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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt we weren't invited?

298 replies

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 11:39

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 18/12/2022 13:48

I would probably add a PA message in the group that you can't wait for the New Year party as you haven't seen them all for ages and who else feels the same?

OTOH My DH wouldn't want me to do that in favour of asking the pair if there was an isseu.

Fusciainertia · 18/12/2022 13:48

Brilliant text but I'd send it direct to the host not the group.

PossiblyOverstepping · 18/12/2022 13:48

TheaBrandt · 18/12/2022 13:11

Honestly my advice is to massively lower your expectations of friends. I see ours as a lovely bonus don’t invest emotionally (have Dh and my sisters for that) then if you are left out you genuinely won’t care but can take pleasure in the events you are included in. It’s a reset from the ride or die intense friendships in teens or early twenties. It’s different.

Because everyone has close supportive families and understanding partners 🙄. My friends are more of a family to me than any blood relative

SNWannabe · 18/12/2022 13:49

Of course YANBU to be upset. But why don’t you just ask in the group chat that has everyone?

” Just heard you guys all had a party… I’m really upset about not being invited. What’s going on?”

Newwardrobe · 18/12/2022 13:52

I can't see the hosts being truthful if you ask them.

Letthesunshineonin · 18/12/2022 13:53

OP. You already have a thread about this. Can I ask why you have started a new one.

latetothefisting · 18/12/2022 13:53

RosesAndHellebores · 18/12/2022 12:49

Why is a dinner party between close friends all over social media, ever? Do those who go get too drunk to remember it happened? Why do you have to share with 00's of other contacts that you had dinner with a bunch of your friends?

Misses point of thread.

do you....not understand how social media works? It's like going 'but what's the point of an airplane, they just...fly and transport things from one place to another, I don't get it.' Sharing whatever you've been up to with people you know is literally the entire point of social media. Fine if you personally don't agree with it but I agree with
@threeowlsonashelf, spare us all the faux naivety particularly when it adds nothing to the thread and is just at attempt to bask in your own assumed moral superiority.

OP I too would be really hurt and would struggle not to say something. Fair enough people having smaller gatherings but to invite 5 out of 6 couples in a group is just cruel. I honestly can't think of any justifiable reason to do it, even if, as a pp said, they might not have had room - how many people can easily seat 10 but not manage to squeeze in 12, even if means bringing your own chair and use non matching plates? If they absolutely couldn't fit 12 they should have just had 2/3 couples over and alternated next year, or gone to a restaurant rather than hosting. Would your DH be better placed to ask the hosts seeing as they were originally their friends? Although it's not even them, it's all the others that also agree not to say anything to you.

When you say you were a bridesmaid/usher, was that for the hosting couple or for one of the other couples in the group?

PrinceHaz · 18/12/2022 13:54

I wouldn’t ask why. If they don’t like you, they don’t like you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I think, stick with your NYE plans if you still feel happy with the rest of the group and do as a previous poster suggested. Contact the excluding couple separately reminding them of the invite and stating you understand if they can’t make it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2022 13:54

There’s no way to control their response, it’s more about taking control for the OP and not feeling crushed and silenced.

Lovesnowforever · 18/12/2022 13:56

I would be really upset if this happened to me if you really so close.
I would definitely speak to the inviting person and asked her straight out what was the issue.
Clearly there’s some issue between you too which you may not be aware..

Fladdermus · 18/12/2022 13:58

NoelNoNoel · 18/12/2022 13:47

Hi everyone, all ready for Christmas? The kids are getting very excited now. I've been a bit worried about why I wasn't invited to the Christmas dinner you all had. Have I done something to upset you all?
They didn’t all ‘have’ the dinner one person hosted it, why involve the whole group?

Because the whole group were there. The whole group knew that the OP wasn't and the OP thinks the whole group are colluding in keeping it secret. So get it out in the open for the whole group to address.

mondaytosunday · 18/12/2022 13:59

I think invite everyone as usual and when that particular couple arrive I'd do as @MulledWineAndMingePies suggests - let them know you know they had a party but don't act like it affected you one bit that you weren't included.
Awfully late to be sending out invites for NYE though?

5128gap · 18/12/2022 14:00

Well there's something going on clearly. Which could range from an oversight (unlikely) to one of the group, and not necessarily the hosts, having a serious issue with one or both of you and asking for you to be left out.
There's no way I'd go into hosting NY without getting to the bottom of it. Its ridiculous and fake to pretend something so odd hasn't happened. Plus there may be a misunderstanding that needs addressing. I think so much angst could be spared by being direct. Whoever is closest to the host couple of you and DH, call them and ask.

HaddawayAndShite · 18/12/2022 14:02

Hmmm it’s difficult.

Do you know how everyone else was invited before writing off the others? I know you say friend was genuinely shocked but if say, there was another whatsapp group started then that’s very different from individual messages where no one else knew who was being invited. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to be hurt, I’d find it hard not to be upset with others but also understand that they’ve been put in a difficult position too.

user58202018484482910ugog19293843910 · 18/12/2022 14:02

Life is too short to be passive aggressive or welcoming to them.

They would not be invited to my house if it were me.

CarPoor · 18/12/2022 14:02

if you need your partner to show they are willing I wouldnt go message on the group or send any PA messages. A simple message to the host that you heard they had a get together and you weren't invited. You wondered why/if you've done anything to upset them and would like to sort it out

This works on several levels. Firstly it allows opportunity for any genuine reasons/misunderstandings to be sorted

Secondly it doesn't feed into any drama. It let's the excluders know you are aware, and you aren't prepared to play any silly games. It doesn't create extra things for them to bitch about and allows you to stand up for yourself. It will make the excluder feel more uncomfortable than you

It sounds like the other couples possibly weren't aware you weren't invited? I wouldn't cancel your new year's, that's cutting off your nose to spite your face and we have no idea exactly how the situation played out.

Lucia1234 · 18/12/2022 14:03

Acheyknees · 18/12/2022 11:54

I'd still invite everyone over at New Year but I'd send a PA invite to couple that didn't invite you saying 'understand if you can't make it'

Yes OP do this!

rothbury · 18/12/2022 14:03

If you are sure you were the only couple not invited then I would do what PP have suggested and ask directly if you/DH have done something to upset someone.

TurtleTriplets · 18/12/2022 14:03

Youwhatnowbiggles · 18/12/2022 13:22

I totally understand how you feel. We moved to a new area, made a great group of friends. Few years down the line one couple seemed to decide they didn’t like us and started dropping us from things they organised. I was really gutted and upset and really worried it meant we’d be dropped by everyone. In the end I just ignored it. I make no comment when they do organise stuff without us. I do not mention it or them to anyone ever (do not want to be accused of bitching) and when we are at events jointly with the others we’re 100% polite. I know it’s hard but take a deep breath, don’t feed any drama and know that eventually others will clock on quietly and see them in a poor light. 💐

I think this is the most perfect response. Dignified and not feeding the drama.

Don't cancel your get together, that would be doing their dirty work for them if they don't want you in the group!

gamerchick · 18/12/2022 14:03

It's not just the couple hosting. It was hidden from you by the vast majority as well. There's clearly an issue and I'd want to know what it was.

No way I'd be hosting event for them without clearing the air first because it will come up then and it might not be pleasent.

HaddawayAndShite · 18/12/2022 14:04

mondaytosunday · 18/12/2022 13:59

I think invite everyone as usual and when that particular couple arrive I'd do as @MulledWineAndMingePies suggests - let them know you know they had a party but don't act like it affected you one bit that you weren't included.
Awfully late to be sending out invites for NYE though?

It reads as if the party has been arranged and OP is in 2 minds to cancel, rather than it’s not been arranged yet.

Derbee · 18/12/2022 14:04

forrestgreen · 18/12/2022 13:46

Get your dh to message the husband. Hopefully they'll have a straight forward conversation and then you can decide

Yes, let the MANS fix this.

Too dangerous for the silly little women to take anything into their own emotional little hands.

zzzzzzzz

Lulu1919 · 18/12/2022 14:04

I too would feel hurt and upset
Host the NY party and invite all of your friends....see if the couple accept.
Then during the evening maybe just pop something into convo so they know YOU know and see reaction !!!

Ducksinthebath · 18/12/2022 14:07

Derbee · 18/12/2022 14:04

Yes, let the MANS fix this.

Too dangerous for the silly little women to take anything into their own emotional little hands.

zzzzzzzz

Show quote history

FGS it says in the OP he’s been part of the group longer. If they’re longer term friendships maybe he’s in a better position to ask.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 18/12/2022 14:07

I’d invite everyone else but not the offending culprits . See how they like it .

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