Page 3 | To be hurt we weren't invited?

Snowpea987 · 2022-12-18T11:39:45+00:00

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his. I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited. I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden. I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/12/2022 13:15

RosesAndHellebores · 18/12/2022 12:49

Why is a dinner party between close friends all over social media, ever? Do those who go get too drunk to remember it happened? Why do you have to share with 00's of other contacts that you had dinner with a bunch of your friends?

Misses point of thread.

What's the point of your comment?

MarshaMelrose · 18/12/2022 13:15

Do you know for sure that all the 6 other couples were invited and not just 3 or 4 couples?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/12/2022 13:16

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 13:11

For those suggesting perhaps we aren't as close as we thought, part of overlapping groups etc. 12 months ago I was a bridesmaid and DH an usher at the wedding so the lack of invite is really odd. I have texted the other friend she is probably who I'm closest to in the group.
I don't believe everyone has to be invited to everything we regularly do things in much smaller groups 1 to 1 etc. But 12 people out of 14 just feels very harsh.

It feels harsh because it is OP. I wouldn't be inviting them to events you host

Ellie1015 · 18/12/2022 13:18

That is hurtful. Sounds like the others didnt realise you weren't invited and i suspect they are trying to avoid upsetting you by not posting on social media rather than hiding it for any unkind reason.

Distance yourself from the couple who excluded you but I wouldnt cancel hosting next one or split from group.

Newwardrobe · 18/12/2022 13:18

Definitely ask one of the others, surely someone must have asked where you were.

Glassofwhatever · 18/12/2022 13:22

I'd be upset too. Happened to me about 5 years ago and I still remember how hurt I felt as I found out and gradually realised we'd been left out. I couldn't bring myself to ask why tbh, I did ask mutual friends which was awkward, they didn't know why and I do believe them and still close to them to this day, but def not so the person who left us out. We'd had a horrible week and that just finished it off for me 😔 hugs for you xx

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 18/12/2022 13:22

I'd still go ahead and host your event. I'd want to know if it was just the hosting couple that have taken against you and therefore not burn bridges with four other couples. It certainly would upset me though.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 18/12/2022 13:22

I totally understand how you feel. We moved to a new area, made a great group of friends. Few years down the line one couple seemed to decide they didn’t like us and started dropping us from things they organised. I was really gutted and upset and really worried it meant we’d be dropped by everyone. In the end I just ignored it. I make no comment when they do organise stuff without us. I do not mention it or them to anyone ever (do not want to be accused of bitching) and when we are at events jointly with the others we’re 100% polite. I know it’s hard but take a deep breath, don’t feed any drama and know that eventually others will clock on quietly and see them in a poor light. 💐

Youwhatnowbiggles · 18/12/2022 13:23

And absolutely don’t cancel your party, that’s feeding the drama and cutting g off your nose. Grey rock it!!

LonginesPrime · 18/12/2022 13:23

Have you asked DH what he knows?

You say they were his friends first so perhaps he might have heard something you haven't.

And are you sure he didn't decline an invitation on behalf of both of you and then forgot to mention it? Have you discussed it with him?

FoodieToo · 18/12/2022 13:23

I would just ask them why you weren't invited . It sounds like you are a close group and 12 out of 14 is VERY odd. THere is definitely some issue . If it was logistics surely they would have mentioned it and apologised.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2022 13:26

TheaBrandt · 18/12/2022 13:11

Honestly my advice is to massively lower your expectations of friends. I see ours as a lovely bonus don’t invest emotionally (have Dh and my sisters for that) then if you are left out you genuinely won’t care but can take pleasure in the events you are included in. It’s a reset from the ride or die intense friendships in teens or early twenties. It’s different.

Not everyone has loving siblings and supportive partner unfortunately and friendships are much needed to perform this role.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 18/12/2022 13:26

Christmas card with glitter bomb sent ASAP...
And host your party for all but them.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2022 13:33

I know it’s probably scary to ask them directly but there’s no other way. Just text and say “Hey, I heard you guys had a get together and we weren’t on the invite list? Just wondering if we’ve upset you in some way? Keen to sort things out if so!”

Be brave. Stick up for yourself, no one else will (it’s no one else’s job).

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/12/2022 13:37

In the WhatsApp group:

Hi everyone, all ready for Christmas? The kids are getting very excited now. I've been a bit worried about why I wasn't invited to the Christmas dinner you all had. Have I done something to upset you all?

Can you send something along those kind of lines?

LongLostTeacher · 18/12/2022 13:40

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2022 13:33

I know it’s probably scary to ask them directly but there’s no other way. Just text and say “Hey, I heard you guys had a get together and we weren’t on the invite list? Just wondering if we’ve upset you in some way? Keen to sort things out if so!”

Be brave. Stick up for yourself, no one else will (it’s no one else’s job).

Best idea so far. Honesty often really is the best policy. Stating your truthful position in a clear and polite way will hopefully elicit an honest and respectful response from them.

SweetSakura · 18/12/2022 13:40

Youwhatnowbiggles · 18/12/2022 13:22

I totally understand how you feel. We moved to a new area, made a great group of friends. Few years down the line one couple seemed to decide they didn’t like us and started dropping us from things they organised. I was really gutted and upset and really worried it meant we’d be dropped by everyone. In the end I just ignored it. I make no comment when they do organise stuff without us. I do not mention it or them to anyone ever (do not want to be accused of bitching) and when we are at events jointly with the others we’re 100% polite. I know it’s hard but take a deep breath, don’t feed any drama and know that eventually others will clock on quietly and see them in a poor light. 💐

This strikes me as the most sensible approach

Rogue1001MNer · 18/12/2022 13:41

I'd be very hurt too.

Where you go from here is the question

Pismascrescents · 18/12/2022 13:41

That is super hurtful. I would confront it politely “I was disappointed that we weren’t invited. Have we offended you somehow?”

Pismascrescents · 18/12/2022 13:42

SweetSakura · 18/12/2022 13:40

This strikes me as the most sensible approach

Show quote history

I absolutely agree with this. Whatever the reason, bitching is a toxic spiral that will lose you other friends too. Rise above it

PuppyMonkey · 18/12/2022 13:43

TheaBrandt · 18/12/2022 13:11

Honestly my advice is to massively lower your expectations of friends. I see ours as a lovely bonus don’t invest emotionally (have Dh and my sisters for that) then if you are left out you genuinely won’t care but can take pleasure in the events you are included in. It’s a reset from the ride or die intense friendships in teens or early twenties. It’s different.

lol.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 18/12/2022 13:45

Still do the party but don’t invite those two. For some reason, they’ve decided they don’t like you so why would you want them in your house? We had this with one couple, it wasn’t a group. We had them for dinner and randomly they just left. We never heard from them again, despite us sending a message to say ‘hope you’re ok’ (it was supposedly a medical thing) Anyway, we saw the woman about three years later and she came over all smiley saying we ‘must arrange something’ and we both just said ‘tbh, we’re quite busy, let’s just leave it’.

forrestgreen · 18/12/2022 13:46

Get your dh to message the husband. Hopefully they'll have a straight forward conversation and then you can decide

NoelNoNoel · 18/12/2022 13:47

Hi everyone, all ready for Christmas? The kids are getting very excited now. I've been a bit worried about why I wasn't invited to the Christmas dinner you all had. Have I done something to upset you all?
They didn’t all ‘have’ the dinner one person hosted it, why involve the whole group?

Longlivemotherhood · 18/12/2022 13:47

If there is no misunderstanding then the entire friendship group is dodgy. If the couple had an issue they should have said, not drag everyone else into it by keeping secrets and for everyone to go along with it is horrible. I wouldn't have gone and told them they were all childish.