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Original poster

Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

181 replies

WorriedandScared93 · 13/12/2022 23:40

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/12/2022 23:46

Don't invite them.

Keep yourself happy for once.

Don't be manipulated by your in laws.

Refuse to have your childs birthday spoiled by this.

Tell your in laws you will respect their wishes if they don't wish to attend.

It's done.

Its over.

Move on from it.

They are just savouring the drama.

Deny them any oxygen and refuse to discuss the matter again.

FictionalCharacter · 13/12/2022 23:49

What @billy1966 said!

ProcrastinatingUntilNextYear · 13/12/2022 23:50

Do not invite them!
You really don’t want any kind of frosty or showdown atmosphere at your sons birthday.
The party should be for the people who love and see your son.
I understand your family dynamic to an extent. I have nightmare in-laws with a stirring MIL who causes drama by lying. Lots of problems with them, both similar and different to yours. I’m at the same point as you in that I don’t want to see them ever again really.
You have to do what’s right for you. As your DH wants to send the invite I think you need to really tell him how strongly you feel about this. He needs to put his sons best interests first, not his extended family. If FIL wants to refuse to come if they don’t come, then thats his choice to make, don’t let it spoil your day.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 13/12/2022 23:54

@billy1966 you have no idea how much better you've just made me feel by that, thank you so much.

My issue is- if I don't invite them I am the nasty one and will likely be stonewalled by everyone else in the family now. DP also mentioned I am going to make them 'even more pissed off with us' as I think MIL may have mentioned we were going to invite them... I'm not sure what has been said.

I want to move on from them and start our own life away from BIL and SIL totally. But MIL and FIL are the types to disown DP completely if we don't respect what THEY want.

OP posts:
Namelesstoday · 13/12/2022 23:54

Do what you want!

I can't remember who attended my DC's 1st birthday party and it's not something they have asked about.

I do remember feeling calm and relaxed and enjoying the parties, because we invited who we wanted

There's a lot more birthdays to come. Don't start a trend of bowing to other people.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 13/12/2022 23:55

Thank you @ProcrastinatingUntilNextYear

Problem with DP is he tries to also keep everyone else happy. MIL being one of them!

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 13/12/2022 23:57

First of all, hugs. You’re not being unreasonable to want to make sure that this birthday party is a source of joy and happy memories, and that’s not compatible with it being the first time you see your SIL and BIL in 3+ years. Your PIL are deluded if they think this will somehow be the scene of a joyful reunion.

I have a fairly problematic relationship with my SIL, but again family pressures mean that I try to keep it civil. In your shoes, I would probably still feel like I had to leave the way open for reconciliation, but do it on my terms.

So yes, PIL, it would be wonderful if SIL and BIL were to feel like it was time to move forward and rebuild the relationship, but a 1st birthday party is not the right place as you’ll be too busy hosting and making sure everything goes well, looking after a 1 year old, etc. You’d be happy to meet up with them some time before that to clear the air and start the process, and if that goes well it will be a pleasure to build on that at the birthday party where the whole family can relax and enjoy the celebration for what it is.

But unless I’m misreading it, they won’t want to meet before the party, and the point of obtaining an invitation would be to turn the party to drama and make themselves the focus of attention, rather than the happy occasion it should be. So stick to your guns. Your PIL are as much to blame because your FIL shouldn’t be trying to blackmail you into this, so I would watch for signals they might encourage SIL and BIL to turn up uninvited and have a plan to deal with that. Enlist people you trust to run interference on your behalf on the day, so you can focus on what matters.

But really, a large part of this is a DP problem. He may like a quiet life, and it may well be that this is something your PIL encouraged in him growing up. He may need some help to see how unhealthy an approach that is. But he needs to be on your team, supporting you and ensuring your little family doesn’t get bulldozed by PIL, SIL and BIL. There is no easy or quick solution. But you guys should be a team now. If you are, you can deal with this.

Poppyblush · 13/12/2022 23:58

Don’t invite them! Stick to your guns.

Changechangychange · 14/12/2022 00:00

You’ve asked them if they want to meet your DS, they have ignored you, so why would you invite them to your DS’s birthday party?

Tell your MIL you have invited them to meet him, they are still welcome to take you up on that, but if they don’t, it’s clear they don’t actually want to meet him but just want a chance to carry on the argument. And you aren’t inviting them to a party just for them to make a scene.

DuplicateUserName · 14/12/2022 00:01

Don't invite them.

But to be honest (and I know we're all different) I wouldn't bother with a party for a baby anyway, especially with a family like this.

I'd rather a nice day with DH, the baby and maybe look back on old photos/videos etc.

Namelesstoday · 14/12/2022 00:03

Just saw your update about your Dp pleasing everyone.
If you want to go middle ground, tell MIL that SIL should contact you in advance if she wants to come as there's a lot of things to clear up first and your party is not the place for that.
Ball is put in her court....if anything comes up later. You did offer an olive branch through MIL after all.
In the meantime, try to avoid big conversations with MIL about the party.

forrestgreen · 14/12/2022 00:08

I'd tell mil and fil if they went to arrange a get together before then to sort it they're welcome to.
However if they imagine me apologising to anyone being part of that they're delusional. And tell dp too!

forrestgreen · 14/12/2022 00:08

If that went well (ha!) then you'll offer an invitation happily..

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 00:11

Thanks all I can see this become very interesting

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2022 00:12

billy1966 · 13/12/2022 23:46

Don't invite them.

Keep yourself happy for once.

Don't be manipulated by your in laws.

Refuse to have your childs birthday spoiled by this.

Tell your in laws you will respect their wishes if they don't wish to attend.

It's done.

Its over.

Move on from it.

They are just savouring the drama.

Deny them any oxygen and refuse to discuss the matter again.

Every word of this x1,000.

You have the power to keep this toxic bullshit out of your life. Use it.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 00:15

@billy1966 the best comment thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 00:26

@forrestgreen I won't be apologising again. This is the problem they know I won't which is causing the fall out. I have already apologised but it wasn't the apology they wanted.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 14/12/2022 00:28

WorriedandScared93 · 13/12/2022 23:55

Thank you @ProcrastinatingUntilNextYear

Problem with DP is he tries to also keep everyone else happy. MIL being one of them!

Except you? He doesn't give a shit about keeping his wife happy?

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 00:31

@Bigbadfish when it comes to family, no. We will see what happens with this !

OP posts:
Welpthereitis · 14/12/2022 00:33

Why are you putting your in laws ( that you have not seen in years) above those of your child yourself and the people around you that truly love you?

SafariRushHour · 14/12/2022 00:35

Personally I’d encourage DH to spend time alone with his brother and all the kids. They can reestablish a relationship and not put pressure on you to involve them.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/12/2022 00:43

I would take a step back from the whole thing. It's a kid's birthday not a wedding, you don't need to be sending save the date cards 3 months out!

Let your DH and MIL know that you'll see how things unfold and organise it (MUCH) closer to the date, but you will only be inviting people who are in DS's life and who you can trust to be kind and respectful on the day. If they want to do some groundwork with SIL to repair the relationship before then, that's up to them all to sort out.

Summerfun54321 · 14/12/2022 01:12

Your first child’s first birthday seems massive at the time but really it’s just a chance to have a a glass of fizz and for you and DH to celebrate surviving a year of parenthood. Scrap the big party plans and the long range invites and keep it small and simple.

MistletoeandBaileys · 14/12/2022 04:26

OP I wouldn’t bother inviting them. The other issue here is your MIL. You say she lies to keep the peace? Are you sure she’s not loving the drama? Stirring the pot? You have no idea on what she has been saying to your BIL.

If it was me I would tell them in no uncertain terms that your child’s birthday is not the setting for a family reunion. If they want to meet up it will be either before or after and that you will not be apologising to anyone. If MIL and FIL have an issue with that and don’t want to come to the party tell them you will save them cake.

AgentJohnson · 14/12/2022 04:45

If you give in now to MIL demands, it won’t end. Your H has a toxic family and it sounds like your MIL is at the centre of the toxicity. It’s important you H knows that you have reached your limit and ‘keeping the peace’ means being left open to more abuse and manipulation by his family. Remember, as your child gets order, she will be subjected to the same toxicity that her father grew up in. The cycle has to stop.