MIL Sleeps over at our house once a week

[TwoBabas]

Mother in Law is in her sixties, retired and sadly widowed.. we get along nicely but we are two very different people.

She lives a forty minute drive away but is a nervous driver...wont drive in the dark/ bad weather/uses SATNAV for every trip even when she knows the route for reassurance.
Since my firstborn (daughter) arrived she has been coming over to 'help out' once a week. It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home as I know she has struggled with depression since the death of her husband. She doesn't really have friends/hobbies. At first I thought she would eventually get back on her feet and build a life for herself but that is not happening and now I fear I have dug myself a hole. The issue I have is the length/time/frequency of her visits. She comes over and often doesn't want to drive home so she stays for a night, quiet often two night every single week. She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.
When she visits my two year old daughter gets very clingy to Grandma and shuns me, wanting Grandma to do everything for her and shouting 'no' at me constantly. Normally me and my daughter are super close and she is well behaved for me and doesn't shout at me like that when we are on our own. I find the dynamic/atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma if that makes sense.

Our house only has two bedrooms and daughter has a single trundle bed that can convert to a double so Grandma ends up sharing daughters bed every week. I love their close bond and want her to enjoy a good relationship with grandma but I can't help but feel secretly hurt and like I become a back seat driver with my own daughter in my own home. Id rather she came for the day but go home before dark....... She struggles to get here in the morning as she is 'not a morning person' so that is how she weedles her way in by arriving in the afternoon not leaving much time before dark.

I don't know how to get out of this situation of having MIL staying over a couple of nights a week. Im finding it so stressful having another body in my home every week, someone else to worry about. If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.
She would be gutted if she knew I felt this way but I don't think she realises how stressed I feel with two little children, the lack of time to myself and the constant work load. In her mind I genuinely think she feels she is 'helping' but truth be told I find these long visits add to my stress.

She gravitates toward the toddler and its really my son I am struggling with and needing help with. He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding and loud alot of the time. He is frustrated at his lack of movement and it's exhausting. I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears off out the house with my daughter to a park or cafe leaving me in the house still contending with a screaming baby. My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help but ends up making my job more difficult.

Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help ect. Which I know she is and I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just be honest. I dont think he would cope well if my mum came to stay over two night a week! I have tried to gently suggest this to make him aware of it but I just don't think he gets it. He is at work for most of him mums visit so it's left to me.

I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our life's now her feet are firmly in the door. As I can't see her changing. Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families. Meaning she is only ever at home on her own for one or two nights a week. I don't know how they feel about this as my husband isn't close enough to them to ask.
I feel awful for her and her struggles but what can we do to help her be more comfortable building her own life/being comfortable in her own home? How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings.

Sorry for the long rant. AIBU?

Takes an hour and a half of OP own time though,

She's a lonely old lady. It looks like she'll be able to help out with childcare and date nights in the near future and she's your responsibility too, despite mumsnet telling you to make DH do everything and make her sleep in a cardbox box in the shed. She's your family and she is a fellow human being.

The haphazard arrival and departure would annoy me. It's rude of her to expect you to be ready to receive her and host her at random days and times. Sit down with her and speak frankly that while you have young children and DH works, you have a routine that works for you and your family. Make her stick to a regular day and time to arrive and leave. Then grit your teeth and make her feel welcome.

She sounds very lonely, given that she's doing the same with other relatives and spending very little time in her former marital home. So it feels harsh to cut her off completely. Could you encourage her t move closer to you so that she can visit regularly but not need to stay?

But here is absolutely no reason why you have to stay at home when she's here - make those plans for baby groups etc, and go to them. MIL will either have to stay at your house while you're out, or, if appropriate, come with you (obv not the baby groups, but maybe to the library or shopping). Ask her to wash up/help with meal preparation/laundry.

And the staying over will have to be rethought once your DS moves into his sister's room (but you will have to move eventually with DC of different sexes sharing a room). Maybe plan this for the summer when nights are longer and it's easier for her to drive home, and not resume next autumn?

Finally, are you currently on ML? If so, when you go back would she not be the ideal free childcare?

@CinnamonJellyBeans she's not old, she's in her 60s she also spends most of the rest of the week at other family members homes.
Why is she the OPs responsibility to look after, and I don't think I've seen a single 'banish her to the shed in a box' post?

@CinnamonJellyBeans she is in her sixties. She needs to get a life of her own not relying on other family members. She can still have time with the grandchildren but not as much, and certainly not so much as it makes more work for OP, especially when she has 2 young children to look after

She’s not a lonely old lady. She’s in her 60’s and fortunate not to be still working. I’m late 60’s and my single contemporaries would not dream of being so selfish. She has likely been self centred her entire life and now can’t see beyond “poor me”.

She has no respect for you or for her son, you are simply there to fulfil her needs, as are the other relatives she lumbers herself with through the week. She has no right to behave like this just because you are family. You deserve at least the respect she would afford to any other human being.

No excuses or fannying around with alternative suggestions, I would be calling a halt to this today. It’s not up to you to facilitate her preferred arrangements.

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and show some respect for his wife. Now.

Time for you to start behaving to your DH in the same way that you now know his mother behaves.
He's married to you, not her.

He should be trying to make YOUR life easier.

Does she have any friends? Does she have a social life of her own? He needs to drive her home every time she visits. Could she get public transport to your home? She may not want to travel to you as often if she is directed to take public transport even if there is a lift at the other end to return her home.

Definitely get your DH to step up here.

I agree with this tbh

Why should her coming stop you from making plans? Also very odd that you think she should help with the baby instead of the toddler. Your DD is gravitating towards granny because she gives her attention she needs, which is hard to meet when you’ve a baby too

Have had a similar. Long term it did nothing for the relationship with my second child. No1 is clearly the favourite and no 2 can do nothing right.

I was just thinking this, too @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams , The bllatant favouritism will upset the younger child as well as OP, and will cause problems between the siblings as they get older.

No, it's not the job of the junior female in the group to care about everyone else's needs when no one is reciprocating, or to put herself out and take the hardship nobly so no one else has to make an effort. Then 1950s are over, this isn't being kind, it's being a doormat.

DH wants to take care of his DM by deploying you, does he? And he's regretful but firm that while this doesn't work for you it works for him and her?

Lots of good advice here. But the bottom line is that your feelings and needs matter just as much as theirs do, and at present you're the only one who cares about other people having uncomfortable feelings and needs going unmet.

Gerat advice straight from the Grandma's mouth.

Completely agree with @JoanOfAllTrades here. This is brilliant advice.

OP- you've had lots of replies on here. I resonated with every word you said. My mum spends a lot of time here - she doesn't sleep over but she's on her own and we see her 3/4 days a week.

When my youngest was born, she would come round, help with my ironing and cleaning and make me some food. My mil... not so much. Mil would come round. Expect me to make her drinks and make her some food and wouldn't offer to do anything to help me other than hold the baby for a few mins. It was clear to me that she wasn't going to offer to help me so I asked her directly - can you put that load in the dryer, can you pick me up some bits from the shop etc. I also said if she wanted to do something to really help me out she should come with a dish of something because cooking was something I didn't have any headspace for.

She actually embraced that came with a dish of something for ages which was great.

I think it's easy for grandparents to stick with the older one when a baby is here but quite rightly, it's good to have the relationship built all ways! Ask her to stay with baby whilst you go out with your DD for an hour or something.

She sounds lonely but she can’t keep this up when it’s making you unhappy in your own home.

when my fil died I asked my mum to invite my mil to a few places to get her out the house, she did and mil was really grateful to my mum for introducing her to new clubs, in the end she met her own friends and would sit with them raswell as my mum and her friends

it’s that first step of getting out and meeting new people.

could your dh go with her in the car a few times in the dark to get her confidence up

However id give her till the New year and then tell dh that he can’t just accept her coming over as you are meeting friends or attending baby groups to get the kids out and about. Delay her for a few weeks and get dh to visit her at the weekend with the children.

you also will be moving ds into dds room so that’s another reason why the overnight visits need to stop.

What everyone else has said.

Hi MIL great to hear you are coming but Daisy and I are going to tumble tots at 2pm and then having a mooch round the shops. It would be great if you can please look after the baby. If he naps can you please peel the potatoes and your bed linen is on the bed. Actually, hope you don't mind but I'm going to stop washing your linens every time you come and do them once a month. If that's not OK it would be great if you could.take them home to wash and bring them.back with you. It's just so busy with two under three.

Also your DH needs to tell her that arrangements are to be made directly with you because you run the family diary. He is disempowering you at present. Unless of course he suggests she comes at weekends when he can shoulder the load and you and he can go and have a drink and a bit of quality time.

As pps have said I’d either make a tonne of plans and leave her on the doorstep frustrated at least once (silly me, you must give us more notice) or make use of her- sign one kid up to a class and she’s responsible for taking them swimming or whatever. She gets to bond and you get two hours to yourself at least

OP, you have had lots of good advice on this thread. On the driving issue, perhaps suggest your MIL takes one of the Institute for Advanced Motorists courses or book her some refresher driving lessons. Also, some people benefit from anti-glare glasses.

I’m not sure why this is helpful to the OP.

Can't your OH say to save her driving in the dark he will drive the kids to see her ( at acceptable date / time). That was it's planned, you get time off and it looks like you are doing her a favour as she doesn't like driving.

My MIL was exactly this-it was so infuriating for her to just turn up unannounced with her thinking she is helping with DS when in fact she did sod all in the house. In the end I identified a day a week that she could come and she needed to stick to that day. When she arrived I started to leave DS with her and it was great to have a break away on my own out of the house. When I went back to work I also get her to look after DS one day a week and saved some money on nursery fees. It's good to nurture relationships between DC and GP but do what works for you. These are precious days OP with your little ones and it goes too fast and they will be grown up and at school before you know it so it's not worth stressing over this so sort this situation out asap it it's not making you happy -you DH needs to get involved to back you up.

@JoanOfAllTrades has great advice that I 100% agree with. This instinct to treat family like guests when they are treating you like family is, in my opinion, the source of a great deal of conflict. MIL lives in another country and used to turn up for 3 months at a time. I made it clear to DH that was fine, but I wasn't going to be running around treating her like a guest and accommodating her the entire time. If I had plans... I went and did them. If it was better for the DC to be somewhere else, they were somewhere else. If I was cooking dinner, MIL could eat dinner with us or not but I wasn't going to be preparing multiple options etc etc.

Also your DH needs to step up. If there is practical things like beds to be made, he can make them.

I do think also that being jealous of her bond with your DD is a mistake. You have DD the majority of the time and if your DD feels happy and secure with your MIL, that is only a good thing and longer term, will make your life easier. Agree that you should foster similar with DS - perhaps suggest you and DD go to the park while granny stays with DS occasionally.

Dh is expecting you to look after his mum two days a week. it is sad for her & also lovely that she’s so relaxed with you all, but this sounds too full on.
Where is dh in all of this?!
Could he take baby over to her place on a Saturday maybe & give you time alone with Dd?
It sounds pretty exhausting tbh. Dh needs to be looking out for you, as well as his mum. That includes him taking on more responsibility on the days he arranges for her to be in your home.

I like joanofalltrades advice. Change things gradually OP. Tell her that you’re starting some groups in the new year. If she comes to visit just go anyway. Start asking her for help e.g. Would you mind running the hoover round while I’m out, looking after the baby while I cook etc. Leave it a while then move baby into daughter’s room. Still be pleasant but treat her as part of the family, not a visitor. Just do it all gradually. There are groups for widows on meet up, outings etc. Would she feel confident to try that? Again change it very slowly. She’s had a very upsetting time but she isn’t a “lonely old woman” as some have said. I am a similar age to her and in the same position, she’s young enough to build up new interests but don’t rush her. I do identify with her not liking driving in the dark and bad weather. I am sure she loves seeing you and your children but she can’t totally depend on you for company.

@Roselilly36 that level of involvement from either my MIL or DM would have driven me mad.

@toomuchlaundry 😂 a lot of my friends used to say the same!

its part of marriage. My MIL regularly visits and looks after the kids while i can go for coffee with the girls