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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You'll just have to get on with it"

277 replies

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:02

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 10:14

DunkingMyDonuts · 17/12/2022 10:11

Definitely on the mend - that's great! Seems (although he could have been far more sympathetic) your H made the right call

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He made the right call not to show a bit of sympathy and caring? Righto 🙄.

yesforone · 17/12/2022 10:14

Has he ever stayed off work for a hangover ? or taken time off work for a stag do etc ? Then he can bloody well take the day off to care for your child as you're so ill. Sorry he's being an arse to you OP.

Nop · 17/12/2022 10:15

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:58

Are people unable to read! ?

I felt like that at 7.30 when he left for work!! Ffs.

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An hour or so isn't a long time? Just sort of makes me wonder if you were stretching to try to grasp some level of empathy and care from your partner. Like just saying you aren't feeling great wouldn't be enough, needs to sound more terrible. But also, you want to convince all the strangers your partner is uncaring. And gleen some care from the strangers also. But just sounds a bit extra. That can put people off, as I'm sure you can recognise?

Pleased you are feeling better of coarse, because feeling shit when looking after little ones is obviously really tough.

Mariposista · 17/12/2022 10:15

Even if he has to work, he ought to have sorted alternative childcare to get the toddler out the house until he returns to give you time to rest if you are that poorly. In his position I would worry that you are too unwell to look after her safely o your own.
Arse.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:16

@DunkingMyDonuts

What do you mean he made the right call? What call? I never asked him to stay home. Not for a second. I just wanted him to say something empathic instead of being cold and dismissive. There was no call to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:17

AndSoFinally · 17/12/2022 10:13

From a psychological perspective:

You've already acknowledged that he can't stay home to help you. Therefore he can't change his behaviour to help.

His response is known as "cognitive dissonance ", where we know our behaviours are out of keeping with our beliefs (ie he knows he should be home to help). If we cannot change our behaviour to fit our beliefs, then we have to change our beliefs to fit our behaviour. If he tells himself you should just get in with it, and you don't really need him, then he gets rid of that uncomfortable dissonance between thought and behaviour, and is able to get on with his day without feeling guilty.

If he was genuinely able to change his behaviour he may well do that instead (or not)

Not excusing him, but you'll probably find it's a pretty common tactic where people aren't doing what they know they really should.

This is interesting and helpful actually, thanks

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 17/12/2022 10:17

It is horrid being poorly and looking after a toddler. But… in the position you describe where there was an older teen in the house and someone needing to work (in the unsupportive circs you’ve described re his employers) I would expect the older teen to help out and give you a break rather than your husband not going in. It’s good they have cancelled their plans to help you.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want a little extra kindness though. Sometimes you just want a bit of sympathy especially when you know the day will be tough.

misteek · 17/12/2022 10:18

to be fair 2 1/2 hours later you have e mailed mumsnet many times so you seem to be coping !

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:18

@Nop

I'm not feeling better. I never said I was feeling better. I said the room is no longer spinning presumably because I am lying g down and I am not vomiting anymore.

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 17/12/2022 10:19

I think it's perfectly reasonable to compare the OP's situation to what might happen should she not have a partner. She sounds like someone who is putting her partner in a really difficult situation where quite frankly he will come out badly in either scenario. At best, I think OP is at risk of underestimating her own abilities and vearing towards learned helplessness. Or, she is seeking some sort of validation by putting her partner in a situation where he was forced to choose between keeping his job or keeping his partner happy.

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 10:20

If you’re as ill as you’re claiming to be it’s time to put the phone down and get some rest.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:20

OutDamnedSpot · 17/12/2022 10:13

Wow. The vipers are out today, aren’t they?

Sorry you’re feeling so unwell OP. If he’s such a ‘fixer’, surely he could have done some practical things before he went? Made you and DC some snacks / prepped breakfast and lunch / set up blankets etc in front of the telly…?

I had my head over a bucket whilst feeding her porridge on a spoon. As he walked out of the door.

OP posts:
HesterAndPearlInBrightSunshine · 17/12/2022 10:20

I don't think you're catastrophising, OP. Being a decent human being is NOT hard. He's an arse and you know it. Do what you can to get away from him as he will never change and look for a partner who makes you feel better, not systematically worse.

maddy68 · 17/12/2022 10:21

He's frustrated. Of course he would rather stay at home with you but employers are not understanding about these things.

And he's right you do have to get in with it as you would do if you were a single parent. It's tough, it's horrible and you feel awful

Can you stay in bed with your child and just binge watch kids TV all day

I'm so sorry you feel like shit

DesertIslandCondiment · 17/12/2022 10:21

Are some people just thick.

All the OP wanted was a bit of sympathy not for him to stay off work.

Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 10:22

Whatabambam · 17/12/2022 10:19

I think it's perfectly reasonable to compare the OP's situation to what might happen should she not have a partner. She sounds like someone who is putting her partner in a really difficult situation where quite frankly he will come out badly in either scenario. At best, I think OP is at risk of underestimating her own abilities and vearing towards learned helplessness. Or, she is seeking some sort of validation by putting her partner in a situation where he was forced to choose between keeping his job or keeping his partner happy.

More shitty faux therapy-speak. She's not insisted he stay home. She just expected a bit of sympathy. Not much to ask. Learned helplessness, validation...do me a favour. And stop reading the amateur psychology.

panko · 17/12/2022 10:23

Ask him how ill you have to be before he would look after the toddler for you

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:24

panko · 17/12/2022 10:23

Ask him how ill you have to be before he would look after the toddler for you

I did. He said hospitalised.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:24

"If it was an emergency" he said, like me being taken to hospital. That's when he would ask work to stay home.

OP posts:
fairydust11 · 17/12/2022 10:25

Berlinlover · 17/12/2022 09:29

If you’re able to post several posts on Mumsnet you can’t be very ill.

I agree with the above - op you say the room is spinning yet you’re able to post multiple times within the past hour? Yabu

panko · 17/12/2022 10:26

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:24

"If it was an emergency" he said, like me being taken to hospital. That's when he would ask work to stay home.

Right. So what if you were dying at home?

He's a tosser. You'd be better of leaving him and he can apply for contact.

panko · 17/12/2022 10:26

fairydust11 · 17/12/2022 10:25

I agree with the above - op you say the room is spinning yet you’re able to post multiple times within the past hour? Yabu

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Presumably she's living or sat down.

Loveinaworldgonemad · 17/12/2022 10:27

Sounds EXACTLY like my ex.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 10:28

Final time because this is tedious repeating myself now

The room spins when I stand up. Like I was at 7/7.30 this morning sorting toddlers breakfast. I also vomited. That's when I had this conversation with him, when I was upset about this.

Now, I feel marginally better as I am lying down in bed. The room is no longer spinning and I am not vomiting anymore but I do not feel great at all. If I try to get up I'll probably feel horrendous again,

I'm not saying that again, I don't have the energy

OP posts:
FinDevon · 17/12/2022 10:28

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