MIL Sleeps over at our house once a week

[TwoBabas]

Mother in Law is in her sixties, retired and sadly widowed.. we get along nicely but we are two very different people.

She lives a forty minute drive away but is a nervous driver...wont drive in the dark/ bad weather/uses SATNAV for every trip even when she knows the route for reassurance.
Since my firstborn (daughter) arrived she has been coming over to 'help out' once a week. It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home as I know she has struggled with depression since the death of her husband. She doesn't really have friends/hobbies. At first I thought she would eventually get back on her feet and build a life for herself but that is not happening and now I fear I have dug myself a hole. The issue I have is the length/time/frequency of her visits. She comes over and often doesn't want to drive home so she stays for a night, quiet often two night every single week. She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.
When she visits my two year old daughter gets very clingy to Grandma and shuns me, wanting Grandma to do everything for her and shouting 'no' at me constantly. Normally me and my daughter are super close and she is well behaved for me and doesn't shout at me like that when we are on our own. I find the dynamic/atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma if that makes sense.

Our house only has two bedrooms and daughter has a single trundle bed that can convert to a double so Grandma ends up sharing daughters bed every week. I love their close bond and want her to enjoy a good relationship with grandma but I can't help but feel secretly hurt and like I become a back seat driver with my own daughter in my own home. Id rather she came for the day but go home before dark....... She struggles to get here in the morning as she is 'not a morning person' so that is how she weedles her way in by arriving in the afternoon not leaving much time before dark.

I don't know how to get out of this situation of having MIL staying over a couple of nights a week. Im finding it so stressful having another body in my home every week, someone else to worry about. If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.
She would be gutted if she knew I felt this way but I don't think she realises how stressed I feel with two little children, the lack of time to myself and the constant work load. In her mind I genuinely think she feels she is 'helping' but truth be told I find these long visits add to my stress.

She gravitates toward the toddler and its really my son I am struggling with and needing help with. He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding and loud alot of the time. He is frustrated at his lack of movement and it's exhausting. I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears off out the house with my daughter to a park or cafe leaving me in the house still contending with a screaming baby. My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help but ends up making my job more difficult.

Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help ect. Which I know she is and I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just be honest. I dont think he would cope well if my mum came to stay over two night a week! I have tried to gently suggest this to make him aware of it but I just don't think he gets it. He is at work for most of him mums visit so it's left to me.

I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our life's now her feet are firmly in the door. As I can't see her changing. Also should add that when she is not at our house she also goes and spends a night at her two sisters houses with their husbands/families. Meaning she is only ever at home on her own for one or two nights a week. I don't know how they feel about this as my husband isn't close enough to them to ask.
I feel awful for her and her struggles but what can we do to help her be more comfortable building her own life/being comfortable in her own home? How can I ask her to come earlier and leave before dark as I don't really like the overnight stays. I just feel I can't hurt her feelings.

Sorry for the long rant. AIBU?

my dm came to my house when i went to work and cleaned and cooked and looked after my children
my mil had died by then.
but a helpful MIL is something to be treasured,
whatever you want her to do

@Willmafrockfit that seems such a lot to expect a grandparent to do. It’s like some grandparents don’t have a chance of a retirement

depends on the age and ability @toomuchlaundry
my dm was in her 60s, still working, retired at 63, that is not old!

So she was still working and then doing cleaning and cooking at yours and looking after DC, sounds like she was doing the same amount of work or more than you.

Did she have time to have a life of her own? Fine to do childcare but to do unpaid skivvying for you as well, seems too much.

I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed
It doesn't sound like nit picking.
It sounds like a lack of assertiveness.
Just stop doing it. I'm sure MiL or DH have hands, & can cope with making her bed.

Spoke to husband about this but he feels like he needs to look after his mum and worries about her being alone and depressed and reminds me she is just trying to help
Oh ha ha ha
But she'll text him that she's arriving on a Thursday, without reference to you, & presumably he is at work on the Friday? So where is HE looking after her? It's bullshit! He's palmed it all off onto you!
And she doesn't help.
You are picking up all the slack here.

You need to tell DH that "next week doesn't work for me because I'm seeing Jane & her kids" & ensure he puts paid to the next visit. Do it NOW because you're right - this weekly visit has become set in stone.
If DH lets you down - &/or if she turns up anyway (neither of them seem to have any respect for your time & personal space) - go out. "Sorry MiL, I know DH told you I was going out, so I can't host you today. I'll ring you next week, bye."
Or just genuinely BE out ...
Have a 'plan' for every day of the week next week.
Monday - sorry, beginners macrame, no can do.
Tuesday - sorry, toddler helicopter maintenance class
Wednesday - sorry, baby tuning grand piano for local manor house -
you get the picture?

Then start changing the regular visit for a more ad hoc schedule.
Mix it up with visiting her at her home - DH included of course.
If DH wants to host her, he'd better choose a weekend - or whenever he is not working - & HOST her, not foist her on you. That means all the planning, bed-making, shopping, cooking AND entertaining her. Not being safely out of the house, at work, banging on about how HE is "looking after his mum" ffs.

And work on your assertiveness skills.
What is stopping you from saying "going to need the week to myself next week, so won't be arranging your visit - but I'll call you the week after & we'll have you over for sunday lunch" ?
It's your house. Start acting like you believe that.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Ah come on - now WAY is this entitled, deluded man gonna do that.
He tells his wife that he can't put paid to the intrustive level of sleepovers because HE's "looking after" his mum - neatly sidestepping the fact that he's doing no such thing - his wife is.

Classic male appropriation of women's labour, with a side serving of passing it off as his own efforts.

OP needs to handle this herself - nobody else is going to. MiL & DH have a vested interest in preserving the status quo. It's not putting either of THEM out, is it?

Don't make the bed up, don't pack it away, she is not your problem don't do anything for her. Please stop being so subservient, you are making a rod for your own back.

I didn’t mean to offend you. And clearly you are lucky enough to have family all living in the same country; others are not. I’m sure you meant to offend me when you made the comment about not leaving them because you love them too much, but I’m afraid to say it didn’t - there are many reasons I left the UK, my extremely grown up children understood them.

It’s good that you’ve never needed any help with your children, even when they were babies and that you were always fiercely independent; again, other people aren’t always that lucky to bounce back from childbirth and sail through the next, at least, 18 years and need their family around them, especially in those first months when they just might want some time out, even if it’s just to nap, or really don’t want to cook that night.

You are clearly one of the lucky ones who didn’t need anything 🌹

I have to agree with you.

When my first grandchild was born, I was nowhere near 60, had a job I could do standing on my head, which I did part time and already had my routine in place as I wasn’t looking after extremely young children.

I don’t understand why so many people are getting so angry (or so it seems), that some mums and MILS might actually want to help, or enjoy helping. If that offends your sensibilities and isn’t right for you, then fine, but why so quick to make judgements when people want to do it, as their own choice? Unbelievable!

You say she has no Friends or hobbies. Can she move closer to you? Or sell you and you buy a home with a granny annexe ? It can be a win-win ! She’ll be of great help with kids when you return to work (assuming you work!)

You want to be the world to your kids, yet have a huge problem if your husband’s widowed depressed mum spends 2 nights with her only family left.

😂
OP: "My Dh fucks off to work & lands me with his mother once a week, who insists on making it a sleepover. I cannot take any more of this, & may go insane."

@Jazz12: "The solution is to get her to move in permanently!"

She’ll be of great help with kids when you return to work
Jazz - did you also fail to spot where OP explains that MiL doesn't lift a finger to help, & one of the enragers she is dealing with is her husband telling her "but mother is only trying to help ...." ?

No she has a huge problem with her H leaving her to entertain his mother, while telling her it;s for her own good.

HTH

Why are so many PP banging on about the "help" this MiL is supposedly offering, when she's doing nothing of the sort?

She doesn't ask to come on a certain day, it has turned into her texting my husband 'Will come up Thursday next week'... ect. I find it stifling as I cannot make plans to see other mums or attend regular baby groups. I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap (normally early afternoon) causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears.

If Im lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off. I cant get any jobs done. She never helps with cleaning/washing. Just tells me its impossible to have a clean house with two young children, and it 'looks fine' (it doesnt) ect. I end up having to make up her bed up before she arrives/pack it away when she leaves. Which may sound like nit picking but I am honestly so overwhelmed with the workload of a two year old and seven month old that it seems like a major effort to do this every week. I have to wash extra bedsheets/towels. Make extra meals, clean up after her ect.

I don’t think anyone has said anything about OP’s MIL doing much other than taking GDD out.

Which posts are you referring to?

Hi @JoanOfAllTrades

but a helpful MIL is something to be treasured, whatever you want her to do

It looks like she'll be able to help out with childcare and date nights in the near future

Hi MIL great to hear you are coming but Daisy and I are going to tumble tots at 2pm and then having a mooch round the shops. It would be great if you can please look after the baby. If he naps can you please peel the potatoes and your bed linen is on the bed. Actually, hope you don't mind but I'm going to stop washing your linens every time you come and do them once a month. If that's not OK it would be great if you could.take them home to wash and bring them.back with you. It's just so busy with two under three.
(Admittedly I think this one is tongue in cheek & more of a way to put MiL off the sleepovers)

& almost the entirety of your own post at 15/12/2022 05:02

Is she one of those types who just arrive, plonk themselves down and expect to be entertained?
Next time she arrives, I would just say, oh I didn't know you were coming today, did you speak to my husband?
If she says yes, just tell her that you'll leave them to it and, if he is conveniently out, tell her that he isn't home, and sorry but she will need to entertain herself until he gets home.
If she says no, just tell her she needs to arrange with him in future, as you can't be expected to drop your plans for unexpected visitors.
If she tries to lay claim to a regular day, just tell her that it doesn't work for you, and to sort out a day with your husband so they can enjoy some time together.

Don’t go and add more burden by your presence. It’s mindboggling that @TwoBabas MIL goes to her house and acts like an extra child!

This is very much my experience of my own mother. I was working full-time and still expected to wait on her and clear up after her, even after I became a frazzled lone parent of two DC.

So yes I did have to tell her and it was all terribly unpleasant.

My post was about me and what I thought that OP’s MIL should be doing! I never thought for one moment that OP’s MIL was doing anything other than putting more responsibility on the OP. I would appreciate it if you could quote my post, highlighting where I said that OP’s MIL was a help to her, as opposed to me saying what OP’s MIL should be doing and ideas for how to get MIL to pull her thumb and actually do something.

@KettrickenSmiled I also never said that a helpful MIL is something to be treasured.

Not having had either a helpful MIL nor a mother (well, obviously I had one, I wasn’t cloned, but she passed away when she was 29), my own experiences are due to my family stepping up and helping me. I had a wonderful aunt who not only made me feel loved and cherished my whole life but also made my DH and my children and grandchildren feel that way. So my mothering/grandparenting was always modelled on her, an indefatigable and amazingly generous and warm-hearted woman who even in her 80’s was having her ladies luncheons every month and cooking for up to 50 ladies (a point of pride as no catering for her!), who was amazing and did things for not only her own children but her grandchildren and as I said myself and never made any of us feel like she was taking over or overstepping.

Anyway, back to the plot. The OP hasn’t returned to the thread. She could doubtless do without the derailing with all this competitive top MIL nonsense.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and your little ‘uns, and you’ve been given some good pointers on here on how to do that.

You deserve the respect of those around you. Don’t be a doormat.

You say she has no Friends or hobbies. Can she move closer to you? Or sell you and you buy a home with a granny annexe ? It can be a win-win ! She’ll be of great help with kids when you return to work (assuming you work!)

@Jazz12 if there was a prize for missing the point,you would win it!

The OP wants to see less of her MIL, not more!

I haven’t missed the point. I know someone like this who was very insecure around living alone. Her DS and DIL built an extension annex for her and now they have a great win-win relationship. Regular Dates, concerts, movies etc without kids, while the MIL loves having kids around.

The OP sounds like a very nice, kind lady who doesn't like to cause offence. Sometimes, in these instances, people hesitate to say something for fear of causing hurt. As a result, situations become more tense and frustrations builds up.

Grief is very individidual to the person, and when unresolved, can cause difficult behaviour. 'Not good in the morning' can be a sign of real depression, as can the avoidance of remaining in one's own home.

The op needs to develop her own routines and lifestyle rotating round her children. Her mil also needs to develop a new routine, although it is extremely difficult. To make new friends and begin new hobbies and interests, when your whole world has changed can seem insurmountable. Voluntary work can be an aid when working would take too much confidence. Helping others can help you help yourself.

Her husband's attitude is very common in some families, who see the female as the main carer. He too needs to change, without making him defensive. You shouldn't need to change a bed after every visit, and do ask your husband to wash and change when neccessary.

If it was myself, I would firstly ensure that mil's physical and mental health is in reasonable order. All being well, I would begin to gently forwarn about change to come. e.g. children sharing room, you begining to go out more to groups etc. I would emphasize, how much you have appreciated her support with your daughter and state clearly that you really want her to be able to develop the same good relationship with your son. Perhaps you have hesitated in asking for her help. Ask now, for small things to begin with.

After reading all of these messages, I think I am trying to say 'be gentle', and try to avoid harsh confrontation.

Above all be good to yourself and look after your own physical and mental health.

This is my first post. I'm sorry it was so long. xxx

Where does your hubby fit in this? I find it bizarre that his contribution is not mentioned. You are jealous. You are afraid your girl loves your mil more. She doesn't, mil is like a new toy, but mom is more powerful and enduring. My kids went through these phases. You should be a little more honest with mil-slow at first like, please can you help me with my son, I really could use a break. I am just appalled that you are solely responsible for the kids and chores. Me being a single mom out the gate-i know how hard that is. Your mil could be your biggest asset, a lot of moms don't want people messing with their babies. Mil might know that and might want to not hinder your bond with your baby. She might see that as sacred. You don't know until you talk to her. Even working, as I had to do too, I would still have to do it all, your husband can help more than it seems he does. And yes, definitely, you should not be able to have a sterile house. You should prioritize. Maybe get a dishwasher or have everyone empty their dishes and pre-rinse them. Toys should be allocated in a toy area. Toys on the floor will be constant, just don't let it go overboard. It will never be easy with little ones, but you have a mil willing to help. Just talk to her, seriously, she is a blessing. Your husband though, you really need to see if he can pitch in, I would have a very serious talk with him. But, most of all, remember this is temporary and your kids won't remember the house being sterile, but will remember the time spent with them. Chores can be fun with your daughter, if you make it that way. Rocking out is a great way to wind kids up, then they sleep sooo hard after. There is wisdom that mil has. You really should harness it and coordinate. You really are blessed. Your daughter is blessed. I know how hard it was to give my toddler his love when I had his baby brother. You have to change your mindset. Because it can be beautiful if your work within the parameters.