To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

I know it's slightly game-playing but I'd put a message on the whatsapp group suggesting that you all do your gift exchange at the NY party and is everyone ok with that? Then someone will have to say they've all already done it and it will open the door to a conversation about the other party. I don't think I could bring myself to ask the couple directly (I wish I could, but I am not good with confrontation) but I could do it if the way was paved for me like that...

I would invite the rest of the group and specifically not invite the couple that hosted that dinner party. I may say something after the fact like “oops.” Or if you’ve already sent the invite, send just them a message saying you are canceling their invite. Yes, it’s probably petty, but I would also let them know that you don’t invite people into your home that obviously don’t feel the need to invite you into theirs.

OP I've recently been in exactly your position: rest of group (couples) were invited to a gathering, my hubby and I excluded. Another of the friendship circle let drop that a party was happening and asked what we were wearing... I was absolutely heartbroken; I honestly thought that that whole group was My Tribe. Again, similar to you, I've realized it's important to now invest in other friendships. It's truly shite - you have my sympathies.

I’d still continue with the NE Party. Raise your glass to everyone in the room, wish them a happy new year and an inclusive 2023. I’d also say I just hope we’ve managed to make as much of as a memorable night you all told us and did! Cheers and see what comes from that!!

Listen to that abcdef you song by Gayle on Spotify- makes me feel better anyway!

Meant to read “friend and husbands name” did

Do you know for certain that you were definitely the only couple not invited? If your friend mistakenly assumed you were going, that assumes she wasn’t privy to the guest list before the event. Did you confirm after it happened that it was just you?

As others have said, inviting 4 out of 7 couples to an event isn’t the same as excluding one.

I think I would go ahead with New Year. If you hadn’t already issued the invites and only mentioned it to the group in passing then maybe you could cancel, but rescinding the invites could feed into the drama. However, I would double check the RSVPs individually (playing ignorant about the missed party) as I wouldn’t put it past mean hosts to stage a rival event and split the group. You might even get something out of mean hosts about their exclusion.

It’s happened to me before though, and it does make you feel shitty. Hope you can find some better friends going forward.

YANBU to be upset, it is v annoying, but to let you know this kind of thing does seem to happen a lot and I have seen this done to myself and others on more than one occasion in dinner party scenarios. Some people have taken offence and not spoken to the people again, but then have found the self cut off from the group, whereas I let it slide didn’t mention it or let it bother me and moved on. Consequently I have actually been invited to subsequent events held by said couple and all is forgotten about. At the end of the day it really is up to the host who they choose to invite to their parties and nothing anyone can do about it, perhaps they want to keep to numbers or want to socialise with a slightly different group dynamic in certain occasions who knows? , and taking offence doesn’t really help you and also gives them power over you too. Continue with your party and socialise with whoever you like and just be aware that said couple maybe aren’t as good friends or trustworthy as you thought and focus your energies on others who may be more more honest and look at expanding your network so you have more social options and not so reliant on a few people who may be hiding things from you.

I always wonder how the conversation would play out on the evening when the other friends realized you weren't invited, I.E.: 'Oh, you didn't invite Jack and Sue? That's a surprise, they are always here???".

What did the hosts say?!

I’d be annoyed and would probably message and ask if they can still make your party as you heard they had other plans. I would emphasise not to worry about attending etc etc. so they know that you know about them missing you off.
I would feel a good friend would explain why you weren’t invited etc. An acquaintance would not. I wouldn’t want them in my home if they had made me feel awkward.

How rude, for whatever reason they deliberately excluded you and at the same time have created an awkward situation with the rest of the friendship group who now don't know how to act upon realising you were not invited. I would address it directly with the host couple - "We heard about the party and were surprised to not have been invited. Have we offended you in some way as it would have been nice to try and work things out? We understand that you may not want to attend our gathering in the NY." Turn it around and make them feel ashamed and awkward. I would speak to the close friend too and find out what the reaction was from the other couples and see whose loyalties lie where. I certainly wouldn't host a bunch of people who were badmouthing me behind my back.

The others might just have kept quiet on social media etc because they don’t want to rub it into ops face and are embarrassed about the whole not being invited thing. They might be totally on ops side and shocked they weren’t invited for all we know.

Do you really believe that? Why would you leave out just one couple ?

I am seeing/hearing so much of this with people lately , I don’t get it , why exclude one couple from a group meet up , it’s just not ok - for peace of mind I would have to ask the host , I’m sorry but you don’t mean that much to them for them to do that , I would at least want to know why .

Ok so you don’t know if you were the only uninvited couple? It’s possible the hosts just wanted something smaller. On the other hand and I’m sure you’ve been doing this can you recall anything which may have offended them? Is it possible DH has done something without realising? He has a longer history with them so could be that something old from the past has been raised? Even an emotional circumstance he could be unaware of? Would he be honest with himself and you? It would explain your friend not knowing what’s going on. Old friendships often have complicated dynamics. Beyond that I would definitely advise you to broaden your friendship horizons and make some friends who are just for you. I don’t think you can retaliate until you understand what this is about. You don’t explain what DH ‘s take is?

It might not be an issue with OP but with DH . The trouble with couple relationships.

Yes my thoughts if not this exactly. We need to know whether DH has any ideas of what may be going on here.

I think telling the OP to "grow up" because she doesn't know how to deal with this situation is just plain rude - and very insensitive.

We are not all the same - some people have from childhood learned to be assertive, whereas others have been taught that assertiveness is an undesirable character trait (I think this is particularly so for girls/women). Of course, we should all be able to throw off these sorts of learned behaviours but it really isn't that easy. And making someone feel small isn't likely to help - or perhaps it isn't intended to help - those who make such comments just enjoy feeling superior.

I think it is a horrible situation to be in - so confusing and hurtful. Many people seem to have theories as to why the OP and her husband have been excluded but really the only way to know for sure is to ask the hosts. As others have said, if you can possibly pluck up the courage to calmly ask why you have not been invited, that is probably the only way to know how to react. It is a perfectly natural thing to feel upset and curious about because nobody else has been excluded.

I agree that you should go ahead with the new year's eve party and that you should invite some new people who may well appreciate your offer and who may become new friends.

This is harsh. I wouldn’t be that direct without finding out a bit more. If it’s a completely reasonable exclusion ie others weren’t invited or it wasn’t a party exclusively for this friendship group you could be the first person introducing an awkward over sensitive issue. OP can snoop a bit first. If it seems as she is suspecting THEN address it directly to the couple. I think that’s the more grown up reaction not immediately loading in.

This..this is what I did. Never breathed a word or showed that I was at all miffed to anyone.
Invited the whole group, they all turned up, no one mentioned it. But they knew I knew. There was a slight atmosphere, a guarded feeling from them all.. but I was the perfect host, DH played along, they began to relax and it turned out to be a good evening.
As they were all leaving I gave each one a card with my email, mobile and house no’s…”Just in case you’ve lost our details”.

It never happened again.

Maybe the female host is secretly jealous of you? Sadly this happened to me. We were excluded from a long standing group because the new girlfriend had an issue with me.

You've sent the invites so you've got to go ahead. Towards the end of the party I would chink chink a glass, and just ask why you and DH were not included in the Christmas party. You need to address this issue or it will rent a space in your head.

Why on earth would you want to be friends with people like that 😕

Why on earth would you want to be friends with people like that

And? Doesn’t mean she has to be invited to everything.