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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You'll just have to get on with it"

277 replies

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:02

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 17/12/2022 09:04

I get that he can't stay home from work to help.

Why not? You're worried you might pass out while looking after a toddler!

Pismascrescents · 17/12/2022 09:05

YANBU

Newuser82 · 17/12/2022 09:07

He should stay off from work to look after the toddler. It's ridiculous that he would think otherwise!

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:09

WeWereInParis · 17/12/2022 09:04

I get that he can't stay home from work to help.

Why not? You're worried you might pass out while looking after a toddler!

Because he has the least understanding family friendly employer in the entire world and they have already threatened him with disciplinary for previous time off with unwell toddler, and gave him a "warning" for his own ONE period of sickness this year when he had norovirus and didn't want to spread it around his workplace.

Think of the most misogynistic, unfamily friendly employer you can imagine, with literally zero regard for employee wellbeing. That's who he works for.

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 17/12/2022 09:10

I cannot fathom an instance my DH wouldn’t stay off work to care for me and his DC if this were me. Why can’t he? He sounds like an uncaring arse.

I wonder what he would expect you to do if the tables were turned?

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:10

But the problem isn't so much that he can't stay home to help, it's his "I don't care just get on with it attitude" that really gets to me. When I'm literally feeling the worst I've felt this year.

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 17/12/2022 09:11

If he said that to me while my head was in a bucket, I'd walk out the door and say "No, you get on with it for a change. See you tomorrow".

RedHelenB · 17/12/2022 09:12

Difficult to judge. I was single parent with no support so yes, I would just have to get on with it. You do sound as though your catastrophising from your post. Stick the telly on , get some snacks for LO and rest on the sofa. Hi straight to bed when he gets back in, his turn to suck it up.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:12

I'm honestly considering LTB if I hear that phrase one more time when I'm unwell. It's not the first time.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 17/12/2022 09:13

My ‘DH’ would have scuttled off to his precious job too.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2022 09:14

It doesn’t sound like he’s very kind to you or sees you as a team

donttellmehesalive · 17/12/2022 09:14

Did he used to be kind and caring?

Hobbesmanc · 17/12/2022 09:14

It does sound like a horrid start to the day. But I imagine if he's employed by such a grim company, he's probably always stressed about his attendance etc. Whack the heating on and dose up with lemsip. This will pass x

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:14

@RedHelenB

But you're missing the point. I know I have to just get on with it. I don't need him to tell me that, because that's the only choice I have. So why can't he say something more caring or empathic? Like "I'm sorry I can't be around, you must be really anxious about managing by yourself today feeling so rough", etc. Something as small as that would be enough to communicate that he at least cares about me ffs!

OP posts:
SeveruslyFrazzled · 17/12/2022 09:16

He’s been very cruel and you deserve better.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:16

donttellmehesalive · 17/12/2022 09:14

Did he used to be kind and caring?

He has his moments of showing a caring side, but they are usually prompted by an argument about him making comments such as this. I point out he's come across like an uncaring arse, he apologises, and then he does it again. Like today.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 17/12/2022 09:17

I think the difference between a decent person and your partner is that the former would have found another job by now.

I’m sorry you’re so unwell and that he’s not, at the very least, recognised what you do for the family. Is there anyone else that can take DC for the morning?

Marmitepot · 17/12/2022 09:18

This is so shit OP. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s hell looking after little ones when you’re so ill.

as for his employer,if he’s employed then he should get parental leave and other things like that surely? Aren’t there laws about this kind of thing? What if ever you or your little one were in hospital or something?

RosaGallica · 17/12/2022 09:18

On this alone, he is caught between a rock and a hard place, as are you. What’s needed is to find a different job with a more reasonable employer.

Rafting2022 · 17/12/2022 09:19

Why are you with him? What’s he adding to your life?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2022 09:20

I hate the 'I was a single parent and just got on with it so you should too' posts

The OP has a partner. You support each other in a partnership
There are different degrees of illness and different people need a different amount of support anyway
Everyone has a point where they can no longer just get on with it. Everyone.

Yes what he said was really unhelpful. I wonder if he is frustrated about the situation with his job and the fact he can't help. My husband is a bit like this...jumps to practical solutions or pointless phrases as he thinks this will cheer me up. I just want some empathy and someone to give me a hug and say 'poor you, that is shit, if you can just get through the day I'll do everything tonight' or something. I have had to tell him in the past that's what I'm looking for and now he is a bit better.

I hope you feel better soon OP. And it sounds like your husband has to look for another job...getting a warning for being off with noro is insane

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:20

@Marmitepot

I did say what if I ended up in hospital. He said that's different as it's an emergency so work would let me go, but they aren't going to let me go for this.

@PaterPower

We've argued over him finding another job before, too. He won't because he enjoys the work.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:21

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Yes exactly! That's precisely all I want from him. Empathy. We've had this conversation so many times though, nothing changes.

OP posts:
Marmitepot · 17/12/2022 09:21

What is his job?

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/12/2022 09:21

I think you are triggering each other a bit: he does sound very unkind and uncaring and I would feel upset and resentful but in the kindest possible way you are catastrophising a bit and this probably makes him feel helpless and stressed.

I think you should sit down and talk about it when you are feeling calmer.

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