My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

I was genuinely just asking, As my belief was there wasn’t any, I was curious as my son is ASD and I hadn’t come across any in my research.

without knowing her daughter and how her ASD affects her I can’t be certain but it does sound as if her behaviour is not her ASD symptoms but misbehaving, it can be hard to learn the difference but you do get to know when it’s your own child.

I hear you, OP - it's such a difficult situation and there are no easy answers. All I can say is that it does often get a bit easier as they get older (although often you end up swapping one set of challenges for the next..). My DD21 has a little more insight into her her behaviour than she had when she was 18ish and is much more on board with taking her medication and self-care, etc than she was at 18, when she was refusing all medication and having several violent meltdowns a day - it was an awful time but we did get through it in one piece (just!) and things are better now (and we have more support post-lockdown, which is definitely helpful).

Has DD discussed with you what led to her quitting her job? Did she seem happy in it before she quit?

Obviously the sleep difficulties won't have helped her to cope with a new environment and demands, and as you say, there's only so much you can do if she's refusing to take the medication.

I agree. I have an autistic daughter that drives me mad at times, but you do need to consider autistic burnout which a lot get when pushed into full-time work. They find even the simplest things twice as difficult as us NTs and yes they need boundaries re being considerate to others in the house, but pushing too much responsibility on to them could break them. They have been given a diagnosis for a reason, because they struggle so much and OP is right when she says she chooses her battles wisely. Good luck OP, I feel for you, it's very hard to know what to do for the best sometimes.

Oh ok, HelsyQ - I think I'm a bit paranoid about accidentally offending people on here!

Charliz43 - you are wrong! Autism is a disability!

@Confusedby1 (OP), did you fill in your daughter's application for the Police?

Have you looked on council website. Ours offers internships and getting into employment support for people with disabilities inc autism.
She sounds like she’s floundering and needs support.

A lot of people seem to think because she has ASD she’s incapable but in many cases (people) this is just not true, my ASD friend is a doctor.

she sounds incredibly capable but she’s just playing up, I get the impression from OP this isn’t because of her autism.

autistic people are very tunnel visioned yes, but that varies massively person to person. I think OP would know if this was her ASD at play. I get the sense DD is fully aware this is unreasonable behaviour but just doesn’t give a shit. She knows the difference between right and wrong but is choosing now to implement it.

Not to implement I meant

She isn't incapable. But she is vulnerable and has higher support needs than other teenagers.

Yeah you’re right, and I suppose there are changes in her life going on right now. I suppose also at 18, you are still pushing boundaries and learning, you’re still a kid the difference is the consequences start to become serious - hopefully things improve for this family over the next few months when her daughter learns what is and is not acceptable.

Again Jamoncrumpets well said!

I was all at sea until at least 24. I met my husband then, and we figured it all out together. But thank god my parents were always there to support me, if not always financially but with unconditional love and understanding. They would never have turfed me out, in any circumstances. But I wasn't violent or horrible to them, we had a really good collaborative relationship. My violence and anger was all internalised.

Oh, so you have ASD? (Haven’t read the whole thread). I know with my son that if he started doing all of this he would know it was wrong, it’s very important to him to behave because ‘that’s just what you do’ but I suppose that could change over time. He can be incredibly inconsiderate and selfish but this mainly just affects him and he’s not very disruptive.

to be honest - I could see how it would be possible for that to change as he gets older but I don’t think I could live how OP is living. My son would understand that type of behaviour is wrong, I’m getting the sense her dd does as well.

I agree with previous posters that if she comes back you need to make it clear that either she follows your rules (no noise at night, clearing up if she cooks, speaking to you politely) or she moves out again.
She will probably yell and lose her shit but you must stand firm.

I feel sorry for your younger child/ren witnessing violent outbursts and being kept awake all night. One of my DDs friends, when they were about 10, was really traumatised by an older autistic teenage brother who kept the whole family awake every night gaming and shouting. From the day his brother finally left home, DD's friend was a different and much happier child.

Stick to your guns, OP! Doesn't matter that it's Christmas, stop crying and pleading with her and try to enforce some rules.

She doesn't sound at all suitable for a career in the police with her violent outbursts of temper.

You don’t understand autism. I’m autistic and I was quiet and mostly very well-behaved and became very stressed if I didn’t get to bed on time. My youngest is the same. Regulates himself really well….bed at 10pm, up at 7.30am, meals at regular times, hates drama.

Eldest lives with his dad and is the same as OP’s child although he doesn’t make lots of noise. The main problem is that there’s no structure, poor sleep habits, no exercise, poor diet. Without that, there’s nothing to progress from.

Oh so I am diagnosed autistic, yes @HelsyQ

I just find it interesting and helpful to hear your view that’s all. My goal is to understand and help my son as much as possible.

My son would understand that type of behaviour is wrong, I’m getting the sense her dd does as well.

I get what you're saying, but IME (as an autistic person and carer of three autistic young adults) it doesn't matter what you know to be correct behaviour or what the rules are in that moment if you're so overwhelmed with anxiety or stress that your executive dysfunction is out of the window and you're having a full-blown meltdown.

There's always regret later and autistic teens and adults who have meltdowns don't lash out because they've decided to - it's that all rationality has temporarily left the building. My DC break their own beloved possessions during meltdowns - they are intelligent, rational people much of the time (well two of them are, at least!) but when they're overwhelmed/sleep deprived/unwell/hormonal, then what they want to do and what they actually end up doing aren't always aligned.

There's a lot that can be done to minimise the occurrence of meltdowns, but part of that might be removing some of the demands that the person is finding too difficult to cope with at present (like working, or getting rejected from your dream career, if those things were part of the problem for OP's DD), or approaching the demands in a different way (e.g. supported internship, asking for reasonable adjustments to the recruitment process under the EA2010 to accommodate some of the challenges, if relevant, etc).

It can be hard for parents of autistic teens transitioning into adulthood to keep up with their DC's needs as the demands on them change so rapidly in those late teen years that it can be really challenging for parents to work out what their DC is actually struggling with out on their own and what, if any, additional support they might still need.

Plus, there can be a lot of shame for young autistic adults around admitting you're struggling with things that other people seem to be able to do effortlessly (like following instructions, dealing with customers, trying to use initiative when your brain works slightly differently from what's expected so your idea of what might be helpful is the complete opposite of what your boss finds helpful, etc).

It's really tough, and I know I've struggled massively at times to adapt quickly enough to my DC's evolving needs.

@Choconut

what do you suggest re the nocturnal gaming?

I would probably message the friends mum along the lines of - thanks for having Dd. She may have told you we threw her out but it’s not true. We just explained that there are ground rules eg being quiet after we are asleep and either getting a job or going to college or some further education. i’m
actually Cross with myself that we got
to where we are.

Sounds to me like you are still maki g excuses for her to be honest, if she’s capable of squaring you to you and cooking food and playing on the PC all hours of the night then she sounds perfectly capable of behaving like a responsible human being spectrum or not, but you have allowed her to walk all over for years clearly otherwise it wouldn’t have gone this far

Stand your ground other wise nothing will ever change

As the mother of 2 autistic teens (both younger than your daughter), it seems to me that you don't seem to have a huge understanding of your child and the reasons behind these behaviours. My daughter went into burnout around age 13 and what we had to do was try to see everything through her Autistic lens, slowly, one step at a time. We're getting there, 2 years later, with talking therapy, medication and being guided by her wants and needs, within reason.
It's possible your child is traumatised by years of masking in school, and is unable to meet any expectations right now.
That said, gaming all night is not the answer, but it might be a temporary relief for her.
Behaviour is communication and it seems from what you say that your daughter is distressed/ stressed and angry.

I do think a lot of these replies could do with a crash course in autism.