To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

It sounds like there's not a WhatsApp group otherwise OPs friend would've known she wasn't invited.

It's possible the other couples didn't know OP wasn't invited until the day and then didn't know how to handle it. Its possible that it wasn't all the couples and OPs friend misunderstood the invite. I wouldn't assume everyone is conspiring against OP just yet

I wouldn’t read too much into the fact that it hasn’t been discussed on WhatsApp or social media.

If I was invited to a group event that one couple had been left out of, I’d feel awkward about mentioning it and hurting anyones feelings. I’d probably still go to the event, and think the host was a bit mean and unnecessary to leave people out. But I wouldn’t take it upon myself to confront them and make a scene about why the left out couple should be there.

I wouldn’t leave people out. The others may have felt bad/weird about it. But it is ONLY the hosts to blame.

I wouldn’t ask them but I would do a careful think first. Usually there is a reason why you are not invited. In your case there is no way they’ve forgotten about you, considering the wedding situation- seems you were close enough for that. So something happened and it doesn’t mean you’ve offended them , they could be envious of you or whatever.

If nothing was mentioned in the WhatsApp group leading up to the party, then afterwards, Id assume everyone deliberately kept quiet knowing you hadn’t been invited.

No way I'd be hosting event for them without clearing the air first because it will come up then and it might not be pleasent.

I can state with absolute confidence that most people don't mind someone being ostracised and never question it. This state of affairs can continue for decades.

I attended a family funeral recently. People had brought along literally hundreds of photographs and many albums of family events. They stood round talking about how everyone was there and how great it was.

I'd been invited to none of them. There wasn't a single photograph that had me in it.

Also at the funeral, how wonderful it would be at 3 family weddings scheduled for next year so everyone could see eachother again. (Destination weddings. Invitations and logistics arranged a while back from the sound of it.)

It's not just the couple hosting. It was hidden from you by the vast majority as well. There's clearly an issue and I'd want to know what it was

spot on

I'd need to know why, and I wouldn't be hosting that couple at new year.

Now I’ve thought about it more, it does seem sneaky of everyone.

For those slagging off my approach it’s different for old friendships but relatively new ish local friends no I wouldn’t demand loyalty from the others in the group or get too emotionally invested. Totally agree with Biggles approach and I certainly wouldn’t say anything publicly in a group chat.

These type of threads come up fairly regularly and I always agree how hurtful it is, I would absolutely brood on it too. At a stretch, could their dinner table only sit 12 if it was a sit-down dinner party? Are you better off than them, sometimes people do it to put you in your place if they are jealous of you?
I would keep the NY party going if people have already accepted (what does your DH think?) but agree with a PP maybe send a private message to the hosts of the dinner party excusing them from the evening without un-inviting them.

This is exactly how I view friendships. Much less stressful. Much better for for it

Hi OP, when did you last met the hosting couple face to face and when did they and you last host a dinner party? If you can’t think of anything you may have done, what does your DH think? Do you think there is a possibility he has behaved inappropriately, e.g. getting drunk and flirting with the hostess etc.

Have this couple actually said they’re coming on NYE, OP? Because they must have some fucking nerve if they’re going to turn up in these circumstances. My feeling is there will be some last-minute reason why they can’t make it.

Personally, I’d go ahead with NYE and, if (big If) they do turn up, ask them how the drinks went the other week. No big confrontation - just let them know you know. You’ll know by their reaction if there was an oversight or if there is an issue. If you uninvite them, they can claim it’s “Six of one and half a dozen of the other” and invent a snub from your side that never really happened.

Ignore the advice to ask the friend who let slip about the party or, even worse, involving the whole group. Your friend probably already feels mortified and will hate being placed in the middle of all this. If you involve the whole group, it’s YOU causing a big drama instead of the people who failed to invite you - which may make your friends think that actually this couple are right to be wary of you.

If you really don’t want to go ahead with NYE, do as a couple of other posters have suggested and ask this couple - and only them - if you’ve offended them somehow and whether any misunderstanding can be cleared up. We can only be responsible for our own actions.

Just today I was wondering why some people just ghost others. Then realised that I have done the same. And there is a reason- main one is I have been repeatedly pissed off, explain why a certain behaviour is hurtful/ annoying, yet they continue to do the same as they are not capable of change. Sometimes it may not be anything particular the other person does, but it just doesn't sit well with you. In this case no explanation can be given as it means you are just not compatible

I dare OP to invite everyone else but the couple who didn't invite you and see the fallout . Yes I don't mind drama once in a while

12 out of 14 is definitely a pointed exclusion; pretty shitty of them.

I'm sorry. What does your DH think about it?

I think the responses on this thread are an excellent demonstration of how and why these things happen.
Someone does something and God forbid we act like adults and be direct with them about it. Oh no! Far better to be ask some one else about it, direct passive aggressive comments at them, indulge in some tit for tat, ignore it entirely, ignore them entirely, leave the group...
Chances are OP or her DH have 'done something' in someone's eyes and that someone has chosen to exclude them, because they too favour these silly games instead of acting like adults.

Send an email/message/whatsapp to all the group saying that you are sad to not have been invited. Wish them all well and to have a good new year. Don’t organise an event with these people. Enjoy your time together with your dh. Look to making new friends but I know that’s difficult so just do activities that don’t involve these people - walks, local groups etc

That sounds really strange - especially if you were a bridesmaid at the wedding! I think trust your gut and also give some benefit of the doubt. Are they the kind of people that would do something like this or is it out of character? Good to have a friendly chat and ask if something's happened. Always be nice and careful not to put the other friends in the middle or pressure them to take sides - and definitely have the new years event! It might be they have the wrong end of the stick about something and good to clear that up. Or they might not be very nice people in which case good to know and nothing lost - and you should definitely stay friends with the rest of the group! Sorry you're having to deal with this it's a horrible feeling and whatever the reason behind it - it's a poor way for them to behave!

If I was invited to a group event that one couple had been left out of, I’d feel awkward about mentioning it and hurting anyones feelings. I’d probably still go to the event, and think the host was a bit mean and unnecessary to leave people out. But I wouldn’t take it upon myself to confront them and make a scene about why the left out couple should be there.

I do stuff with different small groups of people and if someone invited me to something and I discovered one of the group had been deliberately not invited, I'd say something. I'd be very cross that they put me in that situation. It's mean and hurtful and changes the dynamic of the group moving forward.

Took the dogs for a frosty walk and reminded myself 4 legged friends are better than 2 legged ones anyway.
Thankyou for all the lovely advice, I am not going to cancel new year's or uninvite them but will be interesting to see if any last minute cancellations crop up.
I will also try to talk to the friend who let slip when I see her in person she is probably my closest friend in the group and seemed genuinely confused we weren't invited. Really hoping its just this couple and the others are all feeling awkward not knowing what to do.
DH is in the kill them with kindness camp if only to embarrass them if they do show up at new years.
Meanwhile I'm going to drink the fancy wine and eat the chocolates we'd bought them for Christmas and my new years resolution is to try and find some local friends outside this group so I don't feel quite so dependent on them.

I would just go ahead as planned with the NY get together. Don't let this couple determine whether you stay involved with this group or not. I like a previous poster's suggestion of saying to them "I understand if you can't come." It is hurtful when you feel like what seemed to be a group dynamic on equal footing suddenly reveals itself as having a hierarchy and someone put you down the list.

Well done OP, a sensible approach.

Dogs rule 😊

Keep your dignity. Don't ask. Host NYE for everyone but this couple. If anyone asks say as we were not invited to theirs thought they had a problem with us.

Perfect response to the situation

I totally agree. I cannot be bothered with people that masquerade as friends.
Personally I would cancel NYE at very very short notice and never bother with any of them again. They are not your friends.