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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt we weren't invited?

298 replies

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 11:39

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 20/12/2022 08:10

Could it be that the couple think that 14 is too much work for dinner? It is a massive group…
The other couples were in a difficult position- I suspect some didn’t want you to be hurt and hoped you wouldn’t hear about it. Awkward position for them but they could have said it wasn’t right…

Notonthestairs · 20/12/2022 08:21

It's not about being invited to everything is it?
7 couples spend years socialising as a 14 - so unless this was the hosts first ever dinner party i would assume they were capable of hosting 14.
The Op is close enough to the hostess to be her bridesmaid.
And suddenly - no known fall out - only 6 couples are invited to exchange Christmas gifts.
It's a change to their established pattern - as is avoiding social media if you normally post everything.

In those circumstances it would be strange to not wonder what happened.

Whytheego · 20/12/2022 08:50

SleeplessInEngland · 20/12/2022 07:59

And? Doesn’t mean she has to be invited to everything.

Show quote history

That’s really not that point , if it was a a distant friend or a friend of a friend maybe .

but if you have read the OP posts then it’s not the case , I never understand people who act like this wouldn’t bother them , how ?

Elaina87 · 20/12/2022 10:07

Hey - you have every right to feel hurt! Is there nothing you can think may have happened between them and your husband or anything like that? Personally I think I would have to ask them about it - send a message to whoever you feel closest to maybe and ask if there is something going on that you're not aware of and can talk about to make it right? Tell them you were hurt not to be invited and would never dream of not inviting them, so you're just not sure what's happened. I don't think I could let it go. Just cancelling your New Year party won't get anyone anywhere, it'll likely end up in some sort of stand off, so it's best to just be the bigger person and air it out now. x

pollymere · 20/12/2022 10:57

I'm wondering if they were worried about having thirteen guests so stopped at twelve? Or just didn't have the room? I didn't get invited to a wedding I was anticipating I'd get an invite for and I've seen friends have massive birthday parties and not invite me. The wedding one is oddly never mentioned, although I'm still really good friends with them. If you are really confused by it, I'd quietly ask your friend if you've done anything to upset her as you were surprised to not be invited. And do a NYD Open House. It's far more relaxed and if no one comes it doesn't matter. My Mum was famous for hers and would basically have friends around all day for nibbles, drinks and hangover cures. People would pop in for an hour from about eleven to six.

MinnieGirl · 20/12/2022 11:07

I can’t bear this sort of thing, and although I hate confrontation I would have to say something. If you don’t, it’s going to be there, the elephant in the room for ever.
I would just txt and say I do hope we haven’t inadvertently upset or offended you, and that’s why we weren’t invited to your party? Don’t like falling out with good friends, so please let us know if there is anything, and we can get it sorted.
The ball is then in her court. You’ve told her you know about the party and she now has to answer. How she answers, and the reason she gives would determine how I moved forward.

LovelyIssues · 20/12/2022 11:08

Op I would feel really hurt too! I wouldn't have the balls to ask outright either. I'd probably ask all the other members of the group if they were invited to make sure it wasn't just a select few and they wanted a smaller gathering.

Ellis8616 · 20/12/2022 20:45

I really hate to hear things like this…friendship groups aren’t always easy but what you’ve experienced sounds really hurtful. I think it is absolutely fine to break off and do things in smaller groups as many have already said, but leaving out one couple and inviting all others sends a clear message. And surely the host couple would know that!? What frustrates me even more is that nobody else in the group has said anything! When people are of the opinion ‘ooooh I don’t want to get involved/take sides’ but actually, by not saying anything their silence suggests support of the behaviour of the hosts! You can be tactful in speaking to friends on awkward topics and I’m so sorry that none of the others in the group have spoken up or spoken to you. If it was me, I’d have to ask another friend in the group for a bit of guidance before sending a message to the host. But ultimately, I think you just need to ask the host outright. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘I was surprised to hear you had a party with the whole group, bar me and DH. I’m sure you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for leaving just us off the list but without mentioning to me, I’m sure you can appreciate that it feels a bit off. Just checking there isn’t an issue we don’t know about?’

Bluebelle100 · 21/12/2022 12:39

Plastic people do you really need any of these people. Find some genuine people as not one of them said anything to you about no invite, one accidently let it slip and i would question their motive too

MrsTumblebee · 21/12/2022 12:48

Courgeon · 19/12/2022 18:40

I feel for you op. Years ago I was drawn into a friendship "group" via my husband as they were his friends. Just recently I've realised I only actually get on well with one other couple and like a couple of the other blokes as in they're nice guys but have Jack shit in common with their boring, gossipy small minded wives. I've developed my own friendships now mostly individual rather than a "group". I think friendship groups can be toxic and harmful to your own wellbeing!

We're having a Xmas drinks gathering this week and I've not invited one couple on the WhatsApp group I've set up as the wife has recently been horrifically rude to me and I rarely get invited to their mumsy gatherings. DH will invite the husband individually he's welcome but not her. After her behaviour towards me I'm past caring if it causes awkwardness. I expect it will be the woman's doing in your situation op, the jealousy that goes on between women is horrible.

But surely the first thing he’ll do is tell his wife they’ve been invited for drinks unless your husband tells him the invitation only applies to him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/12/2022 19:28

OP, if you're still reading, did you ever hear back from the friend you messaged?

Hope your week is going well!

Mexicola · 21/12/2022 20:25

@Snowpea987 any
update from your friend?

Honeypickle · 05/01/2023 11:54

@Snowpea987 how was your NYE party?

SwingandaPrayer · 05/01/2023 16:53

I'm lying in bed poorly and need an update on this thread or else I can't move on! Hate this kind of behaviour (the excluding stuff, not the not-concluding-a-thread stuff).

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/01/2023 21:26

Yes, I'd love an update too!

Naddd · 05/01/2023 22:20

MulledWineAndMingePies · 18/12/2022 12:03

I'd invite them, be the bigger person and be all smiles and "Hiiiii, how are you? I heard you had a fab party the other night! Lovely!" And leave them stood there feeling like pricks.

I say that but whether I would or not....

Its a bloody awkward position to be in.

In truth I suppose I'd ask the friend who accidentally let it slip, see if you can find out why you weren't invited. She will have been sure to ask, given that she was surprised you weren't attending.

I have done this and you know what happened?

The person who told me was blamed for telling me!!!

People who do this know what they are doing. It's not like they've forgotten to ask you're deliberately excluded.

This person i used to have the utmost respect for, known her all my life. I think it was due to me saying about how id not been invited to a get together, we talked and everything was fine then she deliberately didn't invite me to another get together.

pillow56 · 05/01/2023 23:59

People who do this know what they are doing. It's not like they've forgotten to ask you're deliberately excluded

this, I don't get on mn how people appear to be in denial in these threads that the op wasn't invited deliberately. There is no lost invitation, miscommunication or mistake. The truth is you aren't wanted there, it's shit and feels awful but it's the truth.

Even though it might be just 1 person it feels like a betrayal that the rest of them go without you at some level. It's like they are complicit and yes it just taints and tarnishes the friendship forever.

pillow56 · 06/01/2023 00:02

OP I've recently been in exactly your position: rest of group (couples) were invited to a gathering, my hubby and I excluded. Another of the friendship circle let drop that a party was happening and asked what we were wearing... I was absolutely heartbroken; I honestly thought that that whole group was My Tribe. Again, similar to you, I've realized it's important to now invest in other friendships

yes but the problem is that even with new friendships you find that you lose your trust in people. The sense of betrayal and the loss of trust remains so it damages future friendships as you lose the ability to trust people.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2023 02:06

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 11:39

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

How about an update?

Hottubby · 12/01/2023 18:58

@Snowpea987 how did it go? I’ve been thinking about you as I have had a similar situation on the past ands it so incredibly hurtful.

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 19:03

Op are you sure it was 12 of the 14 invited?

Gagaandgag · 18/01/2023 19:27

Would also love an update op

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/01/2023 02:08

I've been wondering about this as well.

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