To really not get the mentality of some parents…

[LivIoe]

I live near a school and it’s snowed heavily. I noticed that quite a few children were in the snow in slip on ballet pump style shoes or canvas shoes, or generally inappropriate footwear that would leave them with wet feet or slipping over.

I hunted out my children’s old snow boots/ study walking boots. They ranged from about a size 10 to size 3, primary school sizes. Then I put them in pairs on the wall outside, with a post-it saying ‘free’ and noting the size. Just ‘free, size 12) for example.

I came home and some were in the bush, didn’t think much of it- just put them back. I then saw a child run up with a stick and sweep them all off the wall, while his mum watched.

Put them back.

Then I heard shouting, some kids were throwing them at each other! About yr 3, their mums said stop and left them all over the pavement (I saw from upstairs, so didn’t get out to say anything).

before people aak

• all shoes were in good condition, some branded, not tatty
• Ive not had any negative interaction with anyone locally, didn’t recognise them
• yes, some of the kids doing it were in light shoes…
• all were around mid primary age with parents

What am I missing in the thought process here?

There's quite a difference between buying second-hand and picking up boots from a wall (that have been left outside for you know not how long or by whom) in full view of everyone else. I'm surprised you can't see that.

You may also be perfectly kind but we teach DCs not to accept items from strangers. There are a few safeguarding red flags about an adult near a school trying to create a bond with DCs by providing something free and then watching to see how they interact.

As a PP said, donate them to the school or to a charity shop.

"How can you let your child out of the house with matted hair? I am autistic, but my mother brushed my hair throughly every day."

Because it is better to get my son onto school transport to his special school than have him miss school because he is either so distressed it is unsafe to go anywhere near him or he is so distressed he has shut down and is unable to move. His school agrees.

Whydidimarryhim · Today 10:46

You did a very kind thoughtful thing. How bloody rude of children outside and the adults who clearly have issues with boundaries.

I agree entirely, she made a kind gesture and some horrible people thought it would be fun to spoil it.

Someone said that an academy sends out patrols, to ensure that kids in uniforms are walking through snow, or in heavy rain, in soaking wet shoes. My daughter's school says to come in wellies etc, but take the school shoes with them and change inside.

If they didn't and sanctioned her for wearing them outside school, I'd be seeking legal advice.

Maybe being from abroad is the difference? It never would have occurred to me to buy winter boots or hiking boots for my children in the UK, never can I think of a single time I have seen a child wearing these things. If it snowed we put them in wellies or they wore their normal school shoes. I live in Germany now and it is amazing to me how many varieties of shoe there are and that children are expected to have all of them - indeed, it would be seen as the height of neglect to put a child in wellies or trainers on a winter's day if there is even a light frost!

And if you did so, it would be assumed that the reason was you were caught out by the weather, and not because you did not believe them to be necessary. Like your assumption in the OP. But I do not think that parents in general in the UK would make this assumption, instead I think most people would assume winter boots are not a necessary garment for our climate. They are probably not even permitted as part of the school uniform policy.

(Things might have changed recently, I haven't parented in the UK for nearly 10 years now).

My working class parents struggled financially. I passed my 11+ and the grammar uniform was expensive, but my Mum worked hard to make sure every item (right down to the stupid regulation knickers) was brand new. She was bullied for having hand me downs as a child and she wanted me to fit in. I love her for this and was very grateful.
Ironically my kids have grown up in second hand clothes, but for quite a long period in high school, it was not socially acceptable to be seen near a charity shop or to be open about wearing something second hand.
I would never have taken something off a wall in public, it just illogically feels humiliating and I'm frequently in charity shops and at the recycling centre.

We started a renovation in January. I've consistently been leaving all sorts (all good quality/condition) on the wall and in the front garden. Everything gets snapped up in minutes.

I put an electric fire on FB for free. I was inundated. First lady her boiler was broken so glad to have it

FB local page is a better place.

People don't want to take things off walls. People leaving their old stuff in the street is a problem around here because it often attracts anti social behaviour.

On our road folks leave out toys, furniture, books, etc it all goes.

It is not like it's not old here during winter.
I find it absolutely jaw dropping how people let kids go to school here and then they moan about constant ilnesses etc.

We shop regularly from Vinted, Primark, and other bargain stores.
Any excess clothing or items that have been outgrown are put on eBay or Vinted.

You did a good thing, OP.
But why on earth did you chuck the boots, when there are so many other places that would have snapped you hand off?
Local charities, food bank, schools, community centres, Freecycle…
When I was so poor that children's shoes were a real issue, I would have wept for joy at getting some like that.
If you can, please retrieve them from going into landfill, and donate them somewhere.

@Mercurian don’t know about other area’s but in mine I have noticed it is usually the older, posh(up there self)well educated parent’s who kids are the ones causing chaos, running around trashing things while the parent just stands talking with the occasional ‘oh don’t do that’ then back to chatting and not paying their child the attention they are obviously looking for.

In our local village we have a giving page. Where many of us pass on stuff we don't need for free, quite often kids clothes and shoes. Or let stuff outside with a bit free sign and no one destroys it. It's always gone down really well. So I would be surprised by this behaviour here.

I remember going to school in snow wearing my normal school shoes because the thought of wearing wellies was just too dreadful to contemplate. My mother bought suitable footwear, but I wouldn't be seen dead in it.

I'd also never, ever take clothing of any sort off a wall in full view of everyone. Might as well rifle through bins.

I can see you had the best intentions, but I can understand the kids' and parents' POV, tbh - it feels pitying and patronising from the other side, and emotions like that tend to bring out the worst in us, hence crappy behaviour. Not trying to excuse it, and I can see that you clearly didn't have pitying/patronising thoughts in mind, I'm just trying to explain how it might have come across.

Perhaps take them to a food bank, they might go to people who need them.

I agree there's so many arseholes out there, my partner had ketchup thrown at his car overnight the other day 🙄

Poor parenting is not exclusive to any one part of society. Some particular pressures are felt more keenly by some groups than others and these pressures can lead to other issues that can make parenting well even more of a challenge.

That really is bollocks - nothing to do with pride, just very rude behaviour from children and their parents.

It really isn’t bollocks. It is rude, I agree with you on that, but there is a very strong sense amongst some people that to accept anything that is second hand is almost repulsive.

I don’t know if that may be changing as second hand is becoming a bit more fashionable due to environmental concerns.

I went to school in a very poor area. Even walking past the local charity shop would bring with it jeers and taunts about being a ‘scrubber.’ I mean, literally walking past it. To truly show your disdain, you had to cross the road

You were also bullied if you had unbranded trainers.

Of course, the OP says that this isn’t the case by her but I do still stand by the fact that some people see things being given away as rubbish and to be treated as such.

That's really thoughtful for you to do, especially as you could've probably engaged them and made a few extra quid for yourself.

Unfortunately, you can't change how others parent.

You could put the boots on FB marketplace for free and see if there's any interest. Free items usually get nabbed super quick around my area. It'll save them being thrown around the street at least!

Not read the whole thread but OP what you did sounds very decent of you and I have benefited from people like you before. My guess as to why this happened is

• if they detected any of your thinking "I noticed that quite a few children were in the snow in slip on ballet pump style shoes or canvas shoes" they might feel defensive/too proud to take them
• if you live in a small community where it would be obvious a child is wearing shoes you put out some might not want that (as pp said strong sense of pride)
• unsupervised kids just messing about, parents don't know or care
• kids did not read your note and did not realise why they were out

but well done for doing this anyway. trying to buy my kids clothes etc as christmas presents makes me remember when kind neighbours have given me second hand clothes etc and how grateful i was at the time

I'm with you @Climbingsteepsteps - the worst, the absolute WORST thing you could be called was a pov (short for poverty case). And when people feel they're being treated like charity cases (even if it's not what was intended) they tend to bridle and bristle and not only ignore the offer but ridicule it - "as if I'd want their old sh*t" and the like.

Not saying it's right or that the behaviour is OK, just that I can understand it.

"I went to school in a very poor area. Even walking past the local charity shop would bring with it jeers and taunts about being a ‘scrubber.’ I mean, literally walking past it. To truly show your disdain, you had to cross the road."

Same here. My mum used to go to jumble sales and I refused to go with her after starting secondary school in case I was seen there.

A child in my class was coming to school with wet socks from walking through the snow in leaky shoes. I gave her a pair of my grandson's old wellies (Hunters, still good condition). The best time it snowed she was back in the leaky shoes so I asked where the wellies were. She told me her Dad had sold them in the pub.

It is a very well documented phenomenon that people don't take as much care over things that are viewed as low value. So by advertising them for free, a lot of people would have automatically viewed them as worthless (no matter how nice/good condition they were).

Now of course that doesn't excuse letting your kids chuck things around the pavement, but some people are always going to be rough (regardless of socio-economic status).

I just hope the actions of a small minority don't put you off doing things like that in future.

It was a very nice thing to do. When I see something in the street advertised for free I usually have to walk past it at least twice before I psyche myself up to take it, I'm not sure why, just pure inertia I think.