To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

Yanbu to be upset, that couple clearly have some kind of issue with you. But don't exclude yourself from the wider group just because of this one couple.

Ah this is rubbish op. From your friends reaction it sounds like at least some of them don't know you have been left out. It's potentially a problem with the hosting couple. What has your dh said?

could it be something simple like you missed a text message or WhatsApp or anything?

I'd still invite everyone over at New Year but I'd send a PA invite to couple that didn't invite you saying 'understand if you can't make it'

Very upsetting for you but agree with @Gruffling

Sounds like the couple who arranged the party are the ones you need to be wary of

But don't cut yourself off from everyone else just because of that. Because you'll be the only one who misses out

Hope you have a good NYE party!

I wouldn’t disinvite the entire friendship group, at least until you have found out why you weren’t invited. It could have just been that one couple and they may have put everyone else in an awkward position but doesn’t mean the entire group were trying to exclude you.

Have you spoken to anyone in the group to try and find out why you weren’t invited? I would probably do this before working to split yourself from the group or making any decisions you can’t go back on.

You're nicer than me. I'd uninvite dinner party couple unless this turned out to be a simple misunderstanding (I'd ask why we weren't invited first and my reaction would depend on whether they could have an honest conversation and have us a chance to sort out any differences or were just nasty or gaslighting about it)

@Acheyknees
Brilliant.

Can you ask the couple that didn't invite you why? It could be that you or your DH have unintentionally offended them. Or they could just be arses! But definitely ask them.

Can you not check whether there was a misunderstanding or ask them outright what's happened that meant they didn't invite you?

If you value the friendship and the friendship group, then I'd still invite everybody round for NYE and try to sort it out. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Can you ask the person who let it slip about it? See if they can provide a reason why or if your absence was discussed at the dinner party?

I'd invite them, be the bigger person and be all smiles and "Hiiiii, how are you? I heard you had a fab party the other night! Lovely!" And leave them stood there feeling like pricks.

I say that but whether I would or not....

Its a bloody awkward position to be in.

In truth I suppose I'd ask the friend who accidentally let it slip, see if you can find out why you weren't invited. She will have been sure to ask, given that she was surprised you weren't attending.

I’d definitely carry on as normal and invite everyone for NYE, including dinner party hosts. I’d need to see if everyone would accept or if there’d be several mysterious declines.

I’d stick with the hosting

I’d ring the person who didn’t ask you for C’mas and say, I’m about to send out NY invites. I know you didn’t ask us for C’mas so I wanted to know what the issue was. Then they say whatever. Then you can say would you prefer not to come for NY then.

Then I would say to a couple of people you are closer to in the group - eg the person who thought you were invited - that you did feel odd about it, and you did mention it as you hope the group events would continue. That’s important as it will establish with the group you have the higher ground and should stop any further funny business.

Yes, stay STRONG (i know that sounds dramatic) but you're a part of this group and don't exclude yourselves. It may not work out long term but organise something early April ish and invite all the others. You could even ring the one who excluded you and say that as you're all part of a group you don't want to take it upon yourself to go ahead and squeeze anybody out of the group but you know that she omitted to include you at Christmas and with that out there, would she LIKE to be included in this, or would it feel more comfortable to pass this time?? This ONLY works if you're extremely confident and won't get upset.

oh yeh, given that there's a NY event, do this.

I think I’d phone and say hey you hope they can attend your nye thing but you want to check everything’s ok as they didn’t invite you to there’s and you’re not aware of a problem. Asking up front is better than assuming the worst

I'd probably uninvited the couple who had the party. I don't think everybody has to always invite everybody but in this case with everyone being part of the same group and them coming to your group NY's party it is weird and I would feel uncomfortable.

Do either of you have difficult dietary issues?
maybe their table only seats a certain number of people?

Uym another who'd call and ask if they still wanted to come on NY, given your lack of invitation. Check there hasn't been a misunderstanding...

Definitely this first paragraph. Make them sweat. Then depending on how they react you can decide what to do with the friendship. I agree with not cutting the others off without knowing they were clearly on board with it. I have been in the guests' position and it is really horrible and awkward when you turn up and discover somebody has been purposefully left out (and will clearly find out what's happened!).

From a similar experience a few years ago I realised that actually the rest of the group didn't give a shit, as long as they kept getting invitations from both sides.

I'd ask the person who asked what you're wearing, what's going on? To get kinda initial vibe on what is happening. Or ask husband to find out from whoever is his closest friend in the group

Clearly a lot of you have a lot more balls than me. I don't think I could bring myself to directly confront them.
For those suggesting a simple misunderstanding I really don't think so. This hasn't been mentioned in the WhatsApp group, absolutely nothing was on social media when usually it would be all over it etc.
I guess I shouldn't exclude myself from all the others but I'm hurt that none of them have mentioned our absence etc.
I think I'll try and talk to the friend who let it slip and see whats going on.

Do you think they may be planning a surprise for you?

Find the balls to ask them. It’s not fair to involve the friend who inadvertently told you about the party.