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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You'll just have to get on with it"

277 replies

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:02

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Marmitepot · 17/12/2022 09:22

Yes a bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss!

FoggyDay58 · 17/12/2022 09:22

I wonder what his own parenting was like. It sounds like he isn't able to cope with your vulnerability very well, or indeed anything other than the usual state of your "getting on with it".

For you, showing empathy is a habit (maybe because you were shown it, or have consciously learnt how to do it). It seems like it makes him uncomfortable for you to be unwell or need him. Or maybe he's just anxious about the situation with his employer and doesn't want to be asked to stay at home or even admit that that would be a reasonable solution.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 09:23

Any chance he could get a different job for a decent employer?

Is he normally an empathetic,caring person, or is he the type that if he can't fix it/do anything about it then that's that.

Daisymae55 · 17/12/2022 09:26

when DD and I had covid recently, DH stayed home from work for a day to help as I was so poorly I could barely lift her without feeling faint. And his job isn’t flexible at all usually.

YANBU. Even if he couldn’t stay home to help, he shouldn’t have been so cold about it. I’d have been very upset too.

Unifolorn · 17/12/2022 09:26

Have you spoken to him about it? Some people are more to the point than others, I mean what he said in his mind was true, some people just don't have the same empathy as others in situations like this. I suspect he's always been the same and won't change, it depends if a singular sentence is enough to make you leave or whether there's more going on.

Tali5ker · 17/12/2022 09:28

I think he has been unkind and could have been gentler, but I actually don’t think saying your suggested “you must be so anxious about looking after DC” would be helpful at all!

RosaGallica · 17/12/2022 09:29

We've argued over him finding another job before, too. He won't because he enjoys the work.

Now that is unreasonable. It’s a typical male presuming that women will make all the sacrifices for children while he gets to carry on doing whatever the fuck he likes at her expense.

You need some very clear discussions about the meaning of parenthood for men. You might need a plan - and it will be long term - for single parenthood, which is extraordinarily difficult for women. Have you got any family support, as it might be time to start looking for it. At the very least do not have any more children with this man until you have sorted this out.

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 09:29

If you’re able to post several posts on Mumsnet you can’t be very ill.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 17/12/2022 09:31

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/12/2022 09:21

I think you are triggering each other a bit: he does sound very unkind and uncaring and I would feel upset and resentful but in the kindest possible way you are catastrophising a bit and this probably makes him feel helpless and stressed.

I think you should sit down and talk about it when you are feeling calmer.

This

Verbena17 · 17/12/2022 09:31

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:09

Because he has the least understanding family friendly employer in the entire world and they have already threatened him with disciplinary for previous time off with unwell toddler, and gave him a "warning" for his own ONE period of sickness this year when he had norovirus and didn't want to spread it around his workplace.

Think of the most misogynistic, unfamily friendly employer you can imagine, with literally zero regard for employee wellbeing. That's who he works for.

Show quote history

Is he not looking for another, more morally ethical employer?
An employer who gives warnings/discipline after a day of sick leave isn’t fit to be a manager.

Trees6 · 17/12/2022 09:31

I felt a tiny bit of sympathy for him until I read that he has refused to seek out another role. YANBU.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 09:31

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 09:29

If you’re able to post several posts on Mumsnet you can’t be very ill.

Yes, because being able to hold a phone is the same as being functional enough to look after a toddler.Confused

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:33

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 09:23

Any chance he could get a different job for a decent employer?

Is he normally an empathetic,caring person, or is he the type that if he can't fix it/do anything about it then that's that.

Definitely his default response is to fix. If he can't fix from a practical point of view then he just doesn't know what to do.

But it's so frustrating because we've had so many conversations about exactly this. And I've said to him really clearly- if I want help with a practical solution I'll ask you that so it's really clear. But otherwise, if I'm upset or struggling, 95% of the time that can be resolved with empathy and emotional support, even if you can't practically fix it. He nods and goes ok, I get it. Then comes out with shit like that again........

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:34

Tali5ker · 17/12/2022 09:28

I think he has been unkind and could have been gentler, but I actually don’t think saying your suggested “you must be so anxious about looking after DC” would be helpful at all!

It actually would, because it conveys empathy and validates how I'm feeling

OP posts:
Brightstarowl · 17/12/2022 09:34

Bless ya.

My sh*tbag of a "d" p was once whinging and whining about not being able to find a matching pair of socks (oh the woe!) whilst I was on the verge of vomming....I told him to please shut up as I had the worse headache and felt sick...he muttered "me too"....I was in the middle of telling him to just hurry up and leave when I projectile vommed (luckily had a bowl to grab which caught most of it....) He looked genuinely shocked.

I don't think the cold hearted knb believed me up till then....considering men can be such babies when they have a cold AKA man-flu, they really can be unsympathetc shtheads.

I really hope you feel better soon and have a lovely Christmas. 💐

strawberryandcreams · 17/12/2022 09:34

I am extremely unwell also. The tablets are helping keep the temperature at bay.
I am horizontal. I can look at my phone. I can't look after my kids (they're looking after me) (7 and 5)
DH has had to work. And I have a friend coming to take my kids for the day.
Is there any close family or friends to take your toddler OP? Just for a few hours?

Rosebel · 17/12/2022 09:34

He's entitled to dependent leave in this case surely? Although he needs to get a new job. No employer is going to be happy he needs to take time off but very few will give you a disciplinary for it.
But yes he should be a lot more sympathetic and he should have promised to try and get home as quickly as he can. He also should have made things as easy as possible for you by getting toddler up and fed and making a packed lunch for your toddler but I'm guessing he didn't do this either.
I hope you feel better soon and can take it easy by lying on the sofa while your toddler plays /watches TV.
Is your partner actually looking for a new job?

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:35

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 09:29

If you’re able to post several posts on Mumsnet you can’t be very ill.

Yeah. Right. Because posting on MN while my child naps and I lie next to her is really exerting myself 🙄🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:38

I have an older (almost adult) child who has kindly agreed to cancel their plans today to help me. I wouldn't have expected or asked for this but they took one look at me and said don't worry mum I'll stick around today. What an Angel.

OP posts:
TheChristmasElf · 17/12/2022 09:38

You have my sympathy…

I’m just getting over covid and DH has been away for the last week, with 3 DC two horses and dog and the ice it’s been one of the worst weeks of my life.

DH is generally pretty good but is in the Forces so programmed quite early on with detachment and compartmentalising training…

Id literally be on my death bed before he said “It’s ok Darling, I can see you are quite ill, I’ll cancel my trip”

Brightstarowl · 17/12/2022 09:40

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 09:29

If you’re able to post several posts on Mumsnet you can’t be very ill.

Wow....You horrible sod.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:42

@TheChristmasElf

Ex forces partner here also.... that's where the "just get on with it" mentality comes from I think. And the company he works for now isn't much better.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 09:44

@sofedupofthisshit that's really shit because it seems to be his personality that is the issue, rather than him becoming like this which is a clear sign something might be off.I know a few people like that, and they're not horrible people,just useless for emotional support. The issue is you're not compatible and he can't give you what you need. It's not instinctive and natural like it is for other people, so that's why he can do it for a bit but then reverts back to how he is.

I doubt he will ever change , so when you're not feeling so shitty and literally picking yourself off the floor , if you can live like this long term ,through possibly worse situations.

The other issue is him refusing to change employers. It's great that he likes his job, but surely the isn't just one company that hires in that type of job. How can he love it so much , when it puts him in this types of situations. Unless he actually likes having a handy excuse to get out of it.

diddl · 17/12/2022 09:44

As you say it's the lack of sympathy/caring.

Also that looking after your own kids isn't taken seriously.

It's not considered "work" so there's no thought that someone wouldn't just get on with it.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:46

The other issue is him refusing to change employers. It's great that he likes his job, but surely the isn't just one company that hires in that type of job.

There is only one, unfortunately.

OP posts: