Mother in Law is in her sixties, retired and sadly widowed.. we get along nicely but we are two very different people.
She lives a forty minute drive away but is a nervous driver...wont drive in the dark/ bad weather/uses SATNAV for every trip even when she knows the route for reassurance.
Since my firstborn (daughter) arrived she has been coming over to 'help out' once a week. It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home as I know she has struggled with depression since the death of her husband. She doesn't really have friends/hobbies. At first I thought she would eventually get back on her feet and build a life for herself but that is not happening and now I fear I have dug myself a hole. The issue I have is the length/time/frequency of her visits. She comes over and often doesn't want to drive home so she stays for a night, quiet often two night every single week. She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.
When she visits my two year old daughter gets very clingy to Grandma and shuns me, wanting Grandma to do everything for her and shouting 'no' at me constantly. Normally me and my daughter are super close and she is well behaved for me and doesn't shout at me like that when we are on our own. I find the dynamic/atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma if that makes sense.
Our house only has two bedrooms and daughter has a single trundle bed that can convert to a double so Grandma ends up sharing daughters bed every week. I love their close bond and want her to enjoy a good relationship with grandma but I can't help but feel secretly hurt and like I become a back seat driver with my own daughter in my own home. Id rather she came for the day but go home before dark....... She struggles to get here in the morning as she is 'not a morning person' so that is how she weedles her way in by arriving in the afternoon not leaving much time before dark.
I don't know how to get out of this situation of having MIL staying over a couple of nights a week. Im finding it so stressful having another body in my home every week, someone else to worry about. If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.
She would be gutted if she knew I felt this way but I don't think she realises how stressed I feel with two little children, the lack of time to myself and the constant work load. In her mind I genuinely think she feels she is 'helping' but truth be told I find these long visits add to my stress.
She gravitates toward the toddler and its really my son I am struggling with and needing help with. He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding and loud alot of the time. He is frustrated at his lack of movement and it's exhausting. I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears off out the house with my daughter to a park or cafe leaving me in the house still contending with a screaming baby. My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help but ends up making my job more difficult.
Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help ect. Which I know she is and I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just be honest. I dont think he would cope well if my mum came to stay over two night a week! I have tried to gently suggest this to make him aware of it but I just don't think he gets it. He is at work for most of him mums visit so it's left to me.
I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our life's now her feet are firmly in the door. As I can't see her changing. Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families. Meaning she is only ever at home on her own for one or two nights a week. I don't know how they feel about this as my husband isn't close enough to them to ask.
I feel awful for her and her struggles but what can we do to help her be more comfortable building her own life/being comfortable in her own home? How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings.
Sorry for the long rant. AIBU?