"You'll just have to get on with it"

[sofedupofthisshit]

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

Fuck that OP.

I’m a single parent - have been for years - to 3DDs. I’ve managed a wide range of illness by myself, because I’m default parent, because I’ve had no choice, because it wasn’t serious enough to call my ex/his family for help.

My ex works a high level, high pressure job where time off is viewed very negatively.

I’ve crawled around on the floor due to being unable to stand up due to a severe ear infection, after my ex had been over to help. He made dinner for DDs, drove me to the GP, drove me to the Pharmacy, made their packed lunches, did a load of laundry, bathed them, put them to bed. Came over in the morning to get them ready for school. When he couldn’t do it, ExMIL came over and did it. It was a week before I could stand up without losing my balance and took three rounds of ABs to get rid of it.

When we all had a sick bug - DDs were 6/4/1 - my ex took time off work - almost a week.

On the first day of us all coming down with it, I rang for help at 10am. There was zero chance I could manage all four of us being that unwell. I’d never seen anything like that. I’ll not into detail because it was truly grim.

He said he couldn’t leave work just yet but if I wanted, he’d ring his (relatively young, retired A&E Nurse) Mum and ask her to come over.

She did, armed with supplies and got stuck in. Ex arrived around 6 hours later. He stayed over. Around 4am he had to call ExMIL again because I had a fever of 41 and was delirious, she drove me to A&E and stayed with me.

Turned out I had Noro (DDs probably did too but they didn’t have samples taken). I was in hospital for around 36 hours before being sent home, once my fever was under control/I wasn’t dehydrated.

There’s a few other examples - but my point is that, when it’s an emergency, even my ex and ex MIL can step the fuck up, go out of their way, take time off work - why can’t the man you’re in a relationship with do it?

Demand more for yourself OP.

So if he feels guilty what would be wrong with saying "I'm so sorry you feel unwell and it actually makes me feel guilty to not be there to help you". That would show empathy while expressing his own feelings. Instead of "well you'll just have to get on with it".

i "just got on with it for years" until i became chronically ill and could no longer work ....so my husband had to then both work and look after the kids and do housework,cooking etc.....would your DP prefer that situation?!?

I'd be interested to hear his side of this story

And, as PP have observed, you've managed to post several times, coherently, for someone who is apparently so unwell.........

I am sorry OP but if I felt that ill I would be having a bit of a sleep next to my sleeping toddler not getting angry on MN. It wasn't a kind or helpful remark from your partner but in the circumstances you describe he was right.

It's not the same being a single parent. It's having a partner and caring for them but not having it reciprocated. It's not the practical side it's the lack of caring that makes it hard. If you don't get that I think you're just made differently like many of the miseries on this thread. And stop telling the OP she's catastrophising. She isn't. She's upset.

Seems to me like you need to toughen up. We all get ill, we all have to get on with life, we don't all act the way you're describing and expect people to fawn all over us.

Jesus Christ.

Expect people to fawn all over me?! Are you for real.

I'm expecting care and empathy from my parent and father of my child. Not people, just him. Just one sentence to show he gives a fuck.

"Toughen up is in the same league as just get on with it. 🙄

Just lay on the sofa with your daughter, watching Christmas moves, get a delivery for her lunch and make it a special Christmas activity.

I've had to do it many times in the decade of being a sole parent, sometimes I was ill and sometimes because one of dc were ill.

Your dp problem is something to deal with once you are feeling better

Partner not parent

@Stunningscreamer

Thank you. You get it 100%.

Oh don't be ridiculous. You can feel well enough to post on MN and still feel pretty poorly. Looking after a toddler cannot compare to writing a few words on a screen. She hasn't said she's dying, just that she feels really unwell.

God, OP I don't know what's happened to MN recently. It's always been bracing but now seems to have attracted so many people with complete empathy bypasses. I'm sorry there are so many on this thread.

He might've been right , but it was a stupid ,inconsiderate ,dismissive and pointless thing to say. He knows she'll get on with it because she has no other option. Why say it? I understand not being all cuddly and there there if that's how he is, but there was no need for that comment was it?

Being ill when a husband leaves is the toughest thing.
Single parents just do have to get on with it.
TV on and simple food for young child.

Well some of the posters sound about as kind as him.

I know what you are saying OP. If he had been sympathetic then yes you would still feel ill but you would have felt loved and not upset to add to it.

He aeint really done anything wrong. He is probably overworked himself and just trying to get to work. Me and my husband say far worse to each other on a daily basis lol

She hasn't said she's dying, just that she feels really unwell.

Ironically, there have been plenty of posts on MN from people that are dying, in hospital,seriously ill,with sepsis etc. No one tells them "oh you have no typos and you're on here ,you must not be feeling so bad".

I would make 2023 the year your DH gets a different job.

Otherwise make 2023 the year you LTB.

There are weird people on here.

@IAmTheFire why is he an ex?! He sounds amazing 😂

YANBU

mine are teenagers now but when they were tiny (2.5 year age gap, I think they were 1 and 3) I remember having norovirus and I felt so ill. Vomiting, diarrhoea and I felt like absolute death. I phoned my husband to come home from work early as I was so unwell and he refused.

3 days later I was fine and back at work, on the phone to a client when my mobile went, and I had multiple emails/instant messages telling me to phone him IMMEDIATELY.

called him when I was free and he was lying crying on the bathroom floor as he felt so awful with the norovirus and couldn’t look after the kids!

I was going to have to leave to sort them as he maintained he couldn’t change our youngest’s shitty nappy as he felt soooooo ill but the childminder came to the house and got them and he got the rest of the day in his bed! I was not best pleased. When I got home later that night he said “did you really feel as this on Saturday? How did you cope!”

yes, yes I did. And I coped because you wouldn’t help me.

Definitely on the mend - that's great! Seems (although he could have been far more sympathetic) your H made the right call

There are always cunts on MN looking to stick the boot in OP. Ignore and don't rise to the bait. I get where you're coming form he sounds like he has had an empathy bypass. Hope you feel better soon x

Sadly I do OP and I didn't LTB which I regret now years down the line. And he had the important job too. But he's still self obsessed now. It's not about the work or any of the shit that people have made up about his anxiety. It's about being more wrapped up in himself than anyone else. Don't be me.

Wow. The vipers are out today, aren’t they?

Sorry you’re feeling so unwell OP. If he’s such a ‘fixer’, surely he could have done some practical things before he went? Made you and DC some snacks / prepped breakfast and lunch / set up blankets etc in front of the telly…?

From a psychological perspective:

You've already acknowledged that he can't stay home to help you. Therefore he can't change his behaviour to help.

His response is known as "cognitive dissonance ", where we know our behaviours are out of keeping with our beliefs (ie he knows he should be home to help). If we cannot change our behaviour to fit our beliefs, then we have to change our beliefs to fit our behaviour. If he tells himself you should just get in with it, and you don't really need him, then he gets rid of that uncomfortable dissonance between thought and behaviour, and is able to get on with his day without feeling guilty.

If he was genuinely able to change his behaviour he may well do that instead (or not)

Not excusing him, but you'll probably find it's a pretty common tactic where people aren't doing what they know they really should.