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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My entitled dd 18

241 replies

Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:37

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 19/12/2022 14:30

I don't know if she would qualify but could you consider supported living?. You say she's not violent but you also seem fearful of her.

GCMM · 19/12/2022 14:37

The police force is definitely not for her until she matures considerably, maybe not at all. The last thing we need is another police officer who gets vicious and violent when confronted. I would point this out to her and help her consider an alternative career.

jamoncrumpets · 19/12/2022 14:38

GCMM · 19/12/2022 14:37

The police force is definitely not for her until she matures considerably, maybe not at all. The last thing we need is another police officer who gets vicious and violent when confronted. I would point this out to her and help her consider an alternative career.

Very unlikely she will be accepted, OP I would look at more realistic career options.

HelsyQ · 19/12/2022 14:42

Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 09:37

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

You’re being a great, strong mum. My son has ASD all though is younger and all though it’s a spectrum you will know when she’s just being unreasonable or she genuinely doesn’t understand.

give her time and set clear boundaries when she wants to come back (she will want to).

i left at around 20, I was a total dick at that age. I was gobsmacked when my parents set boundaries and when I wanted to come back, thinking I was blessing them with my presence. Honestly, it taught me a few lessons and I stuck to their boundaries. She’s 18, I would welcome her back by I definitely wouldn’t chase her - realistically I’d give her a couple more chances then that would honestly just be that. Oh, and she would have to be employed before she returned home also.

HelsyQ · 19/12/2022 14:46

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 10:59

With all due respect, OP, it doesn't sound like this is an issue of entitlement or "kids these days" - it sounds like she's struggling with her autism and finding it hard to process and/or articulate this so she's lashing out.

It's so hard having a teen with violent autistic meltdowns and I know only too well how little appropriate support there is for that, but if you persist with her GP, adult mental health team and social services, you should get some support eventually (we did, but it took a while). It's not ok to live with the constant threat of violence, but it's also not DD's fault as she's autistic and is merely expressing a need in the only way she can in the moment. It's awful in the interim when you're still having to tread water in the situation but it's important to keep chasing for appropriate support and not resign yourself to a life of being the target of violent meltdowns.

Has DD had a recent medication review? If not, I'd prioritise that as I've found that the tiniest medication tweaks can change the intensity and frequency of the violent meltdowns significantly.

What medication is available for asd?

as a parent of a kid with asd you learn what they can/can’t control. So I think op would definitely be taking that into consideration

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2022 14:49

Police doesn’t sound realistic.
Is there someone a friend or family member that could mediate.
I don’t think your requirements are unreasonable work and respect house rules or move out.

Charlize43 · 19/12/2022 14:58

How long is she staying at her friend's house? Will it give you enough time to put your house on the market, sell it and move?

jamoncrumpets · 19/12/2022 14:59

Charlize43 · 19/12/2022 14:58

How long is she staying at her friend's house? Will it give you enough time to put your house on the market, sell it and move?

Why not just throw her to the wolves while you're at it?!

RaRaRaspoutine · 19/12/2022 15:12

Good riddance. BTW I know teachers etc who are "on the spectrum". It's not an excuse for anti-social behaviour and laziness.

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 15:23

What medication is available for asd?

We've found that some anxiety meds really help to lessen the meltdowns (and their intensity) by reducing anxiety, but obviously everyone is different (which is why I suggested medication review, depending on what meds she is on, if any, in case it was helpful).

Obviously medications will only treat the symptoms that contribute to exec dysfunction and not the ASD itself, but medication can sometimes help with reducing the anxiety that can cause meltdowns in some people.

I wasn't suggesting OP doesn't know her own daughter, but OP seemed to be asking for help so I suggested something that help us in that situation - didn't mean to upset anyone and was only trying to help.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/12/2022 15:27

Her ASD is the side issue. You have given her the power of the house and the first time you shout at her she runs away. The fact that she is bigger and stronger than you, and is violent means that you have not done her any favours-she has realised you are scared of her. Others won’t put up with her the way you have so you can probably expect her home by the end of the week. However, now you are all getting a proper sleep and more clear headed think about if you want her back-frankly I wouldn’t and since she has removed herself from home it might be the push she needs to become more independent-it won’t happen if you continue as you had been. This is a funny time of year so take the space to think and make plans but don’t just let her come home to make everyone’s lives horrible again.

jamoncrumpets · 19/12/2022 15:32

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/12/2022 15:27

Her ASD is the side issue. You have given her the power of the house and the first time you shout at her she runs away. The fact that she is bigger and stronger than you, and is violent means that you have not done her any favours-she has realised you are scared of her. Others won’t put up with her the way you have so you can probably expect her home by the end of the week. However, now you are all getting a proper sleep and more clear headed think about if you want her back-frankly I wouldn’t and since she has removed herself from home it might be the push she needs to become more independent-it won’t happen if you continue as you had been. This is a funny time of year so take the space to think and make plans but don’t just let her come home to make everyone’s lives horrible again.

Somebody's ASD is never a side issue. It shapes their entire being.

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 15:39

Also, HelsyQ, we haven't used them but I know lots of people with autism who take various medications for their sleep difficulties, which might be relevant here.

Bigdamnheroes · 19/12/2022 15:45

She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs.”

No. This wouldn’t happen in our house. I would literally take the fuses out. You are allowing an 18 year old to run the family. I think some tough love is called for and it starts with stop crying and begging for her. Leave her at the friend’s house if you know she’s safe. But if at some point she wants to come back then there are ground rules and you uphold them with a rod of iron. For her sake as much as everyone else’s.

This a million times over. She's 18. She needs to be working to support herself. Vulnerable she may be but it doesn't sound as though she is disabled so she needs to be working.

She's an adult and it's not her house, it's yours. When she pays the rent, she makes the rules.

Shape up or ship out.

ilovesooty · 19/12/2022 15:50

If she hasn't got a job she needs to apply for Universal Credit and contribute financially to the household.

I can't see her friend's parents putting up with her for long.

neverbeenskiing · 19/12/2022 15:53

Good riddance. BTW I know teachers etc who are "on the spectrum". It's not an excuse for anti-social behaviour and laziness.

You do realise that Autism is more debilitating for some people than others? That's why it's referred to as the Autism "spectrum". The fact that you know some adults with Autism who are capable of working in professional roles is completely irrelevant to this situation. Autism is not an "excuse" for anything, but in some people it absolutely does lead to behaviours or traits that can appear to be antisocial or lazy.

OP, I agree with pp who have urged you to get this thread moved to the SEN board. You're getting a lot of responses from people who mean well but don't understand Autism.

20viona · 19/12/2022 15:54

I would not allow this in my house no way. Until she pays the bills she needs to respect your home and boundaries.

OtterInABox · 19/12/2022 16:03

Comments like those from @Crimeismymiddlename just show what idiots we have on here. Lol at 'autism is a side issue'

Honestly, how dense are some people?!

Original poster
Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 16:06

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2022 10:11

Does she have an EHCP?

If you've had to apply for her jobs and she has struggled in work, it sounds like she needs more support with navigating work and autism than she's currently receiving.

And, speaking fro experience (my own and 3 teen/adult DCs), realising that you're struggling due to disability compared to everyone around you who seem to be able to pick things up easily and can automatically do things that you have to be explicitly told to do can take a massive toll on one's mental health. Especially around the leaning school/first job mark. It's so hard as there are all these neurotypical expectations placed on you and other people often don't get why you're struggling and you're painfully aware you're falling further and further behind your peers but you have no way of articulating it or even realising you need more help. It can feel incredibly isolating.

It sounds like she might benefit from an autism key worker (via either adult social care or NHS, depending on what's available in your area), or if she has an EHCP, maybe a supported internship as a first step into work if she's not ready to dive straight into a job with zero support.

We only apply for her because she won't do it herself

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedby1 · 19/12/2022 16:10

It's so hard. We've got her help I got her melatonin to help her sleep she refuses to take. She almost gets her kicks out of punishing me for whatever reason. She's a pathological lier also so I wouldn't be surprised of there was something else going on medically.
I just don't eat to give up on her. Truly struggling. I have my own health issues and this is going to send me to an early grave.

OP posts:
diffandproud · 19/12/2022 16:10

ToastingToes · 19/12/2022 14:02

You reap what you sow.

How horrible. Her daughter is autistic and the op has come here for advice. Being autistic affects every aspect of someone's life..communication/socialising/ being around people/ insomnia/ ability to hold down job/inability to feel empathy,focus and organisational difficulties..the list is endless..how horrible of you

MeridianB · 19/12/2022 16:15

UWhatNow · 19/12/2022 09:45

“She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs.”

No. This wouldn’t happen in our house. I would literally take the fuses out. You are allowing an 18 year old to run the family. I think some tough love is called for and it starts with stop crying and begging for her. Leave her at the friend’s house if you know she’s safe. But if at some point she wants to come back then there are ground rules and you uphold them with a rod of iron. For her sake as much as everyone else’s.

All of this. Stop crying and enjoy the break from her while you get your head together and make a plan to change things.

And stop funding her. No cash, no clothes or extras, no phone. She needs to wise up fast.

diffandproud · 19/12/2022 16:17

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/12/2022 15:27

Her ASD is the side issue. You have given her the power of the house and the first time you shout at her she runs away. The fact that she is bigger and stronger than you, and is violent means that you have not done her any favours-she has realised you are scared of her. Others won’t put up with her the way you have so you can probably expect her home by the end of the week. However, now you are all getting a proper sleep and more clear headed think about if you want her back-frankly I wouldn’t and since she has removed herself from home it might be the push she needs to become more independent-it won’t happen if you continue as you had been. This is a funny time of year so take the space to think and make plans but don’t just let her come home to make everyone’s lives horrible again.

Possibly the most uneducated and ignorant comment that I have ever read on here. Seriously, educate yourself on disability, No, being autistic is NOT a side issue.
Op,please move this to SEN board as too many comments here are highlighting the ignorance of people to the fact that your daughter is autistic.
These people cannot give you advice.

toffeecrisps · 19/12/2022 16:24

RaRaRaspoutine · 19/12/2022 15:12

Good riddance. BTW I know teachers etc who are "on the spectrum". It's not an excuse for anti-social behaviour and laziness.

You put that in quotes like you don't believe it.

Charlize43 · 19/12/2022 16:31

Bigdamnheroes · 19/12/2022 15:45

She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs.”

No. This wouldn’t happen in our house. I would literally take the fuses out. You are allowing an 18 year old to run the family. I think some tough love is called for and it starts with stop crying and begging for her. Leave her at the friend’s house if you know she’s safe. But if at some point she wants to come back then there are ground rules and you uphold them with a rod of iron. For her sake as much as everyone else’s.

This a million times over. She's 18. She needs to be working to support herself. Vulnerable she may be but it doesn't sound as though she is disabled so she needs to be working.

She's an adult and it's not her house, it's yours. When she pays the rent, she makes the rules.

Shape up or ship out.

^This

This reminds me of the type of no nonsense response my mother used to make. I agree with these 100%