything you expect of her. She needs support I suspect that you are dismissive and not offering it.
You essentially told her to leave and now she has.

About 85 % of autistic people do not have a job, and those that do go into full time employment often suffer from burnout several years down the line. There is too much expectation on autistic young people to fit the mould of NT's, support them and encourage yes, but too much pressure just makes them feel like they never measure up to others and many have extremely low self esteem.

Shape up or ship out isn't going to work with an autistic 18 year old.

So is there no support being given to this vulnerable 18 year old girl who is just supposed to stop being autistic and get on with things?

A lot of children don’t reach adulthood until their late 20s.

What…

Does this imply my gen alpha child won’t reach adulthood until 40? :D

”Sorry DD I know you want to get married and have children before menopause but you just aren’t mature enough yet! That’s why we froze your eggs. There’s always surrogacy though. 🥰” Let’s just hope your children graduate high school before you die. 😂

And people giving friendly advice being told to fuck off by OP now.

Poor kid.

Basically. OP doesn’t engage with any of the autistic adults and parents who have posted on this thread either, which is telling. Nobody has said that being understanding and accommodating of autism = letting the young person ride roughshod over everyone’s feelings either, but there doesn’t seem to be any balance here.

You've got more than autism going on there. That behaviour is down right anti-social, which is what we used to call psychopathy.

There are only a handful of Psychiatrists in the UK who consider themselves qualified to confidently diagnose Psychopathy but apparently all you need is a one-sided description of someone's behaviour on MN. Impressive.

Shuttlesandspinners isn't the only poster saying this. Which would be because in your OP, you said you did.

"The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere..."