"You'll just have to get on with it"

[sofedupofthisshit]

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

I understand why he had to go to work given the OPs comments on his toxic working environment.... I don't think that the issue.

If the OPs DH was reasonable and kind, he would have shown empathy and kindness, and be doing his best to look for another job. If he was doing those things I don't suppose the OP would have posted this!

If you need to continually remind him to be kind and caring I think it’s time to walk away. I would look for that to be a normal attribute in a partner (or friend) and not something you have to nag them in to doing or keep pointing out how they are failing to be kind.

So this is who he is and who he's always been. Someone who's good at fixing but bad at soothing. That's a pretty fixed personality trait in my experience (I'm a fixer too, I'll always respond with a practical solution rather than soothing words). You can have as many conversations as you want but he's not going to change. But despite this personality trait you must have loved him enough to have a kid with him? So he might not ever be as empathic as you want but presumably he has positive aspects that outweigh that?

I feel for you, but there might be another side to this. You assume that the situation is worse for you than for him so you deserve sympathy, but it may be the other way round. He might feel very anxious about his job and providing for his family. He might feel helpless as well. Perhaps he doesn't feel well but does not show. Sometimes we cannot be as kind and understanding as others would like us to be, just because life is hard for us as well.

Why don't you go back to work?

Also sure if its not working leave him but will you be able to cope better then if you do?

Are you usually a bit dramatic? Sobbing over a bucket would probably get little sympathy from me, especially if it was a common behaviour. Maybe he's fed up with drama?

Exactly what I was thinking.

I'm not allowed into work, I have covid. Not sure quite how going to work would help me, either?

I'm really sorry OP. My DH is a teacher so really can't take time off. But he would be hugely sympathetic and concerned, feel terrible leaving me, wish me luck and get back home as soon as he could. In fact, he was like that even when I wasn't ill - toddlers are hard work and he was always 'good luck, stay strong, may the force be with you' when he had to go to work - he knew I was in for a tough day.

My thoughts too. Incredibly concise responses and hardly any typos!

When the room was spinning and I was being sick a couple of months ago I couldnt even look at a screen, let alone post and answer questions.

Sounds like you are over the worst OP

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky

In my OP I stated

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work.

So, no. I'm not "usually dramatic". I usually get on with it as I said. Today, I feel wretched. This morning I was certain I might pass out. I was frightened to be in charge of a toddler feeling that way.

Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to say this because it's a non-solution. If I can't be around then why would I bring that up? I'd have said "sorry you feel bad" though.

I suspect that if you'd told him some practical things he could have sorted to help you out, he'd have done them. Bring back medicine, do the shopping, etc.

So you have a job normally but can't go in because of covid ok, how long have you been off for?

What on earth could your toddler be doing that you can't cope for a week or so at home?

If the employer really is genuinely that family unfriendly, and people on MN do business with them, I'd like them to be named if it would not be outing the DP.

@DunkingMyDonuts

The room was spinning and I was being sick this morning, when he left for work at 7.30. I am now lying beside my sleeping child so the spinning has stopped. And because I am not making typos I must be lying about having covid and feeling unwell? Jesus. Heard it all now. What it seriously wrong with people on here

He sounds like he lacks empathy and compassion.

Also, you were able (despite feeling rough as hell like you might pass out and having a toddler) to post this by 9am with subsequent comments. Iyswim

That well and truly sucks. I don't understand how that works, but if it's true this is it, this is what you're stuck with. And it's pretty shit.

Absolutely this.

I think there are some people like the DH on this thread. And I also bet that they're married to nice empathic people, because unfortunately arseholes tend to be, even though they deserve to be married to equally miserable fuckers.

I'm afraid he won't change OP, however much you might want him to. You have to ask yourself how you'll feel a bit this in twenty years time when you still have to fight for a bit of empathy and support.

And no it's not the same as being a single parent. At all.

Are people unable to read! ?

I felt like that at 7.30 when he left for work!! Ffs.

Could it not be he’s feeling guilty/rubbish? You’re telling him how poorly you are etc knowing he has no choice. Your post does feel a bit dramatic.
I hope you’re feeling better soon.

Yes, when reading the OP's original post I thought immediately of the single parents I know who have just had to get on with it through some pretty awful illnesses and events.

OP, no friends or family who can come over and give you a few hours of relief? No neighbour who might look after your child for an hour to give you a chance to get up, showered and sorted to start the day? I speak as a neighbour who has occasionally stepped in to help with such things.

Love posters assuming that OP must not be working and the ones pointing out she's posting online (so obviously not dying) like some gotcha moment.

Yes, this is what would have helped. This is what I mean by empathy

You can "get on with it" but also be dramatic at the same time. Which it sounds like you are doing, and by the tone of your posts on this thread, I'd be willing to bet you do frequently.

Seems to me like you need to toughen up. We all get ill, we all have to get on with life, we don't all act the way you're describing and expect people to fawn all over us.

And I also hope you feel better soon. It's shit to be unwell and looking after a toddler. Thank goodness your other child is lovely and caring like you.