MIL Sleeps over at our house once a week

[TwoBabas]

Mother in Law is in her sixties, retired and sadly widowed.. we get along nicely but we are two very different people.

She lives a forty minute drive away but is a nervous driver...wont drive in the dark/ bad weather/uses SATNAV for every trip even when she knows the route for reassurance.
Since my firstborn (daughter) arrived she has been coming over to 'help out' once a week. It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home as I know she has struggled with depression since the death of her husband. She doesn't really have friends/hobbies. At first I thought she would eventually get back on her feet and build a life for herself but that is not happening and now I fear I have dug myself a hole. The issue I have is the length/time/frequency of her visits. She comes over and often doesn't want to drive home so she stays for a night, quiet often two night every single week. She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.
When she visits my two year old daughter gets very clingy to Grandma and shuns me, wanting Grandma to do everything for her and shouting 'no' at me constantly. Normally me and my daughter are super close and she is well behaved for me and doesn't shout at me like that when we are on our own. I find the dynamic/atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma if that makes sense.

Our house only has two bedrooms and daughter has a single trundle bed that can convert to a double so Grandma ends up sharing daughters bed every week. I love their close bond and want her to enjoy a good relationship with grandma but I can't help but feel secretly hurt and like I become a back seat driver with my own daughter in my own home. Id rather she came for the day but go home before dark....... She struggles to get here in the morning as she is 'not a morning person' so that is how she weedles her way in by arriving in the afternoon not leaving much time before dark.

I don't know how to get out of this situation of having MIL staying over a couple of nights a week. Im finding it so stressful having another body in my home every week, someone else to worry about. If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.
She would be gutted if she knew I felt this way but I don't think she realises how stressed I feel with two little children, the lack of time to myself and the constant work load. In her mind I genuinely think she feels she is 'helping' but truth be told I find these long visits add to my stress.

She gravitates toward the toddler and its really my son I am struggling with and needing help with. He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding and loud alot of the time. He is frustrated at his lack of movement and it's exhausting. I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears off out the house with my daughter to a park or cafe leaving me in the house still contending with a screaming baby. My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help but ends up making my job more difficult.

Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help ect. Which I know she is and I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just be honest. I dont think he would cope well if my mum came to stay over two night a week! I have tried to gently suggest this to make him aware of it but I just don't think he gets it. He is at work for most of him mums visit so it's left to me.

I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our life's now her feet are firmly in the door. As I can't see her changing. Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families. Meaning she is only ever at home on her own for one or two nights a week. I don't know how they feel about this as my husband isn't close enough to them to ask.
I feel awful for her and her struggles but what can we do to help her be more comfortable building her own life/being comfortable in her own home? How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings.

Sorry for the long rant. AIBU?

You have an OH problem and the issue is that he’s not listening to you. Nor is MIL.
Everyone is having a lovely time so why should they change - unfortunately it puts you in the position where you will have to stick up for yourself. And as mum it’s really really important that you look after urself too.

So ur not being unreasonable. Tell ur OH he has to call up his mum and say that he is looking after you because it’s a lot of work for you to have guests every week. And that its not possible to carry on with current arrangements.

In the meantime, you make plans to not be in. Do not make the bed - it’s ur OHs job.

Your daughter having a close relationship with her grandmother, and you feeling like a back seat parent, has nothing to do with your MIL staying overnight!

My DGD is like that and the only time I slept at her house, was when her brother was born! DS asked her one day

”Who looks after you better - Mummy or Daddy?” She said “Grandma!”

Another day, he asked her

”Whose cooking is better - Mummy or Daddy’s?” She replied “Grandma’s!”

Luckily, my daughter in law sees it as a positive that DGD has another close adult in her life; and when DGD is suffering sibling rivalry (exhibited as winding her brother up ALL day), we have her for the day, to give her some 1:1 time! We will help them out whenever we can; so if their car is at the garage; I’ll help them take the children to and from nursery/school or look after them, if she’s offered an extra shift!

she comes over for a half day, then husband drives her to her house with daughter and the 3 of them have a sleepover at hers

You sound lovely.
This situation sounds hard.
You only have two bedrooms so this isn't sustainable. I would have to sit down with her and tell you how you feel- be factual eg the extra washing
Say you want her to visit, but can we work out a schedule eg stay over once a fortnight but visit once a week. Even that sounds like it might be too much!

Don't give her a key if you go down the "we'll be out thay afternoon route". Maybe suggest what time you'll be home and what food she can bring with her for tea. And ask her to bring her own towel and sheets too.

I'm 59 no grandchildren yet but may do in next few years. I would never do this to my children. I was widowed when I was 48 but met and married someone this year and life is great. It is so selfish to put your needs onto your children's. My now husband lived 30-40 mins from me depending on traffic...we shared nights at each others houses. He is 64. So nearly your mums age. She needs to be less reliant and more flexible

I echo what other posters have already said, but you need to stop 'gently suggesting' things to your husband and you need to start laying some ground rules and sticking to them.

My MIL would have been exactly like this if we had allowed it, fortunately my DH realised pretty quickly that I wasn't going to put up with this kind of interfering and over the top involvement in our lives.

Good luck, it's not easy, but setting some rules and sticking to them will bring you peace in the long run.

Be firm with your husband. It's too much and YOU are his priority not his mum. Get her visits down to one night once a month, that's plenty. He can go and see her at home if he feels she needs more support

Don’t know how you have allowed it to get to this stage tbh. Also I wouldn’t be happy with my child having to share a bed with grandma twice a week when she throws herself in you.

tell your husband to speak to his mum or you will. I would say she can come over once a week but no more over night stays.

Have a set day. It's useful as kids get older or you have more children, to be able to plan a haircut or whatever on a Thursday because Granny is coming. Make good use of her then everyone benefits. And do go to the groups. Just tell her you're going and maybe some weeks she could go instead of you.

I realise she's his mum, but seriously if my DH didn't sort that crap out I'd give him the uktinate ultimatum. Its the family house, not part time granny house especially as her coming over randomly causes stress and issues, no help. Maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks, and no overnights in a house without a proper guest bed - I wouldnt let anyone share a bed with one of my kids except me/DH. Personally find it bloody creepy (not suggesting anything weird going on, its just its my childs space, not for sharing, and they need a decent sleep).
Admittedly biased because introvert and I generally don't want anyone here except us...DH the same, we need our own space and are exhausted by house guests here longer than a few hours. We hate disruption, and bathing worse than someone inviting themselves and draining all your energy. We even refused guests for all but a few hours visit to meet each new baby - its immediate family time (and boobs out so much of the time with mine when very little)

I think you are being unkind. She's clearly got some issues around being at home on her own. Would you be happy if your partner stayed over with her at her home a few nights a week? There is absolutely no reason why you can't take your 7 month old out to a group whilst your toddler is out with her gran. It sounds like by taking her out she thinks she is not in your way so you can crack on.

I'd be honest and say that you want her to make Saturday or Sunday her visit day so she can spend time with her son too. That way you know when she is going to turn up and the extra work can be shared with your partner. I really don't think cooking for one more person is a lot of hassle as long as you know they are going to be there. If she pushes back then you need to respond and be firm that said day doesn't work for you and you won't be able.to accommodate her. For any of this ro work though you and your partner née ro be on the same page and that is your biggest issue.

Make your plans, stick to them, tell her you’ll be out at xyz and you won’t have time for her then. Let DH take the kids to visit his DM at her house some weekends. Get your DH to make the bed, wash bedding for his DM when she does stay.
Of course be kind about it, she’s lonely and trying to help/have a relationship with her grandkids. But also jeez it would drive me crazy. Try to change the schedule at least some weeks and make sure your DH is the one entertaining her when he can. And he should be the one to talk to her about when she can come.

@Sceptre86 she is in her sixties, she needs to learn to cope being by herself. She could have another 30 years needing to sleep at someone else’s house

As the mumsnet saying goes

you have a dh problem-wants to look after her but youve got to entertain her and do all the chores-no sorry you have to have it out

its disturbing your childrens routine its stopping you going out its tiring you out-why cant he go visit her on he weekends with the kids

also the bed thing isnt right

soon both will be in one room she cant carry on sleeping in there

I can understand this would be so frustrating for you, I do feel for MIL she must be really lonely. Can you help her finding some activities so she can make some new friends, discover hobbies etc?

I can see why this is difficult for you but think perhaps you need to be gentle and kind about changing the system. I think initially you should just try to mix things up a bit. Suggest you go to her one day instead sometimes; suggest a weekend other times to DH can be more involved, suggest missing the odd week if you have other things on. Basically, breaking the expectation of staying over a night every week but still keeping up weekly contact. Things may evolve more naturally then to less frequent contact if that’s what you want but MIL won’t feel
offended or rejected.

@Quisquam

You sound like a lovely grandma. But with respect it does sound as if the OP does get a much worse deal than your DIL when her MIL is there - firstly, she is there for ages (maybe your DIL would be less positive if you were in her space "better parenting" her daughter for 48 hours solidly on a consistent basis) and secondly she has to do stuff to host MIL. Presumably you also look after the other grandchild on occasion so that DIL gets the benefit of time with her daughter too?

I don't mind the fact that my parents are the "treat" for my daughter and she wants to spend all her time with them to make them most of them when they are here. If they were with me for an unbroken stretch of 48 hours every week it would start to grate on me!

I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups.

Why on earth not? Make your plans, and if she inserts herself into a part of the week that doesn't work for you, SAY SO. "Sorry MIL I will be out that day, DH would love to see you if you would like to come over Sunday evening instead."

I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears

"MIL you've just caused the dog to bark which has woken DS up. Why didn't you text me??" - Let HER feel the awkwardness.

For goodness sake don't wash the bedding after one or two nights if she's the one who is going to be using it again soon! Is the bed the trundle type that can be popped back under DD's bed with the sheet still on until next week? Then do that - and get HER to change the sheets, especially as she's claiming to be there to help you!

Put upon her a bit more often. "Oh thank goodness you're here, here hold DS I'm desperate to go out for a walk to clear my head, DD is playing in the living room, see you in half an hour!" "Oh MIL I'm so glad you're here to help, can you make dinner while I bath DS? There's mince in the freezer for spag bol, I won't be long, byeee" "Can you put the rubbish out?" "Can you feed the dog while I just..." etc.

And yes, your H needs to do the hosting and extra load. Make it clear to him what you did and that you won't be doing it any more, and that you expect him to step up. And don't be afraid to name it to your MIL: "Oh, isn't your bed made up? DH said he'd do that, I expect he will when he gets in from work." "Right it's 8pm and I'm off to have a bath and an early night, have a lovely evening catching up with each other, DH don't forget to unload the dishwasher, Goodnight!"

I think you are being unkind. She's clearly got some issues around being at home on her own. Would you be happy if your partner stayed over with her at her home a few nights a week?

😂unreal! She’s a grown woman. OP’s partner has his own household to be with and look after now.

"So, MIL, DS will be moving into DD's bedroom come the start of the new year, so come January any sleepovers will need to be at your house.
I'll leave the times and dates up to you and DH to sort out in future."
It gives her a couple of weeks notice, perfectly reasonable.
And takes control of things, seeing as you DH appears to be unwilling or unable to stand up to her railroading your household.

Your DH has some cheek saying 'he' needs to keep looking after her while swanning off to work and leaving it all to you.

This isn't sustainable so you need to introduce some boundaries over time. You initially thought this was a short term thing, and your MIL was recently bereaved so it makes sense you were accomodating and put her wishes first, but that doesn't mean you need to do it forever.

I'd be more vocal about what works for you:

'MIL I've been wanting more 1:1 time with DD. Thanks for looking after DS while we go to the cafe. Back at 4'

'DH from now on you are changing the sheets and cooking dinner the nights your MIL comes'

'MIL, both the kids are napping! It's a miracle, please excuse me while I seize this opportunity to rest.'

'MIL, I didn't know you were coming - please text next time. We've made plans with a friend, make yourself at home while we are out'

You have my sympathy.
Lots of good advice here.
You sound so kind.

And you are definitely not being unreasonable. This would drive me insane.

But it's also the kind of situation I would find myself in because I also tend to put others first, and underestimate the toll on me.

An extra person in your space, an extra load of laundry, extra meals, extra chit chat - they are big things on their own but they build up. You have two small children, one an unsettled baby- you have a full plate without MIL.

She doesn't sound like a bad person, so I don't think you can stop the visits altogether- but I think you need to create a 'new normal' that you can live with for a while.

And doing something for a while doesn't mean you are bound to do it forever. You can change the routine again if it stops working for you. Realistically you will get busier with things outside the house as your children get older- play dates, parties, dance classes, swimming lessons etc. she'll have to adapt as well.