"You'll just have to get on with it"

[sofedupofthisshit]

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

Guess it depends on whether you’re one of those people who are always complaining of feeling ill. My adult dd is like that - whenever I ask how she is, the answer is always that she has a cold/stomach ache/headache, followed up by pictures on Facebook of her out on a night out with friends! So i must admit sometimes I will change the subject or say something flippant.

@sofedupofthisshit The thing is, health conditions dominate the lives of those who suffer from them, and those who live with those who suffer from them.

When you said But this time, I really do feel horrendous, that does tend to suggest that you quite often say you feel horrendous but mostly don't mean it. I would be exasperated by someone who did this, and would not respond sympathetically. I'd see it as the old "crying wolf" scenario.

I do hope you get over this bout of illness soon, though.

Sorry you're feeling rough op. Gather up some snacks and put the TV on or give toddler the iPad so you can just lay on the couch. He could have been kinder & I imagine some of his reaction came from feeling guilty at not being able to stay home. I was the same with my kids earlier this week. I know they are not 100% but I can't have anymore time off work. I found myself ranting at them. Everyone's going to school, I'm not coming to pick you up early so you're just going to have to suck it up. Yep it was very mean & unsympathetic and I cried all the way to work. It was Because I feel guilty.

If you've asked how she is she assumes you want the truth. If she's ill that often then she might think she's just going to have to try and carry on and see friends regardless, you can't always see how crap someone feels from the outside.

I meant this time I feel worse than I have previously. Poor wording.

I don't "cry wolf".

Guess it depends on whether you’re one of those people who are always complaining of feeling ill.

I think my OP made it clear that I tend to just suffer in silence most of the time:

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work.

Try to look at it from the perspective that no matter what he says, his words will not change your medical condition or your physical discomfort.. If words had the ability to heal COVID , far fewer would have been ill or dead . Physicians and families would have offered empathic words and support to heal patients and friends.

He probably has to use those same phrases as a form of self talk when he is feeling unwell but has to go into work to finish a project or meet a deadline. It is not only SAHPs who have to just carry on when feeling ill. It Is the reality of a responsible parent or a responsible employee. Rarely does illness come at a convenient time or under convenient circumstances; most of us just have to soldier on.

Why don't some posters get that OP just wanted him to be kind. When I'm really ill I feel emotional too.

It's like some people just come on here to be argumentative and make the OP feel even worse.

Just to cheer up OP and annoy some of the rabid anti-feminists on here:

I feel so sorry for you.

You sound like you need a hug right now.

I would have replied to the comment about sounding better with "Well, you're right about that. I'm sounding better because DD is here helping me out so I don't have the stress of not being able to look after our toddler. I'm also probably sounding better because I'm speaking to you without having my head hung over a bucket and vomiting at the same time. It really does distort the voice when you have to do that...smartarse ."

Please, when you are feeling more up for it, decide to do something about removing yourself and your children from being involved with this unfeeling man. He is showing you who he is when you're at your worst. You've called him your DP not DH, so I'm guessing there wouldn't be too much paperwork (if any) involved in separating from him.

Best of luck to you and I really do hope you start to feel better soon.

This....

Would you call one of your service users "over the top", "unstable", "rude" and "daft" if they corrected you on your outdated, stereotyped portrayal of people with ASD?

Thats a great way to destroy your body longterm. Nothing to be boasting about.

You are not letting your child down by being ill!

Also, dont know what plans your teenagage daughter had and cancelled to stay in with you but not sure why that seems to be something unusual and unexpected?

That is lucky for you. I was the same for nearly 40 years, soldiered on working in the NHS in a variety of busy stressful jobs. Did all the domestic load, looked after the DC, looked after the sick, elderly parents. Then I retired and was literally struck down with a bunch of debilitating, painful, autoimmune conditions that are very difficult to manage. I have awful side effects from the drugs and no prospect of any improvement.
It isn't a great idea to be smug.
Illness can happen to any of us, any time.
Luckily my DH is kind and looks after me as best he can. I know it must be frustrating for him, but 99% of the time he puts on a brave face.

Update: he's come home and apologised for the comment and said he realises now it was a shit thing to say. He's taken toddler off me so I can rest.

I have the most horrendous headache that won't go with pain killers😢 I hate covid.

Thanks to those who offered support, much appreciated

Glad to hear things have taken a turn for the better with your Husband, I wish you a speedy recovery and a happy home🙏
I dont know if the headache is related to sinus issues at all but I find the neti pot helpful if that's your kind of thing?
Get well soon @sofedupofthisshit

artera.io/blog/the-link-between-compassion-and-patient-outcomes-and-why-it-matters/

The scientific literature contradicts your opinion. It does affect outcomes, although obviously isn't a cure in itself, but makes a difference. Nice dig at SAHPs, but irrelevant in this case as the OP both works and earns more than her husband.

Let's hope your important job doesn't involve teamwork or application of scientific research to real world situations. Your use of assumptions and soldiering on don't do you any credit.

The SAHPs parent's referenced the person who is at that moment home with the kids in the particular situation. If both parents work, one might assume that the children would be brought to their regular caretakers or schools. If one of the parents works from home then one might assume that they have a plan in place for dealing with such situations. Single parents face these situations on a regular basis and manage to soldier on with no expectation of kind words or support. They generally function with a plan in place and compliance with medical treatment or advice.
It is not wrong to take comfort in empathic responses but it is wrong to suggest that a partner is wrong for having a different response.

@Mari9999

His words of comfort might not have changed my physical symptoms, but they'd have provided emotional comfort. And that in itself would have made me feel at least 5% better.

If kind words can't change the outcome why as humans do we bother comforting someone who is bereaved, or upset by any life event? We don't think to ourselves, well my empathy can't bring back the deceased person or change the shitty situation you're in, so I won't bother showing it. We just show it because compassion is a usual response to another person's distress, and it can and does help.

What's the fucking point in having a partner then? If OP is supposed to be this super independent woman, that soldiers on through any illness with no complaint, has childcare and plans in place, shouldn't expect comforting words or support and should sort all her shit out and suck it up because Billy Big Bollocks works?What's the point in having him around?

JustAnotherNameManicChange
The value that any partner brings to a relaationship is determined by the 2 parties in that relationship. I know many very strong, independent, and capable women who might fit the Super Woman classification that are happily married or in committed relationships.
The ability to function and manage successfully on one's own does not mean that you are not good partnership material. Just because you are both fully capable of and fully satisfied with managing on your own does not mean that you cannot be a loving and caring partner to an equally capable partner. Sometimes the best relationships happen when people do not need to be there but instead are there because both want to be there. In these instances, people can complement each other in the most significant ways.

Hope you have a good sleep OP! Hopefully the headache will go with a sleep.

That would be fabulous but I know my three year old wouldn't lie in bed and wait how tv all day. Maybe an hour if I was lucky! I can't believe some of these replies, why on earth should she battle on while feeling so ill. You can bet he wouldn't if the roles were reversed!