To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

Not nice behaviour. Hard and all as it is I would invite them. Try and get as much info out of the one you are most friendly with and don't ask anyone else about it. And if they come to your get together ask them with a big smile on your face, as you are handing them a drink, how their evening went. Kill them with kindness and make them feel like sh!t. Even if they have a good reason for excluding you, they have handled it badly.

Well, I think you either need to say something or essentially suffer with the “never knowing”. I know it’s tough and awkward but a “hey, have we done something to upset you?” Although I think the friend who let slip might probably tell the hosts that they did so, and it could instigate a conversation from them.

either way, yes I think anyone would find that upsetting. You’re right nobody “needs” to be invited to everything but equally, not inviting someone isn’t normal?

Great response.

@CloudyYellow that's how I would handle it too.

I wouldn't waste anytime with these people, they're not friends.

The emotional response and the one I admit I'd be prone too as hate this sort of shit is to cancel NYE. No doubt it will cost you money and be stressful and why put yourself out.
But I know that's the nuclear option and my dh wouldn't allow it but I'd never trust them again

A PP mentioned this upthread but could it just be that they have a slightly different social set? Which somewhat overlaps but isn’t identical?

I have a group of friends not dissimilar to this, some couples some singles and some who were together and are now with other people. We have regular get togethers between us but it’s not always the whole group; sometimes it’s all of us but sometimes it’s just two of the couples and one single and two other people from outside the set etc. I get invited to a fair amount of these gatherings but not all and if I learn that x,y and z have had dinner without me I just shrug. It’s their right.

I understand how this was hurtful because you were the only couple not invited but in big friendship groups I don’t think there’s any automatic entitlement to be a part of absolutely everything. Sometimes there are little “splinter groups” etc. It may feel a bit of a snub but friendships are organic and there has to be space for people to chooses some but not all of the people.

Over time it often gets harder to keep the integrity of these groups anyway as couples split up, move away etc and you just can’t afford to be too precious about this.

I would just leave it be: invite or don’t invite for NYE as you see fit but don’t expect some explanation or rapprochement. They have a right to invite whom they want and ultimately, while it may sting a bit, that’s their right and their business.

If there hadn't really been any posting, how do you know all the other couples were invited? Maybe it was just 2 or 3. Your friend who let it slip clearly didn't know who all was going or not going.

Agree with this.

I think it's bloody rude. It makes it awkward for everyone afterwards, especially it they accepted assuming it would be the normal gang attending
The couple have put themselves in a very bad light

Yes. No one wants to rock the boat. It's much like no one will confront a bully.

@Snowpea987
OP if there is an issue there's only one proper adult way to find out. Ask the person directly.
"Hey, have my DH or I insulted you or your DH? You invited everyone to your party last week except us. Do we need to clear the air on anything?"
Do it in person. It's the only way.
Trying to sneak around for an answer increases drama and puts others in an awkward position. You'll just wonder if people are talking about you, don't really like you, etc. And if they weren't talking before they'll start. However, if you and I were particularly close I'd have told you what's what already anyway. I'd also start branching out friendship-wise. Chin up.

@Snowpea987
You are hurt that none of them mentioned your absence.

It's really tricky.
If C is having a party and X is invited to it but Y, a friend of X and C who thinks they too should be invited are not, and X is also surprised that Y isn't invited. What does X do ?
I've been X. Agh !!!
I don't speak of a party unless someone else brings it up.

The simplest explanation is usually the most likely so in this case, I don’t think you missed a message (as there were none) or there was a misunderstanding (if there had been, surely they would have contacted you afterwards and said sorry and that you were missed etc). They invited literally everyone else except you. This was deliberate. But why? - you could drive yourself mad speculating but the only way you’ll know for sure is by asking the couple involved.

If these are good friends then you should feel comfortable enough to ask them. You can do this calmly and politely. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. A simple, “hey there! X said you had a party last week- sounds fab. I wanted to ask you if we had done something to upset you as we weren’t invited and it would have been lovely to see you all before Christmas. Is everything ok?”. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them and talking freely then are they really true friends? I don’t think it’s a good idea asking others to find out, involving other people just creates more drama and 2nd hand info which may or may not be accurate. If you want to know if you’ve upset someone then ask them. These people are supposed to be your friends so if you don’t feel at ease talking to them about it then that says quite a lot about the quality of that particular friendship.

Personally, I’d have to know because if there was an issue I’d like the opportunity to deal with it rather than letting it fester.

Hmm I think your 'good friend' who let it slip has been sneaky and sly too, then feigning confusion about why you weren't invited. Bullshit, I think she knows exactly why. Let's face it, it surely would have been brought up at the gathering!

Personally I'd find it very hard to host a NYE party for all of them knowing that they had all colluded with the arsehole hosts.

@Acheyknees Tee, hee, I’d be so tempted to do this, but I’m not sure whether I’d have the nerve! They totally deserve it though, how nasty.

As PP’s have said, OP, go ahead with your NY’s party, there’s no reason to drop your entire friendship group due to one couple’s poor behavior. I’d try to find out what’s going on though, and tbh, the best approach would be to ask the couple directly.

Everything she said.

What they have done is quite shitty @Snowpea987 and you don't need BALLS to just ring them and ask why you were excluded! No WAY would I let this go. There's a reason you weren't invited, and if I were you, I would want to know what it is!

I am really sorry for you. What a nasty thing to have happen.

If it had been a missed message they would have contacted you asking where you were or if you received it.

My brother and his wife were recently not invited to a holiday party hosted by their regular friend group. It turned out that my brother's ex wife was in town to see her family over the holidays and she was invited. These people were also close friends when she and my brother were married. They had not seen her in several years and wanted to include her. Out of respect for my brother, they chose not to invite my brother and his wife to this event.
The hosts were not intending to hurt anyone. They just had an opportunity to include an old friend of who they were fond ,and did not want anyone to feel uncomfortable. My brother only found out after the event, and he fully understood. He was actually happy that the group had a chance to host their old friend, and he would not have wanted any one to feel uncomfortable.

Host the New Year thing, but don't invite the people who excluded you. If anything is said, just say you thought they had dumped you as friends because of their exclusion.

They have excluded you & there must have been a separate WhatsApp set up to organise it. They also haven't posted any pics on social media. I know not everyone does this but this group clearly do.

Either you or DH have upset hosts - it really could be anything tbh.

I would carry on with NYE but make a resolution to meet new friends as this seems unpleasant for you.

Most times when this has happened to me in the past then me/partner has offended someone or they’ve offended him or it’s jealousy.

I wouldn’t want to ask what’s happened but then also I wouldn’t want them at my party and being faux nice to me.

Exactly this

I would not want to see in the new year with these horrors.

How can you be sure of who was invited? The friend who let slip obviously didn't know the guest list, and you've seen nothing about it on social media so you can't be sure you were the only ones excluded.

Unless the foot in mouth friend did know the guest list (they'd need to so they'd know who to take gifts for for the swap), and they told you exactly who was going to be there. In which case they should have kept their mouth shut instead of telling tales.

Either it's a deliberate shun, or you've been misled about what the gathering was and it wasn't everyone but you. There's only one way to find out what happened, so you'll have to be brave and ask. These are long-standing friends, so they're not going to be shocked by you asking if you've upset them.

Excluded couple were recently bridesmaid and usher at their wedding for gods sake, don't you want to know what's happened since then?