To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

A surprise that could only be planned over a full on Christmas dinner party?

Sometimes not everyone has the same group

say, to you these 8 are your group, but to the hosts they maybe have another group that overlaps with yours but does not include you

i have various WhatsApp groups that overlap, but are not the same

How close are you to these hosts? Maybe they just don’t see you as their inner circle of friends?

it’s rare for 8 people to all be equally close to one another and have no friends outside the “group”

That’s my experience anyway

I think asking them why you were not invited us bad advice. Would anyone really do that?

Good idea to speak to the friend who mentioned it, if you can't face asking the hosts.
Let her know it's upset you to be left out.
If they are planning a surprise for you, as PP suggested, they shouldn't allow it to make you feel bad.

I’d be hurt too, but there’s no way I would cancel NYE over it.

It's hurtful but I'd try to keep as much drama out of it as possible. No need to exclude the other couples, just stop thinking of everyone as a big homogenous social gang. Go ahead with NYE and invite who you want to. Invite the host couple who missed you off - or don't (whatever makes you feel most comfortable).

Try not to treat the other couples as piggies-in-the-middle. They aren't responsible for the hosts' choices and it's not really their business who someone else invites to a party. It's clear at least some of them weren't even aware you were going to be excluded.

Bollox are they planning a surprise, that is a very unlikely and slightly mean suggestion

i really think asking why you are not invited is generally such a bad idea

it’s like we tell our kids: you can’t expect to be invited to everything

I’d just accept you and host are not close friends, no harm done

invite to your own do exactly who you like

Such a mean thing to do . I don't know what goes through peoples heads sometimes .

yes I agree with @TiddlesTheTiger could you go back to that friend and ask her?

text her now and get back to us, im really bored.

Thanks 😉

Why is a dinner party between close friends all over social media, ever? Do those who go get too drunk to remember it happened? Why do you have to share with 00's of other contacts that you had dinner with a bunch of your friends?

Misses point of thread.

Don’t stitch yourself up and cancel
your NYE event. I understand it’s hurtful but I really don’t think the whole of a large group needs to invite the whole of the group to everything. Do you see either of the other couple one to one or as two couples? Do you text individually or only on group WhatsApp chats?
It’s pretty common to be closer to some of the group than others.

Hurtful, but I agree with those saying just be the bigger person and invite who you want to your own party. The other couple will no doubt realise you have found out so will have to say something eventually.

They have created another whatapp group and private social media page for phot sharing deliberately to exclude you. So I'd go ahead with the planned dinner and not invite them.

Are you a vegan or gluten intolerant or anything like that?

God this is really awful. I would confront directly or you'll be wondering forever. And I agree with not cutting off from the rest of the group.
Some people really don't grow up after high school.

Really hurtful but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. I know one couple in our larger friendship group don’t like us and we don’t like them either - caught her trying to nick a bottle of my champagne once at my party and she knows I know. We quietly don’t invite each other to stuff we host. Don’t want to risk my other lovely local friendships over it though.

If it was inviting people over for dinner rather than to a party they were hosting it is a bit different - I could have plenty of people at my house for a party but no more than 6 for dinner because we lack the chairs and crockery.

Could it be as simple as logistics?

If it's 6 sets of couples (rather than 6 people who are couples)....with a group that big I'd expect certain couples or individuals to be closer to some and not others. Maybe they just invited their closest friends and you and your partner happen not to be that. Having 12 people over is a lot to host for.

Again? You already posted about this very recently didn't you OP?

I don't know why people do this. You didn't miss the point of the thread. You just wanted to feel superior. You do know this is very obvious to all those who read your posts right? Very few will have read your post and thought "oh yes she has missed the point but actually I think the point she makes is the key takeaway point here isn't she calm and amazing and better than the OP". Most will have thought...something less positive

I wouldn't read the not sharing on social media as keeping it hidden- the other couples already knew you weren't invited because of the friend who asked you what you would be wearing.

It could well be that some folks are uncomfortable at you being excluded and didn't want to run your noses in it by posting.

Watch out for confirmation bias -if you are feeling excluded from the group, you are liable to read all sorts of things negatively.

So sorry OP - I hurt a bit for you on this. Just experienced something similar and it made me really sad and questioning of me / my family and how we’re viewed. I got myself out of it by focusing on my lovely family and the fact that I just wasn’t going to get into friend politics - be kind and inclusive, have fun - you can’t control what anyone else does but you can control your reaction and action x

How mean 😔

For those suggesting perhaps we aren't as close as we thought, part of overlapping groups etc. 12 months ago I was a bridesmaid and DH an usher at the wedding so the lack of invite is really odd. I have texted the other friend she is probably who I'm closest to in the group.
I don't believe everyone has to be invited to everything we regularly do things in much smaller groups 1 to 1 etc. But 12 people out of 14 just feels very harsh.

Honestly my advice is to massively lower your expectations of friends. I see ours as a lovely bonus don’t invest emotionally (have Dh and my sisters for that) then if you are left out you genuinely won’t care but can take pleasure in the events you are included in. It’s a reset from the ride or die intense friendships in teens or early twenties. It’s different.