MIL Sleeps over at our house once a week

[TwoBabas]

Mother in Law is in her sixties, retired and sadly widowed.. we get along nicely but we are two very different people.

She lives a forty minute drive away but is a nervous driver...wont drive in the dark/ bad weather/uses SATNAV for every trip even when she knows the route for reassurance.
Since my firstborn (daughter) arrived she has been coming over to 'help out' once a week. It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home as I know she has struggled with depression since the death of her husband. She doesn't really have friends/hobbies. At first I thought she would eventually get back on her feet and build a life for herself but that is not happening and now I fear I have dug myself a hole. The issue I have is the length/time/frequency of her visits. She comes over and often doesn't want to drive home so she stays for a night, quiet often two night every single week. She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.
When she visits my two year old daughter gets very clingy to Grandma and shuns me, wanting Grandma to do everything for her and shouting 'no' at me constantly. Normally me and my daughter are super close and she is well behaved for me and doesn't shout at me like that when we are on our own. I find the dynamic/atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma if that makes sense.

Our house only has two bedrooms and daughter has a single trundle bed that can convert to a double so Grandma ends up sharing daughters bed every week. I love their close bond and want her to enjoy a good relationship with grandma but I can't help but feel secretly hurt and like I become a back seat driver with my own daughter in my own home. Id rather she came for the day but go home before dark....... She struggles to get here in the morning as she is 'not a morning person' so that is how she weedles her way in by arriving in the afternoon not leaving much time before dark.

I don't know how to get out of this situation of having MIL staying over a couple of nights a week. Im finding it so stressful having another body in my home every week, someone else to worry about. If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.
She would be gutted if she knew I felt this way but I don't think she realises how stressed I feel with two little children, the lack of time to myself and the constant work load. In her mind I genuinely think she feels she is 'helping' but truth be told I find these long visits add to my stress.

She gravitates toward the toddler and its really my son I am struggling with and needing help with. He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding and loud alot of the time. He is frustrated at his lack of movement and it's exhausting. I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears off out the house with my daughter to a park or cafe leaving me in the house still contending with a screaming baby. My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help but ends up making my job more difficult.

Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help ect. Which I know she is and I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just be honest. I dont think he would cope well if my mum came to stay over two night a week! I have tried to gently suggest this to make him aware of it but I just don't think he gets it. He is at work for most of him mums visit so it's left to me.

I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our life's now her feet are firmly in the door. As I can't see her changing. Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families. Meaning she is only ever at home on her own for one or two nights a week. I don't know how they feel about this as my husband isn't close enough to them to ask.
I feel awful for her and her struggles but what can we do to help her be more comfortable building her own life/being comfortable in her own home? How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings.

Sorry for the long rant. AIBU?

Which is your choice. OP would not choose this for herself. And the 'marriage' element works both ways - her DH is not helping with any of this.

It's not your job to babysit your mother in law. Your husband should be doing this at the weekend if he feels obliged. You have 2 young children that need your life and attention. While I'm sure she means well she seems to be getting in the way of that and you have an extra person to look after as she's not helping with anything in the house. It's down to your husband to bring this up with her too. I'd hate this if I was in your shoes.

Her mother in law isn't taking both children so she can relax, it's creating more work for OP by having to look after an extra person.

You really need to have an honest conversation with your DH. Spell out what the daily routine is when she’s visiting as he might just believe that she is helping (and could be even encouraging her to visit to ‘help’ you!).

@TwoBabas You answer the question yourself. You ask: "How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings."

So you say you'd prefer not to have overnight stays as you find it hard to plan around, but she's welcome to come earlier in the day and leave before nightfall.

Being not a morning person is not an excuse is it? It sounds more like she is really wanting to stay the night so perhaps there are other reasons for this.

She might be frightened of being alone in the evenings/night. Or maybe her grief is more overwhelming then. I really feel sympathetic about that. But if she is going to others several nights a week and yours a couple of nights a week, she is not going to get used to it and could be dependent on this arrangement and it will become more and more cemented. Maybe your DH could actually going over and stay at hers a night a week. Then maybe gradually reducing it. It might be she needs to get used to spending those nights at her own home, and then spending more overnights there on her own.

It might be someone needs to speak with her about how she's feeling. Would moving help? Or your DH being available on the phone overnight if she feels worried for a while? Or having podcasts or other distractions set up for her if she is struggling with nighttimes? But ultimately this current arrangement isn't the answer as it will likely make you annoyed with her and may damage your relationship which would be a shame, and ultimately it won't help her come to terms with staying in her own place.

Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families
I think she has no thought at all for how this affects the hosts, she's overwhelmed can't cope with being alone and following her impulse to dig herself in with whoever will have her.

Good for you and your MIL but wildly irrelevant to the OP.

Thank you ❤️.

Unfortunately, when I lived in the UK, my now ex-DIL hated me. Mind you, she also hated her own mother, her siblings, my husband and my other children. My son embraced my help, perhaps a little too enthusiastically for ex-DIL’s liking but I was lucky enough to have my grandson every weekend, which continued up until I left the UK and had a good bond with him. My other grandchildren are much younger, so I have only “met” them online, via Skype or zoom. The same with my 2 “new” DILs.

I always used to send them gifts over for birthdays and Christmas but after a few years of never even getting a thank-you, I just gave up and only send the children gifts now.

I love my life here, but I miss my grandchildren immensely! So, if anyone needs a grandma, I’m here!

You have the two bedrooms. You don’t have a spare room. Can your dh drive her back home or can she take public transport there and back in the day time. Could you visit her and go back in the afternoon. Not easy on public transport but perhaps easier than having her stay.

We have room for a spare Grandma if you're bored!!

My MIL is also lonely and lives by herself, no hobbies or interests but thankfully does work. She would absoloutely be like your MIL if I hadn't of set boundaries at the very start. She wanted to visit multiple times a week when DS was first born and expected to look after DS overnight from the get go (bought s bed, changing unit etc which were never used as he never stayed there) we've got it down to her visiting once a week which is more then enough for me but she often complains it's not enough. Me not wanting her around constantly has caused tension and we don't have a great relationship but I'd take that any day over her suffocating us all the time.

@JoanOfAllTrades if Carlsberg made Grandmas they'd need you for the ad, you sound amazing ❤️

That is so sad:( I'm from a culture where grandparents are vital to the upbringing of grandchildren - even my exh appreciated all the help my parents gave and genuinely never grumbled about their frequent presence as they helped and filled the fridge! And I think there is this "guest" mentality sometimes rather than family. I was so gutted my MIL was in the "guest" camp, it destroyed our relationship as it was such an imposition. It shouldn't feel like more work - the issue OP seems to feel.

You, with husband's back up, have got to bite the bullet or this will be your life for years. You need to tell all of this to husband and seek agreement on what will be okay for everyone. If overnight stays are too difficult, she needs to arrive in the morning and leave by 5 pm. If weekly is too much, fortnightly it needs to be. You need to know exactly when she is going to be visiting, so a regular day is necessary. Why not use a weekend day, then husband is there to do things with HIS MUM. She'd probably rather spend time with him anyway. You are being a martyr over this and it's spoiling your life.

Presumably you also look after the other grandchild on occasion so that DIL gets the benefit of time with her daughter too?

Yes, we have him on his own for the day sometimes. We had them both for the weekend, so DS and DDIL could go away for his birthday treat.

As for sleeping in the bed with grandma, DS tells me to take one of them into bed with me, if one wakes early, to get more sleep, although we have two spare bedrooms, so I can easily sleep with one in the spare double bed. It’s musical beds in their house!

I’m here 🙌🏽

Thank you so much!

Much like @cara345, in my cultur, grandmas who aren’t extremely old/have their faculties, are there to help the new parents to settle and bond with their child. This includes cooking, washing, shopping etc.

I’ve always thought it a shame when I hear of grandparents who just want to go and visit as “guests” and not be proactive. Surely, the whole point is to reduce the work in the parents so that they actually have space mentally and emotionally to bond with their child? And this shouldn’t be for just a week or two but should be an ongoing effort until the child starts primary school.

I had my grandchild every weekend at the parents request because, being in their early 20s, they wanted to go out and have fun, which is understandable. And it gave them a chance to be together and reconnect after a long week of work, etc. This is how grand parenting should be 🌹

@JoanOfAllTrades my kids are still young, but I hope I'm fit enough to be just like you when I grow up 🙂

When there is love in the heart, anything is possible! You will be a fine grandma, just as you are an excellent mum ❤️

The same in my culture! Your DIL/SIL is, by virtue of marrying your child, now one of your children. If you can’t/won’t treat them as such, or treat them as close family members, then stay away! Don’t go and add more burden by your presence. It’s mindboggling that @TwoBabas MIL goes to her house and acts like an extra child! As the senior, she needs to realise that she is ultimately responsible for the household whilst she is there! As the matriarch of the family, that is her duty and her responsibility! OP needs make her needs known to MIL and then MIL needs to fulfill them as she would if OP was her daughter. The level of apathy that the MIL displays is astounding! As my dad says, if she (MIL) isn’t listening, she needs her ears rubbed until they are red enough to ensure she listens! 🌹

P.S. My dad has never rubbed by ears, but often threatens too! Even though he lives thousands of miles away 😂

I'm not so sure @JoanOfAllTrades. I am not the matriarch for my dil, her own mother is. Also, whilst of course I'd help chip in at my ds and dil's it is their home and it would be overstepping to treat it as a "matriarch" and imo very disrespectful to my dil. Similarly if my MIL had behaved like a matriarch in my home I'd have been unimpressed.

If my dc have their own dc under no circumstances will I be having my grandchildren every weekend so they can go out. I would hope they are mature enough to have got the going out and having fun under their belts before they have dc and if not they aren't mature enough to have taken that step. My mother and MIL would not have done it and neither as a fully functioning mature couple would dh or I have wanted it. Mother and/or MIL helped in the odd emergency - otherwise we were adult enough to provide our own care, personally or by paying for it. Just as we were mature enough to set up our own home and ensure we were financially stable enough to support a family.

If my dc were insufficiently independent and capable of being responsible for their own DC then DH and I would have failed in our duty to properly bring them up. Notwithstanding the fact that dh and I are still working in their 60s.

@RosesAndHellebores I’m with you. I wouldn’t be too impressed if DS had a child then expected us to look after them every weekend so he could maintain a pre-parent social life.

I also wouldn’t want to take on matriarch role, either as DM or MIL. Happy to help but not assume head of household when visiting.

I also can’t imagine cleaning/tidying a friend’s house, I would find that so rude if someone did that to me.

I think she has no thought at all for how this affects the hosts, she's overwhelmed can't cope with being alone and following her impulse to dig herself in with whoever will have her.

People with depression don't have the energy to think about anybody else. It wouldn't be a recognised MH problem, if people were functioning perfectly normally, would it?

I'd hardly call MIL needing help from her DS at one of the worst times of her life, as "digging herself in with whoever will have her".

@RosesAndHellebores @toomuchlaundry

I never minded have DGS at the weekends. If I hadn’t have wanted to look after him, I would have said so and there were times when it wasn’t convenient. Perhaps it’s the cultural differences because it’s quite normal for the MIL/mum to look after grandchildren and to be seen as the head of the family - and that’s not in a bad or horrible way! And I certainly never thought of any of my children as not being independent or mature! It also allowed for my DGS to bond with his aunts and uncles. In my culture, we believe that children are more secure when they know that they are loved and have people around them that care for them and have their backs. I also wasn’t in my 60’s and I was still fairly energetic as well! Plus, once we decided to leave so I could come back here, all the time spent with the grandchildren was so precious to us. We knew then, that flights and the time spent flying would mean that trips back would be far and few between and in fact, we haven’t been back since moving here.

@JoanOfAllTrades funnily enough in my culture it's considered very important that children are secure when they have people around them who love them and have their backs. They can be loved without palming off responsibility to parents. I find the inference if your comment quite offensive.

For what it's worth, if my mother or mother in law had come to my home and started cleaning I'd have found it unspeakably rude and they would have been invited to stop coming if they felt they needed to clean. My cleaner does my cleaning, not my mother, and I would never be so disrespectful as to ask her to.

DH and I won't be moving thousands of miles away from our families. We love them too much.