My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

Lots of the positive progress she had made in early secondary got wiped out due to covid and she's become set into bad patterns that cannot be shifted now

I think this has happened to a lot of ASD kids - it did round here too

Does she have an EHCP?

If you've had to apply for her jobs and she has struggled in work, it sounds like she needs more support with navigating work and autism than she's currently receiving.

And, speaking fro experience (my own and 3 teen/adult DCs), realising that you're struggling due to disability compared to everyone around you who seem to be able to pick things up easily and can automatically do things that you have to be explicitly told to do can take a massive toll on one's mental health. Especially around the leaning school/first job mark. It's so hard as there are all these neurotypical expectations placed on you and other people often don't get why you're struggling and you're painfully aware you're falling further and further behind your peers but you have no way of articulating it or even realising you need more help. It can feel incredibly isolating.

It sounds like she might benefit from an autism key worker (via either adult social care or NHS, depending on what's available in your area), or if she has an EHCP, maybe a supported internship as a first step into work if she's not ready to dive straight into a job with zero support.

I have a 16 year old DD, also on the Spectrum “high functioning”. Didn’t go to college in September, as said she wanted to think about what she wanted to do (fine), she got a job down at Boots (finishes at NY).

She also stays up late - which I don’t mind as long as she’s up for work. I know we will have a battle on our hands in the New Year, as she needs to get another job until she starts college in September.

I feel for you with the kitchen thing .. and yep, everything perceived as a criticism leads to an over reaction.

Things have got better since she started at Therapy about 3 or 4 months ago …is your daughter in therapy

Being ND certainly makes things more tricky. Personally I would leave her at her friends house and take the opportunity to deep
clean her room. Remove devices, change the WI-FI password - you get the idea.

Just to add, my DS (19) has ASD/ADHD and constantly forgets the grounds rules re not cooking in the night - he's learning now, but a year or so ago I had to lock the freezer with a key every night (you can buy a kit) and turn the oven off at the fuse box to stop him burning the house down while I was asleep.

He is much better now and getting into a better routine post-lockdown has helped massively, as he's sleeping at night now and us starting to see the benefits of a regular routine. But I have had to be far more hands-on with his daily living support over the past year or two to get him to this point, as he doesn't yet have the life skills or executive function skills to make sensible decisions for his future self.

I've found that boundaries are really key for him as he's all over the place without me setting crystal clear rules (repeated daily - bloody exhausting!). It's a hard time for them - especially with all the uncertainty of covid and lockdowns to mess up what could have been a smoother transition into adulthood.

Ignore her completely. When she gets in touch tell her she cannot come back unless she agrees a code of conduct. In your position I would be glad she had gone and take the chance to reset everything.
I work with young adults with ASD and her behaviour is unacceptable no matter the diagnosis. If she wants to stay up all night making a racket she needs her own accomodation.

And of course turn the wifi off at night until she's back in a sensible sleep pattern and can regulate her own routine a bit better.

Otherwise a new job will be even more of a struggle if she's battling sleep deprivation and having to navigate a workplace with autism as a teen.

You'd be better off posting this on the SEN boards as posters here will miss the really crucial, salient points - and that is that she is on the autistic spectrum.

So it's probably a case of she won't behave and also she CANT behave. There will be a mix going on and the people best placed to advise you are those who have experience. Not those who just say ' yeah she's so awful, feel her she has to do x, y and z or you'll kick her out'

You do need to remove gaming devices / set very firm boundaries of course. There's no denying that. But you also need to understand how best to support her going forward and I dunno if you'll find that advice on AIBU

In your position I would be concerned about her vulnerability as well. That said I could not survive or cope with so little sleep. So something has to give. You are not being unreasonable to insist on sleep!

I would call your dd's friend's parents and explain what is happening and talk to them, ask for updates and if you can contribute to her upkeep for the time being and hopefully they will be keen to shuttle her back in time for Christmas.
I can't imagine any one putting up with the gaming so loudly all night so bide your time, keep your door open for her to come back under the conditions you have already set up and keep the love. You don't need to cry, she will be back at some point op.

She had early help earlier this year for similar reasons. I know she is more than capable for thr work. She's applied for the police but this takes time and she failed the first assessment so getting work to keep her going until she reaches her goal is what we are trying to teach her. Not just say fuck it because it didn't happen first time. 🤷

I agree with OtterBox.

With school / 6th form structure gone she might be in free fall wrt time and self discipline, and needs firm help and support.

Obviously all teens can be sloppy around the house, veer towards nocturnal, and be entitled, but when ASD is involved is it more a case of what help and boundaries do they need rather than what battles to fight?

I hope the experienced posters on the SEN board can help.

Completely agree... we are scared of her. She can be vicious and violent if pushed. Once that red mist comes down that's it we've lost all reason.

I was a lot tougher on her growing up but since she got taller than me I lay down and took the shit.

You are all right.... and I appreciate the wake up call but sometime you can't help but feel like a failure...

I was brought up really tough and to have manners and respect... kids these days seem to think they are hardest hit.

Do not budge on house rules.

Everyone cleans up after themselves and contributes to the running of the house.

No financial support whatsoever.

Up to her if she wants to sleep all day, but noise after 10pm is not tolerated and she needs to get herself some headphones.

18 is a scary age for many, all of a sudden life is thrust upon you and you have no idea how to make something of yourself. To me, it all felt so unattainable. I picked up and dropped so many temp jobs and was very depressed myself at that age. I needed support, boundaries and something to work towards.

With all due respect, OP, it doesn't sound like this is an issue of entitlement or "kids these days" - it sounds like she's struggling with her autism and finding it hard to process and/or articulate this so she's lashing out.

It's so hard having a teen with violent autistic meltdowns and I know only too well how little appropriate support there is for that, but if you persist with her GP, adult mental health team and social services, you should get some support eventually (we did, but it took a while). It's not ok to live with the constant threat of violence, but it's also not DD's fault as she's autistic and is merely expressing a need in the only way she can in the moment. It's awful in the interim when you're still having to tread water in the situation but it's important to keep chasing for appropriate support and not resign yourself to a life of being the target of violent meltdowns.

Has DD had a recent medication review? If not, I'd prioritise that as I've found that the tiniest medication tweaks can change the intensity and frequency of the violent meltdowns significantly.

She can be vicious and violent if pushed. Once that red mist comes down that's it we've lost all reason.

How badly does she want to join the police?** She needs to understand that her behaviour needs to change for her to achieve this goal. And that behaviour starts at home. Becoming vicious and violent are not good qualities in an officer.

I would asked to have this moved from AIBU where everyone will have you kick your child out/leave the bastard and will eat/spend/heat 100 times less than you do. Have it moved to the SEN board where you're more likely to get some help and support from people who understand what it's like to be ND or have experience with handling ND children.

People with ASD can often come across as entitled because they struggle to put themselves in any one else's shoes. It's very likely that she is emotionally up to 3 years behind her peers - you should think of her as basically a 15 year old.

It's fantastic that she wants to join the police, please, please support and work with her on that - what could she do in the meantime that will boost her application? She probably has low self esteem already, and the rejection on the first attempt she probably took very hard and now feels even more worthless. She desperately needs your support not to tell her she has to leave if she doesn't do what you want. She won't see the point in doing some random job if she wants to be in the police and probably feels like a complete failure. What she needs is lots of help and support to get her back on the right road and believing that she can get in the police, she just needs to do x, y and z to help. Talk to her about how when you apply for jobs if you have holes in your cv that it doesn't look good, you need to have been doing something, short courses, working on her fitness (if that's still important for joining police), working to show she is punctual, reliable, helpful etc

I was your dd and I ended up marrying someone I really shouldn't because my parents were like you, I really needed help and support at that age, I felt very lost and struggled with executive function, the 'busyness' of places and people, the expectations of my parents and low self esteem. I promise you that she needs your support on the next steps and how to move on from this disappointment not your anger and being told she has to leave.

My son is 15 and has Autism and its like living with a dictator so I totally understand your dilemma OP. However you have to set boundaries and some basic rules if she wants to live with you. For everyone's sanity and also for your daughter, she may not want to accept others point of view however its a life skill she will need to develop so don't feel bad about things coming to a head at home.
Can you make contact with the friends parents? Or put your number through the door and ask them to call you so you can have a chat?
They wont want her staying with them long term and probably not by the end of this week. I'm sure she will be home soon but please try and set some boundaries especially in the house. She can't call the shots all of the time.

You need to stop excusing her because of having Asperger's. Honestly. My DS is an Aspie, he is 33 and lives at home. Lives like your DD does, sleeps all day and plays games all night. With earphones , always. That is the boundary - no noise permitted because it is rude and thoughtless. Also no making a mess in the kitchen, for the same reason. He can make a toastie and clean up afterwards. He has chores which have to be done around the house , and he has to pay his way and contribute to the family finances. Don't let your DD act like this, you are doing her no favours.

You shouldn't be applying for jobs for her - she is a grown woman who happens to be on the spectrum, not a baby who must have everything done for her.

When her friend's parents get sick of her and send her back, make some rules and stick to them

This too will pass, OP. It will. It's just horrible when you're in it.

You're a good parent in a difficult situation. You will get through it, but stick to your guns and don't allow her to bully or guilt trip you because it won't do her any good in the long run.

Youve had good advice & it's all to say that this cannot continue as it was. You know it shouldn't have got to a slanging match but there you go hindsight is a great thing. But what you do have now is a line that's been crossed & this is an opportunity. A time when you set new boundaries, new house rules. A time that can show for history sake that you aren't 'throwing her out'. What you are doing is making it clear how any resident adult in a house that belongs to you must behave. You need to write it down - laminate it if need be - and reaffirm it. Everyone must clear up after themselves. Behaviours that affect the rest of the household (eg. gaming noisily at times outside if 11-8) must stop. Paying a proportion of wage to the household. Not be out of work for more than 3 weeks without daily active effort to get a new job/income
Put whatever you think is important in your home/life (could be that you have to sit down as a family to eat once a week, each adult to cook dinner for all at least once a week, cleaning rota, that everyone has to have at least half hour fresh air a day, whatever) Just say that these are the boundaries & expectations. No chit chat, no vagueness, just a reminder that they are welcome, that they can return home as that's what it is, but adults are respected as such.
Also state what will happen if they're breached - family meeting, 2 strikes & leave within 2 weeks, whatever you'd like.
Each time there's a flashpoint you refer to these unequivocal rules & give her an opportunity to reflect & change her behaviour. If not as an adult she deals with the consequences & with full acknowledgment of what her alternatives need to be.
Just remember that you deserve peace & respect in your home. Autistic people can totally offer that. You've tried the 'let her get away with it/no challenge' approach & it leads to disaster for everyone. So now it's time for a new approach. You aren't being unreasonable, you will be helping their adult journey. And helping your 8yr old prepare for how families work

Tough love.

The fuses suggestion especially.

Sounds to me like you need to cut her some slack and begin to understand autism.

Poor kid.

Stick to your guns. My mum did similar to me around 21, as although I was working (and paying rent), I was taking the piss in every other way. I stormed out, and wasn't allowed back in.

I was scared, angry and confused.

26 years later and I have told my mother multiple times it was the right thing to do. It forced me to sort myself out and take control of my life otherwise I would have just continued to take the piss for as long as I could get away with it. It was the making of me.

Op I think you really need to consider getting her some and you some support. I'm not in UK but I'm sure on sen boards there will be good advice.
I think you are not taking her autism into consideration. This is very often how autism presents in teens in teenage years when they are over whelmed.

You've done the right thing