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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not get the mentality of some parents…

204 replies

LivIoe · 15/12/2022 08:37

I live near a school and it’s snowed heavily. I noticed that quite a few children were in the snow in slip on ballet pump style shoes or canvas shoes, or generally inappropriate footwear that would leave them with wet feet or slipping over.

I hunted out my children’s old snow boots/ study walking boots. They ranged from about a size 10 to size 3, primary school sizes. Then I put them in pairs on the wall outside, with a post-it saying ‘free’ and noting the size. Just ‘free, size 12) for example.

I came home and some were in the bush, didn’t think much of it- just put them back. I then saw a child run up with a stick and sweep them all off the wall, while his mum watched.

Put them back.

Then I heard shouting, some kids were throwing them at each other! About yr 3, their mums said stop and left them all over the pavement (I saw from upstairs, so didn’t get out to say anything).

before people aak

  • all shoes were in good condition, some branded, not tatty
  • Ive not had any negative interaction with anyone locally, didn’t recognise them
  • yes, some of the kids doing it were in light shoes…
  • all were around mid primary age with parents

What am I missing in the thought process here?

OP posts:
Caravanheaven22 · 15/12/2022 13:43

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 08:41

What you’re missing is how strong the sense of pride is for some people.

People without money do not like admitting that fact, as a rule. Hence the liking for branded sportswear for babies / very young children amongst certain socioeconomic groups.

Go further up the economic ladder and they’ll gladly buy and accept second hand, because they have nothing to prove.

What on earth has that got to do with throwing the shoes around?
It's just anti social behaviour being sanctioned by watching parents.

There aren't any excuses for adults watching their children do this

Dreamwhisper · 15/12/2022 13:43

I think some parents think it's okay for children to mistreat things that aren't there's if they think no one is watching.

When my firstborn was a baby, I was in temporary accommodation. It was a shared house with a couple of other mothers with young children. I had naively thought it would be okay to sterilise my bottles and leave them clean, dry and put together on my area of the work surface (the kitchen was divvied up so everyone had a cupboard and the surface underneath it for their things)

I came into the kitchen one day to find that one of the other mothers, who had 2 pre school age (but not baby) girls, had allowed her daughter to use my sterilised bottles as skittles or something and she was lining them up on the floor and knocking them over repeatedly.

She was happy to allow them to do this until I came in, when she then immediately told her to put them back. Had I not seen it I would never have known the bottles had been rolling around on the floor and being touched by little hands.

I try not to judge too harshly though. That woman had been through a lot and was at risk of her children being taken off of her. So that's what always comes to mind when I see parenting decisions that I wouldn't make now. I know it can be hard and people struggle so perhaps some pick their battles.

Dreamwhisper · 15/12/2022 13:45

aren't theirs 😳

HarryMcLarry · 15/12/2022 13:48

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 08:47

True about them being too embarrassed to take them so as not to seem poor or struggling if anyone recognised them. But they needn't be so lax about telling their children not to mess with the freebies or to put them back at least. They sound feral and I've seen this from 'naice' midddle class kids with well educated parents in their 40s before anyone says....!

In my experience, not disciplining your misbehaving child is considered laziness if you're poor but it's a thoroughly-researched parenting technique if you're rich. My sister (whom I do absolutely adore) had her first when she was mid-30s, very wealthy partner and doing well. They will not say "no" to DN because it's restrictive, they won't stop him hitting them because he's "expressing himself" and "feeling anguish". It's actually really hard to watch. He's not even two yet and she's going out of her mind trying to get him to behave without any form of discipline (by which, at his age, I mean literally saying "no" or removing things he shouldn't have).

LexMitior · 15/12/2022 13:53

Poor parenting and low expectations which keeps kids firmly where they are.

I have had the same thing. Put things out and people just throw it around. It's a self defeating mentality.

Mintleafcocktail · 15/12/2022 13:56

AndEverWhoKnew · 15/12/2022 11:37

There's quite a difference between buying second-hand and picking up boots from a wall (that have been left outside for you know not how long or by whom) in full view of everyone else. I'm surprised you can't see that.

You may also be perfectly kind but we teach DCs not to accept items from strangers. There are a few safeguarding red flags about an adult near a school trying to create a bond with DCs by providing something free and then watching to see how they interact.

As a PP said, donate them to the school or to a charity shop.

Completely agree with this. Huge difference between shopping for second hand shoes in a shop which has presumably made sure they are clean etc and picking stuff up from a wall.

Also agree about the safeguarding issue.

NeuroticAgain · 15/12/2022 14:00

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 08:41

What you’re missing is how strong the sense of pride is for some people.

People without money do not like admitting that fact, as a rule. Hence the liking for branded sportswear for babies / very young children amongst certain socioeconomic groups.

Go further up the economic ladder and they’ll gladly buy and accept second hand, because they have nothing to prove.

this 100%. When I worked at a college all the kids who were struggling and had stuff going on always dressed the most stylish and fashionable. Always. They didn’t want to stand out. They didn’t want to be seen as a victim nor helped. OP you were exceptionally kind, can you give them to a womens refuge, shelter ot a charity shop. Some one some where will appreciate them.

LexMitior · 15/12/2022 14:02

But they did stand out. Nobody is fooled by flashy trainers and sports gear.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/12/2022 14:09

The point for me is not about whether or not to choose to take free stuff, it's about parents watching their dch throw around other people's stuff and not stepping in to tell them not to.

VitaminX · 15/12/2022 14:11

Take some photos of them and post them in a local free stuff group. I always give away things that my children have grown out of that are still in good condition and I find that people can see things that are good quality and do appreciate it. I've had a few time-wasters but generally only positive experiences. I love to see nice things being passed on and not going to waste. I've actually found a woman who has children a little younger than mine who is always happy to take our hand-me-downs so I usually contact her directly now.

We receive a lot of hand-me-downs as well and I am always delighted to get good stuff.

I'd be ashamed to see my children wet or cold due to lack of appropriate clothing if there was a way I was able to dress them properly. But at the same time children can be stubborn and they're not likely to die of it so I just make sure my kids are OK.

It's shit to allow your children to behave so badly in public, but yeah some people just don't care.

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 14:17

People are ‘fooled’ though, or at least, they are seen as the trappings of wealth.

Different groups of society will have very different ideas about what success and wealth look like.

Have you ever had that thing where you know you’ve gone up a dress size but don’t want to admit it so furiously squeeze yourself into a 14? I have. If the only sizes available are a 12 and a 16, I would rather not buy it, even though I might really like the item of clothing. I know it is silly, no one knows what size I have on, but I just feel bad if I have to buy a 16. On the other hand, if I was a size 8 not going to happen I probably wouldn’t think twice about buying a 10.

Now I am sure that lots of people will huffily tell me that’s ridiculous and indeed it is, but in the overwhelming majority of cases, how something feels is more important than how it is. If you wear something second hand and that ‘feels’ a certain way, you ‘feel’ poor, you ‘feel’ that you are scraping around the bottom of society, then you will not only avoid it but be offended by the very suggestion you need it.

Generally, it is no use bestowing charity upon others - I actually think this is where Labour went so badly wrong, as for the most part dignity and security matter so much more than charity, no matter how kind the intent might be.

LexMitior · 15/12/2022 14:23

Well, people fool themselves but not others. The most strident enforcers of this kind of thing are inevitably those who haven't got very much to start with.

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 14:29

Er yeah

that’s the point.

mam0918 · 15/12/2022 14:31

To be fair you have put them out as 'trash' basically, if they fell off the wall while you where out you could even be done for flytipping... people don't greatly respect trash.

Just donate them either directly to the school or to a charity shop.

Also kids might like their shoes, its very judgemental to assume that its anything other than a choice... one winter as a child I refused point blank to wear a coat, my mam eventually persuaded me too wear a jumper but I saw out all of winter without donning a coat.

Kids also don't feel the cold the way we do, my 1 year old refuses to wear hats/gloves (litrally impossible to wrestle them on her and keep it on for longer than 10 seconds) and even kicks the foot muff off the pram while im stood shivering next to her but its not that I don't HAVE those things for her, I spend the entire school run picking up the hat and gloves shes disgarded along the way.

oakleaffy · 15/12/2022 14:42

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 08:41

What you’re missing is how strong the sense of pride is for some people.

People without money do not like admitting that fact, as a rule. Hence the liking for branded sportswear for babies / very young children amongst certain socioeconomic groups.

Go further up the economic ladder and they’ll gladly buy and accept second hand, because they have nothing to prove.

This! well off families are more than happy to take hand me downs from friends-
As a kid some of my best ( Most loved)clothes came from family friends with older children.

NippyWoowoo · 15/12/2022 14:54

Climbingsteepsteps · 15/12/2022 08:41

What you’re missing is how strong the sense of pride is for some people.

People without money do not like admitting that fact, as a rule. Hence the liking for branded sportswear for babies / very young children amongst certain socioeconomic groups.

Go further up the economic ladder and they’ll gladly buy and accept second hand, because they have nothing to prove.

I don't understand what this has to do with knocking it off OP's wall and thinking it's ok? It's not like OP sought out a family and put it on their wall.

I often see toys and other household items left out with a sign saying 'free' and no I don't think it would be acceptable for a child to just knock them off the wall and a parent to say nothing.

It has nothing to do with 'sense of pride' Confused

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 14:54

Dignity matters.

VitaminX · 15/12/2022 15:01

Balaclava style hats can't be taken off easily by a baby, especially if you tuck them in tight underneath a zipped/buttoned up suit. Long mittens with no thumbs (like long socks) that are tucked tight underneath sleeves will be much harder to remove. You can also get suits for babies and toddlers where you can fold the ends of the sleeves over and they certainly can't remove those. Babies and toddlers can take things off for fun and because it amuses them to see you pick them up (at least mine always found it very funny to drop things for adults to pick up). And because frankly I'm not sure they make the connection between clothing and their own temperature. Lots of babies pull socks off too and I am quite sure it is usually for fun and not because their feet are hot. For this reason if it was cold my babies wore tights underneath their trousers which takes away the option to remove them.

Older children are less under your control, but you can decide what your baby wears. But I live in a cold place where you simply couldn't allow a baby to make the decision about whether to wear a hat or not. Probably it's OK most of the time in the UK.

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 15:05

I genuinely can't imagine putting a balaclava on a baby.

LexMitior · 15/12/2022 15:07

Yes but

You are fooling no one

That doesn't mean you have to trash things either

VitaminX · 15/12/2022 15:10

All babies wear balaclavas where I live. And indeed all children under the age of 6 or so and many older. They are cosy with no gaps for a chill wind to get in. They are like this kind of thing. It is much colder than the UK here, but you can get thin ones and they are really good if you do actually want to stop a hat-removing baby.

To really not get the mentality of some parents…
antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 15:15

No issue with children wearing balaclavas. I just can't imagine forcing a balaclava on a baby.

VitaminX · 15/12/2022 15:17

Forcing? Babies can't dress themselves so all their clothes have been forced on I suppose.

antelopevalley · 15/12/2022 15:25

True. Not sure why it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Ohhmydays · 15/12/2022 15:35

mam0918 · 15/12/2022 14:31

To be fair you have put them out as 'trash' basically, if they fell off the wall while you where out you could even be done for flytipping... people don't greatly respect trash.

Just donate them either directly to the school or to a charity shop.

Also kids might like their shoes, its very judgemental to assume that its anything other than a choice... one winter as a child I refused point blank to wear a coat, my mam eventually persuaded me too wear a jumper but I saw out all of winter without donning a coat.

Kids also don't feel the cold the way we do, my 1 year old refuses to wear hats/gloves (litrally impossible to wrestle them on her and keep it on for longer than 10 seconds) and even kicks the foot muff off the pram while im stood shivering next to her but its not that I don't HAVE those things for her, I spend the entire school run picking up the hat and gloves shes disgarded along the way.

This was the same as my son when he was just over a yr old never kept hat or gloves on. My other son on the other hand would wear his wellies all summer long then point blank refuse to wear them in winter